So it begins at 3-4dp5dt ...

... the obsessing and worrying that is. Last night I spent a couple hours on the internet looking at photos of high-quality blasts to compare to mine, reading about pregnancy rates with hatching blasts, and looking at hpt pics at 4-5dp5dt. I am officially now in my "normal" obsessive 2ww mode--uggh! I am incredibly anxious and I can't stop thinking about all of the possibilities, both good and bad. I sent K a text late last night asking if she was feeling any symptoms yet and this morning I awoke to her response that she doesn't feel anything yet. Although I know this isn't unusual for being only 4dp5dt, I feel defeated and convinced that the cycle didn't work. Now don't get too worried about me because this is part of the normal ups and downs for me in the 2ww. I haven't lost hope or anything crazy like that, but rather am working through my fears. I'm finding it really hard to prepare for the worst case scenario--a bfn! I haven't had a bfn in any of the other 4 IVF/FET cycles, so I'll be quite shocked to get one with such high-quality, fresh blasts.

Last cycle K's (.)(.) were sore on 4dp5dt, which is today, but she says that according to her journal she didn't notice it until later in the day. If she doesn't feel any tenderness tonight, I know I'm going to be sad. However, I know it doesn't mean a bfn. There are plenty of girls who don't have much in the way of symptoms, but still get a bfp. In fact, I didn't notice symptoms when I was pregnant with Myles until around 9dp5dt when my (.)(.) appeared swollen and the areola were darker and enlarged. So, I need to remain hopeful no matter how she's feeling in the next couple of days. K called to tell me that she's worried about the lack of sore (.)(.), but mentioned that she feels bloated sort of the feeling before af arrives. I told her that could be a good sign! I reminded K (and let's be honest me too) that some girls don't get any symptoms until much later. The plan is for K to POAS tomorrow, which makes me sick to my stomach to think about, so please think + thoughts for us! Please share your 2ww stories with us.

Note to self ... must find things to occupy my free time (which is abundant as I'm on summer vacation) for the rest of the week, so I don't spend every waking hour online obsessing!

Stupid nurse

Well one of the nurses at my local ob/gyn clinic just phoned me at the end of 3rd period (I'm not even sure how she got through to me as our phones go to voicemail during school hours?!) and before I could interrupt her to not tell me she blurted out the results of my beta. My beta hcg is only 19. This is the same level as it was with FET #2 and you all know how that ended. I expect this to be chemical #3 and miscarriage #4. I am now convinced that my body WILL kill any perfect embryo that is placed inside it (well except for Myles because he was an amazing little fighter!). Not much more to say.

Self restraint

Hello to all my wonderful, supportive blog readers,

Despite my overwhelming desire to POAS again I didn't. Ahh, self restraint. Well dh hid the tests too, so that may have influenced my decision. On a positive note I still have all of my symptoms, which is encouraging, and I've noticed another positive symptom, constantly erect nipples. Weird, hah?! I had that when I was pregnant with Myles, so I'm taking it as a good sign.

I'm sure you are waiting on pins and needles for my beta results, but you will have to wait until this afternoon. I am trying to exercise self restraint, which is quite difficult for me, by not calling until the end of the school day for my first beta results. This was my compromise to myself. I can't (okay refuse to) wait until Monday, yet I really don't want to find out smack dab in the middle of the school day. Trying to teach for the rest of the day would be nearly impossible in the wake of devastating news or even with great news. So, I will wait until school gets out at 2:30pm today (we have a 15 minute early release for Homecoming). As soon as the bell rings I'll be dialing the clinic's number and will post my results as soon as I get them.

Thanks for waiting with me, encouraging me, and praying for me!

POAS #2

Many thanks for the congrats and well wishes! I appreciate everyone's continued support and encouragement!

So, being the neurotic woman I am I tested again this morning. I was hoping for a darker line to show up, but was disappointed when the line showed up just as light as last night. I'm trying not to read into this, but given my history of chemical pregnancies I'm having a hard time not. I know a line is a line, but I would expect a darker line at 9dp5dt. This makes me wonder/worry if my beta levels are really low. I still "feel" pregnant and have most of the symptoms I listed yesterday, so I'm trying to think positive thoughts.

I have my first beta tomorrow and my 2nd on Monday, but my RE's clinic doesn't call with the results until they have the 2nd beta results. However, I have the blood drawn locally at my ob/gyn's clinic. Last time I called them the day of the 1st beta because I know that legally they can't withhold my medical information from me, so I just asked them to tell me the results of my bloodwork. Of course the triage nurse knows nothing about my infertility clinic's policy, so she told me the results. I think I'll have to "cheat" and do this again tomorrow. I'm hoping for an average beta (notice I'm not asking for it all), but don't have any expectations of hearing good news. Being a recurrent miscarrier sucks and makes being hopeful very difficult!

I finally conquered the pee stick ...

... at 7pm using way too dilute urine, but I saw a faint 2nd line. My instincts were correct and I am indeed BFP!! I used FRER and immediately ran to my neighbor's to have her confirm the presence of a 2nd line (J was at a meeting). I tried to take photos, but I can't zoom in close enough to see the light line. I will retest tomorrow using FMU and am hoping for a darker line!

Although I am very happy and grateful for the BFP, it doesn't mean that I should start picking out names and getting the nursery ready. I've had two chemicals and 1 late 1st trimester miscarriage, so I'm viewing this as the first step in many. Please send tons and tons of sticky dust my way because I need all I can get!

So much for not obsessing

I've been trying my best not to obsess over potential early pregnancy symptoms, but like the good Type A person I am I keep a journal. I've done this with my past IVF cycles, so I am doing it again. Every day past transfer I journal my symptoms and of course I compare them to the previous two IVF cycles, which both were bfps. I pay special attention to those I had with my pregnancy with Myles even though I know that every pregnancy is different.

Today I am 5dp5dt (and technicially 5dp6dt because one was a 6 day blast). I haven't felt much other than a few uterine twinges, which feel like pinching, sore back, panges radiating from within my breasts out (not sore to the touch though), and waking early. I had similar symptoms with Myles's pregnancy, but all of these could be attributed to PIO and Endometrin.

I am not brave enough to test this early. With Myle's pregnancy I didn't POAS until after my beta, but with my last cycle I POAS'd at 8dp5dt. I am considering testing at the same time this cycle, which would be Wednesday, but I'm terrified of a bfn.