Period after D&C?

My clinic won't schedule K's SHG or give us our IVF calendar** until she gets a visit from AF. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since K had the D&C. So, we are wondering how long it took others to get their first period following a D&C. Also, if you could share what it was like that would be great. I'm not much help in this area because I didn't get a period following my D&C, but that's because I never get one (thanks PCOS!). I appreciate you sharing this with us.

**I should mention that I WILL get a hypothetical calendar from my clinic before the day is over! I've found that persistance and a tad bit of pushiness slathered in butter is helpful in the IF world. I have being sweet, yet demanding down to a science! ;) K and I are both planners and like to know what's in our future, so we just need to know when we might be doing an ER and ET!

Pathology Report

K called me to tell me that her appointment went well today. The ob seems to think that the light spotting she's having is "normal" considering how much blood was in her uterus at the D&C. My good friend, Dr. E, who's also an ob said it's possible for her to spot/bleed right into her next period, which is what K's ob said too. If she's still spotting in a week, then she'll have a beta hcg draw. Otherwise the ob was pleased with her healing, which of course made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. I wanted nothing more than to hear that K was on the mend, at least physcially.

The ob gave K the pathology report from the chromosomal analysis that was done on the embryo. The karotype showed 46XY, which for you non-sciency folks means normal male. This news is bittersweet for J and I. We lost a normal little boy, a brother to Myles, so that is very hard to stomach. However, this news provides further evidence that I DO make some good embryos, so I can feel better going into IVF #2 and doing another ET to a carrier.

K who is not normally an emotional person burst into tears at the doctor's unveiling of the news. I can only imagine what went through her head, but am fairly certain it was a combination of guilt and blame. I tried to explain to K that "bad things happen" and that NOTHING she did or didn't do could have caused this. I don't know how to explain it, but I am certain that it had nothing to do with K's beautiful uterus. I hope that K really believes what I'm saying and tries to remind herself of this over and over again. I know from experience that guilt is an ugly beast to battle, so please keep K in your thoughts.

I'm not sure how I'll feel about this news tomorrow. It may hit me hard that we could've had another little boy come October had the universe been kinder to us. But for today I will focus on this news as a sign of hope. We now KNOW that at least 2 of my 8 embryos were chromosomally normal, so it is possible and likely that we will make a few more good embryos. And there's a good chance that we might actually get to bring a baby home.

Questions for RE

I'm always so humbled by your kind words and compliments, but want to reiterate that I'm not really all that extraordinary. We all face fear in our own battles and we all seem to find a way to face it and move forward despite it. I have to tip my hat to all of you too because I think infertiles (and their partners) and babyloss parents are among the most courageous people walking this planet. We are all so full of fear, worry, and anxiety, yet we still manage to brave each day. Also, I can not forget the amazing women who set their fears aside to help other's have a family ... surrogates are some of the strongest, most amazing, courageous women as well!

Thank you to everyone who answered my questions regarding the D&C. K is still spotting, which I've read has happened to some women up until their period arrives. Of course most women, including me, don't have that, which worries me, but I'm tyring not to stress about it. I would feel better if K had a beta drawn to get a better picture of what's going on, but she is comfortable waiting until her follow-up with the ob next week.

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who replied to my question about acupuncture. I want to clarifiy that I did acupuncture weekly for several months leading up to IVF #1, which I continued through all of my FETs. Additionally, I did pre- and post-transfer acupuncture sessions with all of my ETs (and K did it with the FET to her). I wasn't asking if I should do it before and after the transfer, but rather if I should do it during stimminng and/or leading up to my cycle. When I did IVF #1 with acupuncture we had a good response and 8 blasts, so I'm trying to decide if I should do acupuncture again with IVF #2 (preceding the ER). I'm still trying to decide what I should do. I'm thinking that I'll do it at the very least during my cycle. I do find it to be relaxing for the most part, but get a little stressed about the added costs associated with it. I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do.

Tomorrow afternoon we are meeting with our RE, Dr. S, to discuss the recent FET with K and make plans for a future IVF cycle. I am disappointed that we won't have the pathology results back from the testing that was done on the fetal tissue until next week. I was really hoping to have it back before our meeting tomorrow. Although we won't have a definitive answer to what caused the miscarriage, we'll discuss all of the possible scenarios and focus on the one likely culprit--a chromosomal abnormailty in the embryo (i.e., an aneuploidy). I have many things on my list to discuss with Dr. S, but here are just a few of them:

• Low E2 during IVF #1 - what impact did that have on eggs and embryos? what causes this to happen? will it likely occur in IVF #2?
• Egg quality - how did they look? does he suspect that they have problems? can we do anything with the protocol to try to improve it? at what point would we need to consider donor eggs?
• Embryo quality - how likely is it that most of my high-quality (A's) blasts have chromosomal abnormalities? what does the research say? at what point would we need to consider donor embryos?
• PGD - risks? benefits? does he think it's necessary? etc...
• CGH - (I know my clinic doesn't do it, but I want to chat about it.)
• Metformin - i was on this with IVF #1 should I go back on it for IVF #2?
• DHEA - can we test this? if it's low will he suggest putting me on it?
• Acupuncture - could it have contributed to my good response in IVF #1? does he think that not doing it will affect the results of IVF #2?
• Protocol - will we use the antagonist protocol again? will we add/change anything? will he shoot for low and slow stimming again or will he start me on a higher dose initially?
• Timeline - when can we do IVF #2? how does he feel about doing ER and freezing all of my embryos if we don't have a surrogate ready to go do ET right after ER? (I'm guessing he'll be fine with this because we did this with IVF #1 and had 100% freeze/thaw survival of our blasts.)
• Surrogacy Stuff - if K is able to move forward when would she be able to do an ET? what if K is unable to move forward with us? what if we have to find a new surrogate? logistics of finding a new surro? time frame of testing if we have to find a new surro? what about a dual transfer to me and a surro? (FYI--J is not down with this and made it clear he thinks it's a bad idea.) what if we don't have a surrogate? would he transfer to me? etc...

If there's anything that you think I should ask him, please feel free to provide some suggestions.

Bleeding after D&C

Okay, girls I need you to share your experience with K regarding bleeding after a D&C. When I had mine I bleed for about a week ending with some spotting. As of yesterday K was still having a pretty heavy, period-like flow. She is worried that they did a poor job and that she has "retained products of conception", which will result in her needing to undergo a hysteroscopy. Of course I hope she's wrong and that the bleeding is normal and tapers off soon.

After my D&C I did need to have a hysteroscopy to remove "retained products of conception" that were left behind, which we discovered when my betas weren't dropping back to zero. Per my urging my ob did an SHG 8wks post D&C and saw "something" in my uterus. That something was removed during the hysteroscopy and was biopsied and found to be leftover tissue from the pregnancy. As soon as the tissue was removed my beta dropped to zero. For me that whole process added insult to injury and didn't allow me to have closure for the cycle and loss. I'm really hoping that K doesn't have to go through this as she's already had so much to endure. Please share with us how long you bleed after your D&C.

Please share with us your experience.

Miscarriage is underway

I just received an email from K and she thinks the miscarriage has started. Last night she started having heavy bright red bleeding, cramps, and contractions, which have been pretty constant ever since. Just in time for her birthday--nice, hah?! I swear the universe has it out for us and punishes us and now those reproductively involved with us on our birthdays ... I found out the baby died on my 30th birthday in pregnancy #1. Myles died only a few hours after Josh's birthday. Now K is going through a miscarriage on her 31st birthday. Damn universe! We might just have to start celebrating our birthdays on a different day of the year!

K is such a trooper and toughed it out at school today and plans to go to her clinicals tomorrow. She really is one tough cookie, isn't she?! K said she's worried that she missed the baby (I asked her to collect the tissue to send to pathology for chromosomal analysis), but has received reassurance from a few she knows who've had a miscarriage that she will know. Although I'm a recurrent miscarrier, I can't provide much guidance in this area. I had a D&C with my first and the other three were early losses (5-6wks), which more or less resulted in an extra heavy flow. So, if you have any experience please share it with K. Also, please continue to think of K and pray that the process is over relatively quickly.

Hola from Mexico!

I finally convinced J that we should spend the $60/wk to have wireless internet, so I thought I'd post a quick blog update while J is still sleeping (we had a late night in the club last night). Our travels here were smooth and uneventful and the resort it absolutely beautiful, but I have to admit I was disappointed to see kids here. I just really needed to get away from kids/babies right now. This isn't a very "kid-friendly" resort and we are surprised that people would bring their kids here, but we try to ignore them as best as we can. We are enjoying the warmth of the Mexico sun and the chill of the cold drinks. The ocean is a bit too cold for us (you'd think Wisconsinites could handle the cold?!), so we sit around the pool most of the day, which is okay anyway because it's closer to the bars! :)

I have to admit that being here is like an escape from my reality, but I'm worried when I get home my reality is going to come crashing down on me in a huge way. :( We will be meeting with my RE to discuss the plan of action for IVF #2. I'm hoping that I have a similar response (19 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 8 blasts), but am worried of course that being two years older might hurt me. I do plan to discuss PGD with my RE. I know that PGD is not as good as CGH, but I don't have that option with my clinic (and we're not ready to go to CCRM yet). PGD has it's limitations, but it also has it's value. I think it might be helpful for us. I would like to know that I'm transferring chromosomally normal embryos to my carrier, so I can significantly reduce (or hopefully eliminate) the chance of another miscarriage. It pains me that I've introduced K to this sad world of loss and that the reason she is experiencing this physical and emotional pain is because she wanted to help us. The injustice of that is killing me! Someone who gives so selflessly should NOT have to suffer in any way! So, if PGD helps us to insure that more pain won't befall our wonderful, amazing, selfless, giving carrier, then we will do it!

Okay, back to my escapre from reality ... here's a couple of pics of us in Mexico:

BTW ... Today is K's birthday, so please wish her a very, very happy birthday! She so deserves to be treated like a queen today and every day! :)

Seriously, is everyone pregnant?

Okay, so I'm irritated and bitter today. I'm finally bleeding and cramping, so I think I'm miscarrying.

Today a friend announced her pregnancy to me (she's about 8wks along), so that makes 7 pregnant friends. Yep, 7 people in my close circle to go on and on about their future plans with a baby. I feel like everyone in my world is pregnant and/or has newborns. All I frickin' hear about is crap about the aches and pains of pregnancy, which of course I'd give anything to have. I hear the constant talk about baby names, nursery plans, what life will be life when the baby arrives, etc... It takes everything in me not to shout in their face that there are NO guarantees in life. Getting a positive pee stick doesn't mean that you will have a rising beta. Having rising betas doesn't mean that you will see an embryo at the first ultrasound. Once you see the heartbeat doesn't mean that you are no longer at risk for having a miscarriage. Entering the 14th week doesn't mean that there's no longer a risk for anything bad happening. Starting labor at term doesn't mean you will give birth to a living baby! I wish I could live in their naive world where once I got a + hpt I could start decorating the nursery and picking out baby names. Unfortunately my reality is quite different!

Two of my close friends have newborns (and most of the others have toddlers), so I get to hear how perfect their lives are and how absolutely in love they are. They tell me like I don't frickin' have a clue about the love a mother has for her child. This hurts me the most! I fell madly in love with Myles too when I first met him and continue to love him just as much even though he's no longer with me. How dare they treat me like I'm not a mother and that I don't understand a mother's love. I should have a 9 month old baby, but instead I visit my son at his grave. Yes, I am bitter and jealous today (well who are we kidding, most days).

Oh and I forgot to mention that I'm having a dinner party with girls from work. Among the girls attending are two pregnant girls (one who's about to pop and the other is the one who just announced her pregnancy) and two new mommies. The rest of course are mommies too. So, the whole dinner party will be spent hearing about pregnancy, newborns, and motherhood. I can't really "not go" because I'm hosting it at my house. It's going to be horrible!

Another loss

Beta #4 = 35 = Miscarriage #4

I wish that the numbers hadn't risen. I had my time to emotionally deal with the loss and then the numbers rose. I was given a small sense of hope and I played into it. Why on earth I even considered that this pregnancy would go anywhere is beyond me. I should no better by now. I'm a recurrent miscarrier. My body kills my babies.

The last two miscarriages have made me miss Myles even more ... to think that somehow, some way he managed to stay put in my horrid uterus and then he fought against all odds and died of pneumonia of all things. Myles was my little fighter and he should have made it.

I hate my body and I hate the universe!

Bleeding

Well of course just when I finally think wow I'm pregnant again I have bleeding. At a convention today I had a slight amount of pink spotting on my panty liner, but nothing for the rest of the day. I was having mild overall cramping, which I have had on and off throughout the later part of the 2ww. I also had this in my first pregnancy and with Myles, but it makes me worry. Just a little bit ago I went to the bathroom and my panty liner was covered in bright red blood. Not just a drop, but rather the amount you'd have if you had your period. My breasts hurt a lot today, which I was taking as a good sign, but now I'm convinced that I'm dealing with an impending miscarriage. I called my clinic with the spotting earlier today and requested another beta, which they agreed to do to ease my worries (or in my opinion confirm a miscarriage). I am a total wreck and not ready for this roller coaster.

Stupid nurse

Well one of the nurses at my local ob/gyn clinic just phoned me at the end of 3rd period (I'm not even sure how she got through to me as our phones go to voicemail during school hours?!) and before I could interrupt her to not tell me she blurted out the results of my beta. My beta hcg is only 19. This is the same level as it was with FET #2 and you all know how that ended. I expect this to be chemical #3 and miscarriage #4. I am now convinced that my body WILL kill any perfect embryo that is placed inside it (well except for Myles because he was an amazing little fighter!). Not much more to say.

Miscarriage #3

First I want to thank all of you who came to give me cyber hugs and lend support. It means a lot to know there are others out there who understand what I'm going through. Many cyber hugs to all of you in the IF trenches and many congrats to those of you who've made it out.

Infertility sucks. Miscarriage sucks. Having to do IVF sucks. Preeclampsia sucks. Losing a child sucks beyond belief. Having to do IVF again sucks. Having a miscarriage after all of the previously listed "sucky" things that have happened to me sucks.

I got my 2nd beta results back and my beta hcg dropped to 7. So, this makes miscarriage #3 for me. Although this wasn't a surprise, it still stung a bit. I wasn't holding out much hope, but had that persistant thought of well maybe just maybe this could be my miracle. Seriously, who was I kidding? Miracles happen to other people not me.

I am saddened by the loss of my dream and I am horrified to think that my body may have caused the death of my embryos. I am starting to really worry that my body is a baby killing machine?! I want to believe that it's not, but I'm having a hard time putting any faith in this body whatsoever.

This loss compounds and amplifies my sadness over Myles' death. If he had been born in May as was planned, I wouldn't be going through this loss right now. I'd be cuddling and loving my sweet little boy. I'd still have 6 frozen snowbabies in the freezer. But, my life never goes according to plans and Myles came early and died far too soon. So, now rather than cuddling and loving my sweet boy I cry and long for him daily! And now I lost another baby. I've been pregnant 4 times and all 4 times I've lost my babies. I have a giant, broken heart along with two empty, aching arms.

Do I have still have hope after all of this? Depends on when you ask me this. Right now Myles still gives me hope. Will I keep trying? Today I say yes I will keep trying and I won't let it end this way. I will emulate my son's strength and courage. I will persevere. I have 4 snowbabies who are waiting for me and I hope that one will fill my arms and warm my heart after all this heartache. Infertility and preeclampsia have not won! I will not let them beat me!

I'm a baby killing machine

Hi, my name is Niki and my body kills babies.

I took 3 hpts this past weekend and all immediately came up as +. I was guardedly excited, but honestly didn't expect much. I told some of my friends that I was pregnant, but that I would probably end up having a miscarriage because "I was due for one." Boy did I predict that one ... today was my 1st beta and it came back at only 19. I can only assume that I am miscarrying given that the most sensitive hpt detects the lowest level of hcg at 25, which means that my hcg level must have been at least 25 on Friday. Therefore, my hcg levels have dropped and I'm having chemical pregnancy #2. So, that makes a total of 3 miscarriages (2 chemical pregnancies and 1 m/c at 12wks) for me and with Myles' death a total of 4 losses. Four pregnancies, 1 beautiful baby, and 2 empty, aching arms! :(

My clinic says they don't go by hpts and that I have to continue on my meds and wait for the 2nd beta on Wednesday. I asked what would happen if the level dropped and the nurse said I would be able to stop meds and wait to bleed. I immediately asked when I could start another cycle and she said as soon as I get a period I could begin things. Gosh, what kind of mommy am I to my snowbabies that are trying to hang on?! I'm already on to my next cycle. I guess I just wish it would have been a bfn as that would have been easier to deal with. Of course all of this shit makes me just miss Myles even more! It makes me wonder if I'm destined for a life of only being a mommy to a dead baby?! I just can't bear to live the rest of my life that way!

Then I ask myself these questions: Why do I keep doing this to my snowbabies?! Am I knowingly killing them by placing them in my body? Should I just quit and live my life as the mother to a dead baby? How can I continue to go through this over and over again? How much will be enough?

Standing between hopelessness and hope

Today I find myself searching for hope ... I have looked for hope in the statistics, but to me statistics are meaningless. I have looked for hope from my doctors, but they can't make any promises. I have looked for hope in other's stories of success in a subsequent pregnancy, but I know that everyone is different. I have looked for hope everywhere and can't seem to find it. Hope seems to have vanished from my life the day Myles died. Does anyone know where to find hope now?

I think over the past 3 years I've used up all of my hope and have ever so slowly had my optimism whittled away. The before Myles self was eternally optimistic despite the long, devastating battle with infertilty and recurrent miscarriages. When I was kicked down time and time again I would pick myself back up by reminding myself that all of the struggles would one day be worth it--one day I would hold my baby in my arms!

When I held Myles for the very first time my predictions were verified ... I held him and experienced the utmost gratitude and an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my struggles--if not for my infertility and if not for my miscarriages and if not for IVF I might not have been given my beautiful, amazing son! Myles was that long-awaited gift that made our struggles worth it!

I sit here and wonder how on Earth I can dredge up hope like that now?! I know that I will never feel grateful or appreciative of Myles' death (despite what a select few have told me)! At times I feel hopeless, but periodically have fleeting moments when thinking of Myles that I have a renewed sense of hope. But, then reality slaps me in the face and hope vanishes just as quickly as it came back! I find myelf standing at the interface between hopelessness and hope and have to tell you that it's a strange, unfamiliar place. So, tell me where do you find hope?

My Infertility Journey

March 2005 - Stopped bcp to make a baby

March-June 2005 - No af

July 2005 - Induced af with Provera

August 2005 - Met with Ob/Gyn to discuss anovulation; Induce af with Provera and planned to start clomid

September 2005 - Clomid #1 (50mg cd5-9; unmonitored) - No O!

November 2005 - Clomid #2 (100mg cd 5-9; unmonitored) - started bleeding on cd23 - Unsure of O?

December 2005 - Clomid #3 (150mg cd 5-9; unmonitored) - BFN!

Early January 2006 - Clomid #4 (150mg cd 5-9; unmonitored) - No O!

Late January 2006 - Clomid # 5 (200mg cd5-9; unmonitored) - No O!

February 2006 - Clomid #6 (150mg cd5-9; unmonitored) - No O!

March 2006 - Consult with local women's clinic "Infertility Specialist" (an ob/gyn who dabbles in infertility) - Dx: Atypical PCOS (anovulatory)

April 2006 - Monitored Clomid #7 (25mg cd 3-10) - No O! - Dx: Clomid resistant

May & June 2006 - BCP to "quiet ovaries"

July 2006 - Minimal Stim = Clomid+Repronex = BFP!!

Early August 2006 - 1 bean with strong h/b

Late September 2006 - Miscarriage #1 = No h/b @ 12wks - D & C

October 2006 - Moved on to RE - Put on Metformin

November 2006 - Hysteroscopy to remove "retained products of conception”

Late December 2006 - Femara #1 – BFN

Jan/Feb 2007 - Femara #2 – BFN

March 2007 - Femara #3 - BFP (Beta = 8) - Miscarriage #2

April 2007 - Fired old RE, hired new RE & on to IVF

July 2007 - IVF #1 - 19 eggs retrieved; 16 eggs fert; 8 high-quality blasts (all frozen); cancelled transfer due to thin lining

August 14, 2007 - FET #1 - 2 Grade A/A blasts transferred

August 24, 2007 - BFP!! 1st beta = 179; EDD = May 1, 2008

September 10, 2007 - 1 bean with a strong heartbeat

January 21, 2008 - Myles was born @ 26wks gestation via emergency c-section due to severe preeclampsia/HELLP

February 16, 2008 - Myles' died due to pneumonia and our hearts broke :(

July 2008 - FET #2 - 2 Grade A/B blasts transferred - BFP! (Beta = 19) - Miscarriage #3

September 2008 - FET #3 - BFP! (doubling numbers that dropped at 4th beta) - Miscarriage #4

November 2008 - On to surrogacy