Two Years Ago

Two years ago a giant hole was ripped through my heart. Two years ago my world came crashing down. Two years ago my life changed forever. Two years ago today I said good-bye to my first-born son, Myles. The pain may not be as sharp today as it once was, but it's still very much there. I may not cry as often or as much as I used to, but I still shed tears for my son. I miss Myles just as much today as the day two years ago when I held him in my arms and watched him fade away. I love you Mr. Myles and will remember you always!

Bargaining with the Universe

I need to apologize for being a bad blog commenter. I'm reading, but just don't have it in me to comment. I've had a horrible cold, we're in a very scary part of the pregnancy for me, and my cat is really sick again (see below). I will try to be better this week. Must. Pull. Self. Out. Of. Dark. Hole!

I'm grateful not to have H1N1 or any other flu strain, but man this cold is kicking my butt! I've had it for 10 days and it's been pretty rough. It started as a mildly sore throat and progressed into nasal congestion and cough. I'm still struggling with the nasal congestion and accompanying headaches. Eating healthy, taking vitamins, drinking tons of water, and medicating with over the counter cold meds haven't seemed to help much. I've even resorted to using Air.borne, which I'm certain only works because people think it works (placebo anyone?!), but I figure I'll try anything at this point. Plus, the extra Vitamin C and Zinc it contains can't hurt me and might actually help support my struggling immune system.

We've reached viability so if the babies were born now they'd have a chance. Albeit the chance of their survival at this point is not a good one, but a chance nonetheless. According to the March of Dimes "the chances of survival at 24 weeks are 60%, and the chances of having a handicap due to the early birth are 60%, as well. Babies born at 26 weeks have a 95% chance of survival and their handicap risk drops to 40%; just two more weeks makes a big difference in [a] baby's outlook." Well you all know how much 2 weeks helped us, so that does little to reassure me. I'm just hoping with all my might that the babies are not born anytime soon.

My sweet little cat, Asha, is having one of her renal crash episodes and I'm worried she won't make it this time. Every other time Asha's crashed she managed to recover with our help (we give her "kitty dialysis" every 1-2 days). Right now our biggest problem is her unwillingness to eat. She's lost weight, which isn't good because she only weighs 6.6lbs to start. The other day she was down to 6.2 and I'm guessing she's less today. I can feel her little spine and it makes me so sad. We feed her chicken, tuna, salmon, and turkey. Today she ate some tuna and a little kibble, but not enough. I'm going to start adding turkey and chicken baby food (the kind without onions) back to the mix to try to get her to eat. I may even have to do some force feeding, which I can't stand, but she needs to eat more. Renal failure makes her feel nauseated, so she won't eat. It's frustrating and stressful.

I find myself doing some bargaining with the Universe. I keep saying that I'm willing to give up something or I say I'll try to be a better person if the babies stay healthy and grow strong. I've even had the thought that I'd let Asha go if it meant that the babies would come safe and sound. How messed up is that? What kind of pet parent am I to offer my sweet little Princess in exchange for two healthy baby boys? This bargaining point makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel guilty. I blame myself for Asha's crash ... like my mental bargain with the Universe resulted in her crash. The reality is that I don't want to lose Asha and I really don't think I should have to lose her so the babies live. I guess I'm so accustomed to bad things happening to me, so much so that I'm assuming something bad must happen. Other people go throughout their lives living blissfully, so why can't I do the same? I want Asha to recover. I want her to meet the boys. I want both boys to arrive big and strong in February. Am I asking for too much?

Remembering Myles

Today and every day for the rest of my life I will remember. I remember Myles' sweet little face and big, sparkling eyes. I remember admiring his tiny twisted toes and round little nose. I remember Myles turning to the sound of my voice. I remember how warm he felt against my chest and how soft his skin felt against my fingers. I remember watching my husband hold his son for the first time and feeling so proud. I remember hearing J say "Myles is full of smiles" and thinking about how he was probably smiling on the inside. I remember begging the universe to spare Myles and wishing I could take his place. I remember loving so intensely and losing so much. I remember feeling like I was living in a bad dream and I remember waiting to wake up. I remember the unconditional love and the immense pain of losing my long-awaited child. I will always remember my son, Myles, and the joy he brought to my life.

Feeling blah

I'm feelng rather blah and I can't really pinpoint a reason. It could be all the rain we've been having. It could be the cold weather and the impending extremely cold weather to come in a couple of months. It could be the forecast for a few snowflakes tonight/tomorrow. It could be all the grading I have to do (150 lab reports were submitted yesterday and I have 60 more to grade). It could be that my best friend just had a new baby boy who I'm going to meet on Sunday (newborn baby boys are still quite tough for me). It could be that I'm just missing Myles a lot more than normal this week. It could be that my precious cat is slowly dying of a fatal disease (she's cuddling with me now) and I can't do anything about it. It could be that one of my co-workers told me that it would probably be best not to share my baby news with my students (ever). It could be that registering for the twins brought me back to registering for Myles and made me sad. It could be that the Domperi.done I'm taking to help induce lactation is making me emotional (it sure is doing a number on my breasts--ouch!) More than likely it's a combination of all of these things. Whatever it is it's making me feel down in the dumps.

The other thing that's been bothering me is the ever so slight bit of envy I'm feeling. I'm feeling it towards my IRL pregnant friends/family, my pregnant blog friends, and even to a small extent K. I guess after 5 years of infertility I have a hard time letting go of the pain that I feel from other's pregnancies (especially those fertile ones). I have been embarrassed to admit this because I feel like it makes me seem unhappy for others or ungrateful for my fortunate situation. I love K dearly and can not thank her enough for the amazing gift she's giving us. My feelings have nothing at all to do with anything K is or isn't doing. K is doing everything I could ever want her to do (and then some). I know just how lucky I am and I don't for a second take that for granted, so please don't begrudge me for this.

I spent countless hours before pursuing surrogacy worrying that I'd feel extreme jealousy towards the person carrying our baby(ies). I can't imagine anyone entering into surrogacy not wondering/worrying about this, especially those women with infertility problems who've tried for years to get pregnant and carry a baby on their own. I spoke to expectant IM's to see how they felt about this and none of them ever felt that way. I worried and asked about it because I didn't want to feel that way and fortunately I don't! However, I admittedly envy K. I wish that I could be the one feeling our babies move and kick inside me. I wish that I could watch my belly swell. I wish I could lie in bed at night rubbing my belly and talking to my babies. Most of all I wish I didn't long for these things, but I do. Now that doesn't mean that I'm not relieved to have our babies growing and thriving in K's healthy, protective uterus. It just means that I still have that innate desire to carry and nurture my babies. Despite me trying it just doesn't go away, but fortunately I can make myself feel better by reminding myself that K is going to bring into our lives two healthy, living (hopefully chubby) babies!

Emotional dilemma

I'm having an emotional dilemma of sorts and I haven't said anything about it because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am the furthest thing from that, yet I worry that by voicing my inner thoughts I may come across as whiney and/or ungrateful. I know how difficult it is to struggle with infertility and to watch friends go through a pregnancy. Therefore, I presume it isn't easy for those of you still in the IF trenches to visit my blog and read my posts about pregnancy symptoms, u/s appointments, and baby gear. I apologize if my blog posts have worsened your pain and sadness. This is not my intention. I wish more than anything that every single one of you amazing women in the IF blogosphere would have your dreams come true. You all most certainly deserve for your nightmare roller coaster ride to end.

With that said I'll share what's been going on in my head. As you may have guessed I'm feeling very excited about the prospect of having two babies next year (okay and quite nervous too), yet this excitement is being overshadowed by guilt. I've been feeling incredibly guilty for being excited and hopeful about this pregnancy and for wanting these babies. I feel like it somehow takes away from Myles. Like loving and wanting the twins means that I am loving Myles less. Of course I logically know that is not the case and that mommies can love more than one child. However, I still feel bad and I shed a lot of tears over this. I know that I love Myles just as much today as I did the day he was born, the day he died, and 20 years from now. But, I don't know if everyone else knows that. I worry that with us expecting these babies people will forget about Myles. Or worse I worry that other people think these babies are a replacement for Myles. I worry that when the babies arrive no one will ever mention Myles again and that makes me really sad.

Another thing that is contributing to my current emotional dilemma is that every step in this pregnancy takes me back to my pregnancy with Myles. I remember seeing our sweet little peanut on u/s for the first time and remember watching him grow. I remember his precious profile at the NT scan and I remember feeling such relief to be entering the 2nd trimester (obviously I couldn't anticipate the problems that this trimester would bring me). I miss my special days with sweet Myles. I wish that he was here with us to excitedly, hopefully, and anxiously await the arrival of his brother(s)/sister(s).

Blogger fakes baby's death

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=7838575&page=1

Why on Earth would someone want to pretend to be a mother who's lost a baby? Trust me it's not a pleasant role to assume and it's not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. This woman is clearly totally f*cked up, IMPO. A tiny part of me (maybe 0.5%) feels sorry for her, but the rest of me (99.5%) is so angry with her. She's likely hurt many kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic people who were there to support her. These people didn't deserve to be deceived in such a horrible way.

I know that as part of my grief journey I reached out to help others who've lost babies and are in the early stages of grief (I still do). I often become emotional connected to these women, their angel babies, and their stories. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I learned that they were lying about the whole thing. My heart hurts for those who reached out to her and gave support.

What summer should have been

As most of you know I'm a high school biology teacher, so I have my summers off. When I left my previous profession, wildlife epidemiology, I vowed to find a job where I wouldn't have to travel and work so much. I didn't want to be gone all the time when we had children. When I entered my career as an educator I couldn't help but dream about spending my summers playing in the yard with my little ones. I dreamt of sunny days spent at the public swimming pool, morning walks around the neighborhood, and evenings playing in the nearby park. Fast forward six years and hear I sit all alone without a child to chase around. Summer isn't at all what I thought it would be.

I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed this morning and why I didn't want to get out of bed. J left for work around 7am and I stayed in bed until close to 9am when I had to get up to shoot up (IVF meds). I then sat on the couch with a cup of coffee (decaf of course) and felt little to no motivation to get up. I thought about how different my life would be right now if Myles was here. I wouldn't be forcing myself to clean out closets, dressers and cupboards. I wouldn't be spending hours going through my clothes and accessories to find stuff I don't use anymore that I can donate to Good.will (4 bags of clothes so far). I wouldn't be making coffee and lunch dates with friends. I wouldn't be planning to repaint the office a new color or designing a new shade perennial garden for our yard. I wouldn't be going through another IVF cycle and I wouldn't be taking a trip to Alaska in July with other people's kids. I'd be spending my free time enjoying my little miracle. That is what summer should be like for me, but it's not. So, I try to make the best of it by busying myself with house projects, gardening, shopping (I know it counters the purging work I've been doing), and such. The funny thing is no matter how busy I keep myself I'm still depressed and can't stop thinking about what summer should have been ...

Insult to Injury

I am back from Mexico and just as I expected reality has hit me hard. I've spent the whole morning crying about the recent loss, the horrors that K and her family had to endure, and our future. I'm upset with the universe and the inequality that exists. To top off my horrible morning I came home to discover that someone had stolen a glass snowman solar light off Myles's grave. It was a "gift" from my parents and has been hanging on a shephard's hook on Myles's grave since late November. I am just so upset and hurt by this. As if it's not bad enough that my son died people have to steal his things from his grave. What kind of person does that sort of thing? I know it's just something material, so it shouldn't bother me so much yet it does. I think it's because I don't have Myles here with me to physically protect, so I'm protective over his grave and all of the things I put on his grave. So today I'm not only mad at the universe, but mad at those who inhabit this universe as well.

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I will give you the whole scoop later when I'm feeling more like posting, but to give you a quick update on K ... she had a D&C this past week due to the loss of too much blood, the development of an infection, and failure to expel the embryo. K kept this from me while I was in Mexico because she didn't want me to worry. She is so thoughtful and kind. K continues to amaze me.

Why does this stuff bother me so much?

Okay, so let me start by saying that I have a bad cold and am home sick today, which doesn't help my mood any. I have heard several things over the past few weeks that upset me for one reason or another. Now I keep repeating them in my head over and over again and they continue to bother me. I have been hesitant to blog about these statements because now many people IRL read my blog, but I've decided that it's my blog and I should be able to use it as I inteneded--to vent and get support from people who understand. So, here goes ...

The first thing that's been bothering me is conversations with people about me becoming a Mommy when K has this baby for us. This type of talk kills me. I am Myles's Mommy and will always be his Mommy! Myles is my son. I just don't get this mentality. If my mom died, I'd still be her daughter and she'd still be my mom. Why is it any different with my child and me? I wonder if it's because the people who make this sort of statement didn't get to meet Myles, so maybe he doesn't seem real to them? But, the reality is that Myles was very real and was my 1st child. I am Myles's Mommy and he is my son. So, I won't become a Mommy when K has this baby, but rather will become a Mommy again to another child just like any other woman who has a 2nd child.

The other thing that has been bothering me is related to friends complaining about how horribly difficult it is to be separated from their child(ren) for anywhere from a few hours to a week for vacation. I do not doubt that this is difficult for any parent to leave their child for any amount of time. I don't doubt that having to leave a newborn to return to work is horribly hard for a Mommy. I don't doubt that leaving your ill child while you go on vacation is tough. I dont doubt that watching your baby suffer through a cold isn't difficult. But, I do doubt that the pain even comes close to never being able to see your child again. Never being able to touch his little hands and feet. Never being able to kiss his soft skin. So, when people tell me that they just don't know how they are going to handle leaving their child for 8 hours while they work, I can't help but think how lucky they are that in 8 hours they get to return to see their child. I can't help but think at least your baby is alive. Again I don't doubt that any of these things are difficult, but rather wish people would empathize with me ... I never get to see my child again.

The other thing that drives me absolutely crazy is the comments that I'm so strong to be able to carry on with life in the wake of Myles's death. Some have even said that they'd "die if they lost their child" or "that they wouldn't be able to get out of bed". These statements are hurtful to me because it makes it seem as though I love my child less than they love theirs or that I'm acting abnormally for someone who's lost a child. Anyone who's lost a baby/child will tell you that it's not easy to face the day. There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed. There were days when I thought dying would have been easier than facing the constant pain of not having the one thing that meant most to me (no I'm not suicidal). Life after losing a child is horrible. I put on my pretend happy face and enter the world, but inside I feel broken and lost. I miss my son and always will. I will always feel like someone is missing from my life because someone is. I will always have a hole in my heart that won't be filled by anyone or anything. My life was changed by Myles in so many wonderful ways and my life was changed forever by his death.

Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Around 4am on 2/15/08 (J's birthday) Myles was very awake and alert. Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, took some of my favorite photos of Mr. Myles in this state. It is very easy to see Myles's beautiful, sparkling eyes so full of spirit and life in these pictures. It's still hard for me to believe that just 12 short hours later the sparkle would be gone from his eyes.

When I looked into Myles's eyes around 4pm I just knew that he was leaving this world. I recall the NICU doc telling me to stay strong and think positively, but for the first time in 25 days I just had a really bad feeling. I talked to Myles and cheered him on through my tears. I touched him and tried to soothe him. I begged and pleaded with the universe to not take him from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed to anyone and everyone who would listen. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly for almost 8 hours trying to do everything and anything they could to help Myles, but nothing seemed to be helping. Around midnight the same NICU doc who was present at Myles's birth told us that there wasn't anything else they could do for Myles and that his time on this Earth was coming to an end. The doctor told us to spend as much time with Myles as we wanted.

Both J and I took turns holding Myles. We kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and how proud of him we were. We tried to memorize every single aspect of Myles's tiny body.

As I held Myles for the very last time I tried to figure out how to let him go. I just couldn't bring myself to get the doctor to remove his breathing tube. I felt completely paralyzed and unable to move. J finally convinced me it was time. I was acting selfishly and I knew it. I had to let Myles go. I had to end his pain and free him from this life. I had to say good-bye. I was worried and didn't want Myles to feel any pain. The NICU doc assured me that Myles would go peacefully and that he wouldn't fight it. I held Myles as the doctor removed his breathing tube. I watched as the life slowly left my son's body. I felt his warmth turn to cold. Although I knew Myles was gone, I still couldn't let go of his body. My miracle baby boy who I'd spent so long trying to reach was now gone. Once again I was paralyzed. I was lost. J was in complete shock. Our son had died in my arms and we were now parents of a different kind. We left the NICU with empty arms and shattered hearts.

Myles Lee Anderson (1/21/08 - 2/16/08)

Numb

This is how I've been feeling the last two weeks. I haven't had one of my typical all out sobbing episodes. I'm back to the empty, numb feeling that I had in the few weeks following Myles's death. It's like my emotions are right there under the surface, but don't come out. It's like I'm always just on the edge of a meltdown, but nothing seems to happen. The tears fill my eyes, but don't roll down my cheeks. I feel like I should have so many emotions overwhelming me right now. I do feel such a mix of emotions, but think I'm truly feeling them. Maybe it's too difficult? Maybe this is some sore of self protection?!

I wonder if some of my numbness also stems from me trying to suppress my worries over the upcoming transfer to K. A little more self-preservation, perhaps? I haven't voiced any of my worries because I don't want K to think that it has anything to do with her--it doesn't! I don't have any worries about K, her uterus, her ability to get pregnant, her ability to carry a baby, or anything else! I do worry about my embryos and I very much worry about the possibility of bringing K into our hell hole of loss. I am so grateful for what K is doing for us that it will just kill me if something bad happens that causes her to feel any sadness.

I think I'm also trying to protect myself from the emotions I will go through if this particular transfer doesn't work. The two frozen blasts are extraordinarily special to me. Both embryos were "created" in July '07 with Myles and were frozen with him. So, my two remaining frozen embryos have a special connection with Myles and this is why they are so special to me. I do know that I would be protective over any of my embryos, but these two embryos share so much with Myles that it makes me even more protective of them. They are the last living connection to Myles. Please do not misinterpret this as me losing my mind! I know they are not Myles and I would not want them to be. I know that any embryo that resulted in a pregnancy and baby would have a connection to Myles. They would be his sibling. I would love any/all of them. However, I still have a strong feeling that these two particular embryos are extra special. I'm hoping that it's because in my heart I know they will be my future children!

If I could go back in time ...

Last night while J and I were lying in bed cuddling he asked "if I could travel back in time and tell you about our infertility struggles, would you still have gone through all of this?" I sat there for a minute and then asked "would you tell me about Myles?" and J said "yes". I quickly replied "absolutely ... I would put myself through all that we've been through and more if it meant that I'd have Myles for any amount of time." I then said "wouldn't you?" to J. He said "no" and I was shocked! J went on to say that he wouldn't want to put Myles through all that he went through. J said he didn't like seeing Myles struggle and that he couldn't bare to put him through that again. Of course I didn't want Myles to be in any pain either (what mother does?), but the docs assured us that he was always made comfortable by pain meds. I was crying and felt terrible thinking of Myles in pain. J finally agreed that Myles was on a lot of pain meds and probably didn't feel much pain. Honestly I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

As I've said before I wouldn't change anything we've been through in our IF journey because that path led us to Myles. I do wish that I could go back and take away Myles's pain, but wouldn't change having him. The overwhelming sadness, anger, and devastation over losing Myles couldn't even compare to the pain of not ever knowing him! So, if someone could have told me about the last 4 years before we'd experienced them, I'd still have walked each and every step of our journey despite all the sadness because the joy of having Myles for the 26 days we had him far outweighs everything else!

Infertility is NOT natural selection at work!

Thanks to all who stopped by to welcome K and to tell her just how amazing she is! We are very lucky to have one another. Honestly I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather be venturing on this journey with! I just know we are in for the ride of our lives and I'm looking forward to it!

Last night was a horrible night. I cried all night as I kept going over and over every single detail of the night Myles died, which just so happened to be 10 months ago yesterday. I could picture Myles's sweet little face as I held him for the last time and the sadness in his eyse when he looked at me as I was talking to him. I remember immediately knowing that things would not end well because the sparkle had left his eyes. I rehashed all that I didn't do, but wished I had. I revisited all of my regrets from that last night. I tried to recall the the feel of Myles's soft skin, but the memory eludes me. With every passing day it seems that I lose more and more of him and it kills me. I just wish that I could hold him again or feel his little hand wrap tightly around my finger. My memories just aren't enough.

Today started out as a new day, a better day until tonight. I went to Sub.way to get Josh and I a sub. The "sandwich artist" happened to be one of my former students--a not so stellar one. I made small talk with her as she made our subs. When I asked her what she'd been up to she said working and preparing for the baby. I almost threw up, but somehow managed to ask her a series of questions about it. She informed me that it was unplanned. No $hit! She's 20, barely graduated high school, works at Sub.way, and isn't married to the boy who got her pregnant (actually they're not even dating). I left without an appetite.

This type of scenario upsets me, yet it also provides evidence that infertility is not natural selection contributing to the evolution of humans. Some ignorant, scientifically-illiterate people make rude comments that infertiles shouldn't be spending so much time and/or money on trying to get pregnant. These people say we should adopt. They say infertility is natural selection at work ... nature's way of weeding out the "less fit" from the gene pool. It might be hard to believe that people say this, but if you read any of the comments on the NY Times Surrogacy article you likely saw this sentiment reiterated multiple times.

Well my friends I'll be honest and tell you that my pregnant former student is far from being a superior individual in the human gene pool. I can't imagine that nature would select her to pass on her genes over someone like me or any of my other infertile friends. This is actually a detriment to the human population rather than a benefit. I say it's more a matter of luck/chance that some are fertile while others are infertile. The lucky fertiles will make more contributions to the gene pool, but this has nothing to do with selection as it's a completely radom process. This my friends is a mechanism of evolution called genetic drift. So, those idiots who say that infertiles are "less fit" and shouldn't be trying to reproduce fail to understand the mechanisms of evolutionary change and should come spend a few weeks in my general biology class!

What I am Thankful For

In honor of Thanksgiving I thought I would share with you the things that I am thankful for. Most of the time I feel like I have nothing at all to be thankful for because my baby died and that's usually at the forefront of my mind. I know that I have many obvious things to pay thanks for: my health, my husband's health, a wonderful, supportive, loving husband, great friends and family, two cats who love me unconditionally, a job I enjoy, and a warm house to sleep in. The list could go on and on.


I think that most people would be thankful for all of the things I mentioned above. However, I think that anyone who's lost a child is likely not to publicly give thanks for these things daily. I (and I presume others who've lost children) feel cheated out of the one thing that I wanted most, my son, Myles. I envy all those people who can be thankful for their little ones who smile back at them today.

Despite Myles's physical absence I am most thankful for his very real presence in my life. Myles made me a mommy and filled my heart that was empty for so many years. Myles made my husband a daddy, my parents grandparents, and my brother an uncle. Not only did I get to experience the surreal feelings of Myles moving inside me, but I also got to spend 26 amazing days with my son. I was able to admire my son's resemblence to his daddy, I got to touch his soft skin, I got to talk to him and notice him recognize my voice, I got to hold him close to my skin and feel his heart beat next to mine, I got to see his sparkling, beautiful eyes, and I got to know that with my husband (and Dr. S) I created the most amazing little miracle baby. I am thankful for the inspiration that I draw from my son every single day. Myles is my son and for that I am eternally thankful.


I am also very thankful that I have someone who loves me and my husband so much that she's willing to give up her body to help us bring another baby into the world. K is truly our angel of hope. She is a selfless, loving woman who truly embodies goodness. I can not express my gratitude and thanks for my cousin K and her loving, supportive family.

Apparently I'm Now a Scrooge

Today I spent the day with my mom doing some Christmas shopping and now I feel terrible. I used to love the holidays and now I seem to hate them. I told my mom that I didn't feel like decorating the house this year and she proceeded to tell me that she understood that I was sad, but that I shouldn't let it keep me from enjoying the holidays. Of course this made me feel worse because I felt like she was ignoring my feelings and brushing them off as insignificant. I proceeded to tell her that I'll do whatever I want and if I don't feel like decorating my house then I won't. Obviously she can't force me to do it. It sounds childish to repeat that, but I can't even believe that someone, especially my mom, is giving me crap about missing my son this holiday season.

I did buy a silver star ornament that I had engraved with "Remembering Myles" in addition to an ornament that says "Baby's First Christmas" with a place to put a picture of Myles. I already bought a silver "M" ornament. The more I think about it we'll probably put up our tree just so I can put these ornaments on it for Myles.

I guess I'm just finding it hard to be merry and joyful this holiday season. Last year at this time we were excited to be pregnant and were looking forward to finding out Myles's gender. This year all I can do is think about what should have been. Everyone seems to think that I should be enjoying the festive season like nothing's happened, which actually makes me feel worse. Also, after the holidays we're that much closer to Myles's birthday and the worst day of our lives, the day he died.

Despite being a scrooge I do plan to decorate Myles's grave for Christmas. I bought items to make an arrangment that I will put on his grave when I take down the Thanksgiving/fall items this weekend. I bought a neat basket that looks like the black top hat that Frosty the Snowman wears. I plan to stuff it with real pine sprigs, sparkly berries, and other pretty glittery embelishments. I plan to make the arrangement and put it on Myles's grave on Saturday along with the super cute snowman LED light that my mom bought for his grave. The solar-powered LED snowman light changes colors and will look great hanging on the shepherd's hook next to Myles's grave. I'll take photos and post them after I get it all decorated.

Tomorrow will probably be horrible too. I'll have to endure my cousin's baby boy and the dreaded "What are you thankful for?" thing they love to do. I think I'll go outside or lock myself in the bathroom for an hour while they do that. Or maybe I'll say something to make everyone feel uncomfortable?!

I'm sure it doesn't help that I had to buy my friend a baby shower gift and gifts for other friends who are having babies soon. I figure I'll buy gifts, but have no intentions to attend the shower or visit the newborns. Visiting the baby section of any store is bad enough, but being immersed in non-stop baby talk at a shower is like torture. Now that I bought those gifts I'm done with baby stuff for this year and hopefully for a long time. I'm hoping that the next baby stuff I buy is for my baby(ies) that K is carrying!

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On a positive note the clinic's IVF coordinator called me to tell me that our paperwork was approved! This was a huge relief to me given that I answered a question about marijuana use honestly and said that I tried it in college. I was freaking out thinking that this was going to ruin everything. The IVF coordinator said she's passing our files on to data entry to have them create a chart for K and she'll be calling us on Friday or Monday to schedule our pysch eval and infectious disease testing. I requested that we schedule the consent signing on the same day to avoid multiple trips to the clinic. I'm hoping that we'll get our IVF calendar that day or shortly thereafter. The ball is still rolling ever so slowly ...

For Myles

Today I came home to find an email from a friend and fellow preeclampsia survivor, A. Attached to this email was the above picture. A took the time while on the beach this weekend to make this for me and for Myles. I think it is so beautiful and so sweet of A. Thank you, A, for your kindness and thoughtfulness! You have been and continue to be such a great supporter of me. I am lucky to call you my friend!

The email and picture from A brightened my not so great day. I spent the entire day at the district office in meetings trying to rewrite curriculum with the biology teachers from the other high school across town. We all agree to disagree, so you can imagine how well things went. As if the meeting itself wasn't bad enough one of the guys who I'll call Mr. Teacher asked me about Myles and things got uncomfortable for everyone ...

Mr. Teacher: So, Niki did you have a boy or girl?

Me: I had a boy.

Mr. Teacher: When was he born?

Me: January 21, 2008

Mr. Teacher: What's his name?

Me: Myles

Me: (thinking) Is he trying to be nice by asking about my dead baby? Does he honestly not know what happened? How am I going to deal with this without making him uncomfortable? How do I not draw anymore attention to myself?

Mr. Teacher: How exciting. Your little guy is almost a year old. You must be quite busy with your little one getting into everything.

Me: (thinking) Ouch, that's something I try to avoid thinking about and now he's shoved it in my face. If Myles had survived, he would be 10 months old. :( I immediately feel sick to my stomach and the hole in my heart starts to ache and throb. Clearly he doesn't know and now I've led him to believe that my son is living and now it's going to be even more weird when I blurt out that Myles died.

Me: (trying to avoid eye contact) Um, actually no. Myles died in February. I didn't say anything because I assumed you knew and then when I realized that you didn't know I was trying to avoid making you uncomfortable.

Mr. Teacher: (not even looking at me now) Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Me: That's fine. You didn't know and were trying to be nice.

Mr. Teacher: What happened?

Me: Myles was born prematurely and developed pneumonia, which was too much for his tiny, immature lungs.

Mr. Teacher: I'm really sorry and I'm sorry that I brought it up.

Me: (thinking) As if you mentioning it just suddenly caused it to pop in my brain after having not thought about it?! Seriously, like Myles isn't always on my mind?! Why do people think that by not mentioning/asking I won't think about my son?

Me: (feeling offended) You don't need to apologize. Myles was an amazing little boy and I'm happy to talk about him. Yes, it's sad that he died, but he's still my son. I had him and enjoyed spending 26 days with him. Honestly I actually enjoy mentioning Myles's name.

Mr. Teacher: (very, very uncomfortable now) Again I'm sorry.

Me: Thank you. Okay, so what do you think about _____ (insert something/anything about the curriculum to make Mr. Teacher comfortable again).

I'm not sure why such conversations cause me such heartache, but I guess they just catch me by surprise. I presume that everyone already knows what happened and don't expect to be asked specific questions about my child who they assume is living. I hate it that I have to comfort others about my son's death. I hate it that I can't just talk about Myles and tell people how amazing he was. I hate it that I have to "hide" my son and the amazing, miracle who he was. I love Myles and wish that it was socially acceptable for me to express this without getting the puppy dog eyes and look of pity. I am a Mommy who loves her son just like every other mommy, but I can't beam and brag about him without feeling weird. Just another thing to grieve.

Children's Remembrance Celebration

Yesterday J and I along with our family and a few friends traveled to Mayo Clinic for a Children's Remembrance Celebration. I expected it to be a difficult ceremony and that it was. The ceremony involved songs, poetry, flowers, balloons, a paren'ts letter and a photo montage of all the children who were being remembered. Myles's picture was the first one in the slide show and I completely lost it when I saw his picture on their giant screen. It's weird because I look at his pictures many times each day, but to see it on a big screen in a room filled with other parents who've lost children was very emotional. We saw a few of the staff who helped us while Myles was at the children's hospital, but none of the nurses or doctors. We opted not to go on the tour of the NICU. J and I don't want to go back there.

I talked with parents of another micro-preemie, Ellie, who was born at 24 wks in 2005and died after a 4 day fight for life. Ellie was a beautiful little girl and her parents were kind, loving people. My heart ached for Ellie's mommy as she told me Ellie's story through tears. She expressed so much guilt of not being there with her daughter in the NICU. Ellie's mommy was 2 hours away in the hospital where she delivered recovering from her c-section. Ellie was flown to Mayo at birth. The day Ellie died her mommy was released from the hospital, but she didn't make it in time. Three years later Ellie's mommy still harbors the guilt of not being there with her daughter during her life and death. I could feel her pain and sadness and wished I could take it away. I can relate to the overwhelming guilt. However, my guilt is over Myles's early birth. My body failed Myles and resulted in his death. As his mommy I was supposed to protect him and I failed. Just as Ellie's mommy is haunted by guilt I will also be haunted by guilt for the rest of my life.

It's been 9 months today since Myles's death. It's weird because some days it feels like a lifetime ago that I held him and felt the life leave his tiny body, yet other days it feels like it was just yesterday. I miss Myles terribly and can't even imagine what my life would be like if he were here. I feel empty, lonely, and broken. I want nothing more than to see my little guy's sparkling eyes again. I want to feel his warm little body over my heart. I want to know what it feels like to watch my child reach milestones. I want the world to think of me as a mommy. I want my son back.

Miracle Babies

I just watched this touching love story video of a little baby boy named Eliot who was born with Trisomy 18 and lived for 99 days. Eliot was featured on Oprah's Miracle Babies program today. This video moved me beyond words. I bawled and bawled during the video and have been bawling ever since I watched it. The tears that are flowing are for my miracle baby Myles, for Eliot, and for all of the other miracle babies and their parents. Although this baby was different than Myles in so many ways, he was also very similar. Myles miraculously managed to nestle into my less than optimal womb. Myles managed to stay active in my womb despite lacking oxygen and nutrients. Myles was not expected to live much beyond birth, but he fought for 26 days. Myles was our little miracle baby who we love and miss more and more with each passing day! Honoring and remembering all miracle babies!

Angel Mommy Blog Award

Many thanks to Nikki at I'll Fly Away for the Angel Mommy Blog Award. We're both Angel mommies who know each other's pain and anguish. This award will be passed on to other Angel mommies who chronicle their feelings in the blogosphere. Please read the following poem and remember that we are Mommies who love our babies just as much as other mommies who's angels are with them here on Earth.

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Don't Tell Me Please

Don't tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too,

Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true,

Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,

Though it is true, I want him here with me,

Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,

Beyond today I cannot see,

Don't tell me it is time to move on,

Because I cannot,

Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,

Because denial is something I can't stop,

Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more,

Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,

I'll never be as I was before,

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,

That you will listen when I talk of my child,

You can share with me my precious memories,

You can even cry with me for a while,

And please don't hesitate to say his name,

Because it is something I long to hear everyday,

Friend please realize that I can never be the same,

But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Seriously, is everyone pregnant?

Okay, so I'm irritated and bitter today. I'm finally bleeding and cramping, so I think I'm miscarrying.

Today a friend announced her pregnancy to me (she's about 8wks along), so that makes 7 pregnant friends. Yep, 7 people in my close circle to go on and on about their future plans with a baby. I feel like everyone in my world is pregnant and/or has newborns. All I frickin' hear about is crap about the aches and pains of pregnancy, which of course I'd give anything to have. I hear the constant talk about baby names, nursery plans, what life will be life when the baby arrives, etc... It takes everything in me not to shout in their face that there are NO guarantees in life. Getting a positive pee stick doesn't mean that you will have a rising beta. Having rising betas doesn't mean that you will see an embryo at the first ultrasound. Once you see the heartbeat doesn't mean that you are no longer at risk for having a miscarriage. Entering the 14th week doesn't mean that there's no longer a risk for anything bad happening. Starting labor at term doesn't mean you will give birth to a living baby! I wish I could live in their naive world where once I got a + hpt I could start decorating the nursery and picking out baby names. Unfortunately my reality is quite different!

Two of my close friends have newborns (and most of the others have toddlers), so I get to hear how perfect their lives are and how absolutely in love they are. They tell me like I don't frickin' have a clue about the love a mother has for her child. This hurts me the most! I fell madly in love with Myles too when I first met him and continue to love him just as much even though he's no longer with me. How dare they treat me like I'm not a mother and that I don't understand a mother's love. I should have a 9 month old baby, but instead I visit my son at his grave. Yes, I am bitter and jealous today (well who are we kidding, most days).

Oh and I forgot to mention that I'm having a dinner party with girls from work. Among the girls attending are two pregnant girls (one who's about to pop and the other is the one who just announced her pregnancy) and two new mommies. The rest of course are mommies too. So, the whole dinner party will be spent hearing about pregnancy, newborns, and motherhood. I can't really "not go" because I'm hosting it at my house. It's going to be horrible!