Why does this stuff bother me so much?

Okay, so let me start by saying that I have a bad cold and am home sick today, which doesn't help my mood any. I have heard several things over the past few weeks that upset me for one reason or another. Now I keep repeating them in my head over and over again and they continue to bother me. I have been hesitant to blog about these statements because now many people IRL read my blog, but I've decided that it's my blog and I should be able to use it as I inteneded--to vent and get support from people who understand. So, here goes ...

The first thing that's been bothering me is conversations with people about me becoming a Mommy when K has this baby for us. This type of talk kills me. I am Myles's Mommy and will always be his Mommy! Myles is my son. I just don't get this mentality. If my mom died, I'd still be her daughter and she'd still be my mom. Why is it any different with my child and me? I wonder if it's because the people who make this sort of statement didn't get to meet Myles, so maybe he doesn't seem real to them? But, the reality is that Myles was very real and was my 1st child. I am Myles's Mommy and he is my son. So, I won't become a Mommy when K has this baby, but rather will become a Mommy again to another child just like any other woman who has a 2nd child.

The other thing that has been bothering me is related to friends complaining about how horribly difficult it is to be separated from their child(ren) for anywhere from a few hours to a week for vacation. I do not doubt that this is difficult for any parent to leave their child for any amount of time. I don't doubt that having to leave a newborn to return to work is horribly hard for a Mommy. I don't doubt that leaving your ill child while you go on vacation is tough. I dont doubt that watching your baby suffer through a cold isn't difficult. But, I do doubt that the pain even comes close to never being able to see your child again. Never being able to touch his little hands and feet. Never being able to kiss his soft skin. So, when people tell me that they just don't know how they are going to handle leaving their child for 8 hours while they work, I can't help but think how lucky they are that in 8 hours they get to return to see their child. I can't help but think at least your baby is alive. Again I don't doubt that any of these things are difficult, but rather wish people would empathize with me ... I never get to see my child again.

The other thing that drives me absolutely crazy is the comments that I'm so strong to be able to carry on with life in the wake of Myles's death. Some have even said that they'd "die if they lost their child" or "that they wouldn't be able to get out of bed". These statements are hurtful to me because it makes it seem as though I love my child less than they love theirs or that I'm acting abnormally for someone who's lost a child. Anyone who's lost a baby/child will tell you that it's not easy to face the day. There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed. There were days when I thought dying would have been easier than facing the constant pain of not having the one thing that meant most to me (no I'm not suicidal). Life after losing a child is horrible. I put on my pretend happy face and enter the world, but inside I feel broken and lost. I miss my son and always will. I will always feel like someone is missing from my life because someone is. I will always have a hole in my heart that won't be filled by anyone or anything. My life was changed by Myles in so many wonderful ways and my life was changed forever by his death.