Silence, Alaska, and K's symptoms

I find myself without words to express my swirling thoughts right now, hence the silence. I'm trying to be patient as we wait for the u/s, which is now less than a week away, by distracting myself with preparations for my Alaska trip. I'm taking 7 high school students to the Kenai peninsula of Alaska for a week long Eco-edventure. We are going to explore temperate rainforest, trek on massive glaciers, sea kayak with marine mammals and birds, cruise the waters on a 26-foot boot in search of orcas and humpback whales, meet native Alaskans, and participate in community conservation projects in conjunction with the US Forest Service. We're not camping, but we're not staying at a luxury resort either. We're staying in a hostel called Moby Dick in Seward. I'm looking forward to the splendor and beauty of Alaska!

Many people have asked me how K is doing and I'm guessing the rest of you are wondering too, so I thought I'd give you an update. Overall K feels good. She's had cramping typical of early pregnancy and has been been feeling extremely exhausted. K says here ( . )( . ) are huge and sore. She's also starting to feel hungry all the time.

I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I'm a little anxious about Tuesday's u/s. Tonight at dinner I told J that I'm worried that we won't see a heartbeat or that there won't be a baby or that ... (insert any fear you can think of). J reminded me that worrying is normal and that there's really nothing any of us can do at this point. Everything is out of our control and we can't change the outcome, but we can control and/or change our attitude and outlook. So, I continue to work hard to maintain a hopeful, positive attitude despite my fears. I can honestly say that overall I do have a "good feeling" and am optimistic that we will get good news on Tuesday.

Symptoms on 8dp5/6dt

Okay, my attempts to remain calm and not obsess about potential pregnancy symptoms this cycle have totally gone out the window over the last two days. I am quickly losing control and my obsession is reaching an all time high! I think J is about to kill me (however I think he does enjoy me asking him to look at and touch my breasts every 5 minutes!). I'm dying to test, but fear the pee stick! I promised J that I would wait until today to POAS. He'd actually prefer that I wait for the betas, which are Friday and Monday. Um, hell no will I wait until Monday!

With FET #2 I got a + on FRER at 8dp5dt and this was a chemical pregnancy with low betas. I do not need to be told that the meds, like PIO, can mock pregnancy symptoms because I am fully aware of that. I'm an experienced infertile and veteran IVFer, so I'm not naive. I am simply trying to think that these are positive signs! Positive thinking won't hurt anything! :)

So, here are my symptoms (not in any particular order):

• Achy breasts (inside out)
• Overall cramping
• Backaches
• Pinching, lower abdominal twinges
• Sensitivity to smells that causing gagging
• Swollen, heavy breasts*
• Light spotting 7dp5dt (only a small amount of pink/light brown)**
• An overall "feeling" of being pregnant***

*The swollen, heavy breasts were "the sign" at 8dp5dt that led me to believe I was pregnant with Myles.

**Light spotting in IVF is common. It's also common when using suppositories, when on a blood thinner, and/or when pregnant with multiples. Also, it can be a sign of implantation. Since only a small amount was on my panty liner and on my Endometrin applicator once last night, I'm thinking this is a good sign.

***I've been pregnant 4 other times and I've always just felt "different". I have a similar feeling this time.

So much for not obsessing

I've been trying my best not to obsess over potential early pregnancy symptoms, but like the good Type A person I am I keep a journal. I've done this with my past IVF cycles, so I am doing it again. Every day past transfer I journal my symptoms and of course I compare them to the previous two IVF cycles, which both were bfps. I pay special attention to those I had with my pregnancy with Myles even though I know that every pregnancy is different.

Today I am 5dp5dt (and technicially 5dp6dt because one was a 6 day blast). I haven't felt much other than a few uterine twinges, which feel like pinching, sore back, panges radiating from within my breasts out (not sore to the touch though), and waking early. I had similar symptoms with Myles's pregnancy, but all of these could be attributed to PIO and Endometrin.

I am not brave enough to test this early. With Myle's pregnancy I didn't POAS until after my beta, but with my last cycle I POAS'd at 8dp5dt. I am considering testing at the same time this cycle, which would be Wednesday, but I'm terrified of a bfn.