K's PUPO

Just as I had hoped the ET was perfect. K and I wore the cute surrogacy t-shirts I made us, which everyone seemed to get a kick out of, and we had fun! K's penthouse uterus was fluffy and readily accepted the new tenants--two Grade A+ blasts (i.e., Grade 1.1 at my clinic, which is the highest score they give). One of the embryos was hatching (pictured below on the top right) when the photo was taken an hour before the transfer. The embryologist expected the other embryo to be hatching by the time of the transfer. Both of my embabies are absolutely beautiful and although I'm biased K, Dr. S, and the entire embryology team at our clinic agreed.

Much to my surprise all 10 embryos were still growing today. The clinic froze one blast today and is watching the other 7 blasts until tomorrow. They anticipate freezing at least one of those embryos, but aren't sure about the others. My clinic has very high standards for the embryo cryopreservation--only embryos graded 2.2 or higher with 1.1 being the highest are frozen. This means that they only freeze embryos graded A's and B's. I have to admit that this is hard for me to stomach given that many women get pregnant with lesser quality embryos, but there's not much I can do about it. Honestly I just try not to think about them throwing out my embryos graded below a 2.2.

I felt completely calm today, which is pretty unusual for me, so I'm taking this as a positive sign. I am nervous to say it, but I'll whisper it ... I'm feeling very good about our prospects this cycle. Both K and I are full of hope! Dr. S was optimistic about our chances of a pregnancy with our first transfer and is even more confident that this transfer will result in a pregnancy. Our betas are 6/29 and 7/1, but K will POAS well before the betas (I stocked her with 8 tests)! We are both anxious to see a + hpt!

Me and K in the lobby of the clinic sporting our t-shirts.

K waiting to accept her new tenants.

Me, K (with embryos inside), and Dr. S after the transfer.

Me, K, two of the embryologists, Allison and Will, after the transfer.

Me, K, and the embryology team after the transfer.

K doing the post-transfer acupuncture session.

Right now K is at home resting--they give Val.ium, which made her a bit sleepy on the ride home. My clinic requires 48hrs of bedrest following the transfer, so I made a fun bedrest basket of goodies (e.g., snacks, magazines, novels, DVDs, aromatherapy lotion, candle, comfy pj's and slippers) to keep K occupied over the next 2 days. I also made meals for supper for K and her her family, so they wouldn't have to worry about what to eat. K's oldest boy wants to stay home from day care tomorrow to help take care of his mommy and I plan to take them lunch. So, between me, her wonderful hubby, T, and her vibrant boys, K and K, K and our little ones will be well taken care of. (I think K might do a post from her bed tomorrow, so look forward to that!)

Numb

This is how I've been feeling the last two weeks. I haven't had one of my typical all out sobbing episodes. I'm back to the empty, numb feeling that I had in the few weeks following Myles's death. It's like my emotions are right there under the surface, but don't come out. It's like I'm always just on the edge of a meltdown, but nothing seems to happen. The tears fill my eyes, but don't roll down my cheeks. I feel like I should have so many emotions overwhelming me right now. I do feel such a mix of emotions, but think I'm truly feeling them. Maybe it's too difficult? Maybe this is some sore of self protection?!

I wonder if some of my numbness also stems from me trying to suppress my worries over the upcoming transfer to K. A little more self-preservation, perhaps? I haven't voiced any of my worries because I don't want K to think that it has anything to do with her--it doesn't! I don't have any worries about K, her uterus, her ability to get pregnant, her ability to carry a baby, or anything else! I do worry about my embryos and I very much worry about the possibility of bringing K into our hell hole of loss. I am so grateful for what K is doing for us that it will just kill me if something bad happens that causes her to feel any sadness.

I think I'm also trying to protect myself from the emotions I will go through if this particular transfer doesn't work. The two frozen blasts are extraordinarily special to me. Both embryos were "created" in July '07 with Myles and were frozen with him. So, my two remaining frozen embryos have a special connection with Myles and this is why they are so special to me. I do know that I would be protective over any of my embryos, but these two embryos share so much with Myles that it makes me even more protective of them. They are the last living connection to Myles. Please do not misinterpret this as me losing my mind! I know they are not Myles and I would not want them to be. I know that any embryo that resulted in a pregnancy and baby would have a connection to Myles. They would be his sibling. I would love any/all of them. However, I still have a strong feeling that these two particular embryos are extra special. I'm hoping that it's because in my heart I know they will be my future children!