Two Years Ago

Two years ago a giant hole was ripped through my heart. Two years ago my world came crashing down. Two years ago my life changed forever. Two years ago today I said good-bye to my first-born son, Myles. The pain may not be as sharp today as it once was, but it's still very much there. I may not cry as often or as much as I used to, but I still shed tears for my son. I miss Myles just as much today as the day two years ago when I held him in my arms and watched him fade away. I love you Mr. Myles and will remember you always!

Remembering Myles

Today and every day for the rest of my life I will remember. I remember Myles' sweet little face and big, sparkling eyes. I remember admiring his tiny twisted toes and round little nose. I remember Myles turning to the sound of my voice. I remember how warm he felt against my chest and how soft his skin felt against my fingers. I remember watching my husband hold his son for the first time and feeling so proud. I remember hearing J say "Myles is full of smiles" and thinking about how he was probably smiling on the inside. I remember begging the universe to spare Myles and wishing I could take his place. I remember loving so intensely and losing so much. I remember feeling like I was living in a bad dream and I remember waiting to wake up. I remember the unconditional love and the immense pain of losing my long-awaited child. I will always remember my son, Myles, and the joy he brought to my life.

A Walk to Remember Myles

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so many organizations and support groups around the country are hosting remembrance walks. We missed the local support group's walk last week due to prior obligations, but our dear friends, S, B, and T, braved the cold (upper 20's) and blustery winds yesterday to walk in memory of our sweet Myles. J and I are so very touched by their tribute and hope to join them next year! Although seeing Myles' name on the back of the t-shirt brought tears to my eyes, it also made me smile knowing that others continue to remember our little boy. Thank you so much S, B, and T for walking in memory of "Smyles"! We love you and feel fortunate to call you our friends! Check out the photo slideshow S put together for us. Oh and I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that Myles' namesake, Miles Davis, is playing the music on the photo slideshow (am I correct S?). :)

Please take a moment to remember all those babies who were lost early in pregnancy, those lost later in pregnancy, those who entered the world silently, and those who's lives were cut too short. Every parent who loses their child(ren) silently grieves daily and never, ever forgets no matter how long it's been. Please do not be afraid to speak the name of those children who've left their parents to live in this world without them. I can tell you from experience that the mere mention of my child's name warms my heart and makes me smile. I'm certain it would do the same for other babyloss parents.

Bittersweet

A few weeks ago I listed the Chic.co Cortina Travel System + an extra base that we bought for Myles on Craigs.list. It was brand new and obviously hadn't been used. In fact the extra base was still in the box. Tonight I sold it for $285 to a nice young woman who was thrilled beyond belief to be getting such a great deal on the new system (retails for $400 at BRU). She's a nurse who's having her first baby in January and fortunately for her she's living in the ignorant blissful state. Although I'm glad it went to such a good home, I'm feeling sad that I sold it. I didn't plan to use it for the twins, so I know it had to go. But it was purchased for Myles and it makes me sad to let it go. I know that Myles didn't even get to sit in it, but it was still "his" nonetheless. I remember spending hours researching it and picking out the perfect system for him. Now it's someone else's and that's hard for me to take. On the one hand I'm happy to be able to use the money to buy something for the twins, but sad that I sold something that was Myles'. Simply put it's bittersweet.

J will always be a Daddy

We Have a Son

You weren’t supposed to be a boy and you weren’t
supposed to arrive so soon. Right from the beginning
we knew you were special.

We have a son with a sense of humor.

From the moment we saw you we knew you were ours.
With daddy’s (incredibly) good looks and mommy’s
fighting spirit how could we not know?

We have a son who possesses the best of our qualities.

Hour after hour day after day you defy the odds.
We get to know you better, you prove the doctors wrong.

We have an exceptional son.

You let mommy do your cares, you listen intently while
daddy doles out promises. You make a mother’s dreams come
true with your touch, you make a father exult.

We have a son willing to share.

While you rest your mother plans for her next visit and your
father shouts your name from the rooftops. You have already
touched so many peoples’ lives you are truly an inspiration.

We all have a son.

You fought ‘till the end making your parents so very proud.
You will always be here with us in our hearts, in our thoughts,
in our actions and in our dreams.

We will always have a son.

—Your Proud Daddy (J)

Myles Lee Memorial Scholarship

This year we established an annual memorial scholarship of $1000 in Myles's name to help a graduating senior attend nursing school. Since Myles spent his short life in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) and was cared for by many caring, compassionate nurses, we thought it was fitting to give this award to a student who intends to dedicate their lives to caring for the lives of others. This year we awarded the scholarship to a young lady, M.L., who I've had the pleasure to have in two of my classes. She is an amazing young lady who will make an exceptional nurse, so we felt honored to award her the first scholarship we are giving in Myles's memory.

Today M.L. came by my room to drop off a gift and a card. She asked me not to open it until I got home. When I got home I opened the card and this is what it said ...

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Anderson,

I would like to say thank you for your generosity.
Your gift will help me achieve my dream of becoming a
nurse. I am, however, very sorry for the event to which
the scholarship is dedicated. I'm positive that Myles would
have been a loving child, kind young man and intelligent adult.
I made this gift for you two in honor of Myles and I hope it will
allow you to be happy when you think of him."

With much gratitude, M.L."

I opened the gift and there was a painting of a monarch butterfly sitting on a purple coneflower. The painting was entitled "Fly High Myles". I cried when I saw the painting and was so touched by M.L.'s thoughtfulness. This kind act makes me feel even better about choosing her to receive the scholarship.

I am a Mommy

I am Myles's Mommy. He may not be here today, but he was here 15 months ago. I love my son today just as much as the day he was born. Myles may not seem real to many, but he was very real to me. Myles had 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He had my big eyes and his Daddy's round nose. Myles was a preemie, but that doesn't make him any less our baby. Preemies are just tiny babies born too soon. I gave birth to Myles. I have the scar to show for it. I nourished Myles with my breast milk. I changed his diapers and comforted him when he was upset. I would've died to save my son, but despite my best efforts I just couldn't save him. I love Myles and my heart aches for him.

Today I may not get recognition as a mother and I may not be celebrated by my child, but I know I am Myles's Mommy and I know in my heart he loves me. Today I will remember the days I spent with Myles and I will remember how it felt to touch his soft skin and hold his tiny, warm body next to mine. Today I will quietly celebrate my motherhood in solitude.

May Day and Myles

I thought by distracting myself with activities I could forget about the significance of May 1--the day in 2008 when Myles was supposed to be born--but really all it did was delay the inevitable emotional meltdown. I had a girl's night in party with some of my friends from work on Friday night. We drank X-rated martinis and wine. We ate a variety of delectable appetizers and indulged in decadent chocolates. We chatted and had a nice time. It was a great distraction. By the time they left I was exhausted and fell asleep immediately, which was great because I didn't have time to think.

Yesterday I was busy with a variety of things, but when we went to K's for a bonfire I watched her two little boys play with her friends three little boys and I was hit with the reality that I'll never get to see Myles do any of those things I watched them do. The fact is that I'll never get to see Myles again. While sitting around the fire we were listening to K's I.pod on shuffle and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole came on. I was already thinking of Myles, but this song took me back to the day we buried him. We played this song while we released 26 rainbow-colored balloons at his burial service. I'm certain that J was thinking about it too and K even mentioned that she remembered this song at Myles's funeral. I tried to ignore it, so I wouldn't burst into tears in front of K's friends. After this song finished the next song that played was "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. As most of you know this is one of the songs that I put on Myles's tribute video. It's also one of the songs that played at his funeral. I was in total disbelief that as I was thinking of Myles and all that I'd be missing with him two songs that will forever be etched in my mind as Myles's songs played back to back on K's I.pod. K noticed it too and kept saying how strange it was.

Today the inevitable happened ... I had a total meltdown. I woke up to see the sun shining, but I didn't feel sunny inside at all. I felt completely knocked down and sad. Despite the fact that I would've liked to stay in bed all day I got up and ran some errands. On the way home I started crying and couldn't stop. I've been crying on and off all day long. I miss Myles so much that it physically hurts. I will spend the rest of my life with an aching heart. I may not cry every day anymore, but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt just as much as it did the day Myles died. It does and it will always hurt. I get the impression that some people think once I have another baby my heart will no longer be broken, but what they don't realize is that nothing is ever going to fill this giant hole in my heart. This is the wound that my son's death has left on me and it's a wound that I will bare for life.

Thank you & Amazing K

Thank you so much for all of your amazing support! I can not tell you how much it means to me to have others remembering Myles with us. We survived the one year anniversary of Myles's death and are now remembering the days leading up to the day we buried him. At this time last year I was planning my son's memorial and burial service and quite honestly I don't remember much of it. I do remember that I cried very little during this week because I was in complete shock. Furthermore, I was so focused on having the perfect memorial service for Myles that I spent hours preparing for it. I figured that I'd never plan a birthday party or any other party for him, so I had to do this one thing right. I didn't want to have any regrets and honestly I don't have any. The memorial service and burial were a great tribute to Mr. Myles. I will post pictures from both services this weekend.

UPDATE ON K & THE PREGNANCY ...

All is well with K. Today she is 5wks 5days pregnant. She's feeling very pregnant too ... super tired (ready for bed by 7pm) , hungry all the time, sore/swollen boobs, and lower abdomen twinges. She hasn't had any spotting or m/s (she didn't have m/s with her boys either). K's boys have been reading to the baby(ies) in the evening. K said that her oldest son (7) rested his hand on her belly while he read to our little one(s). So cute! When K tells me about the things her boys do and say it always makes me smile. K's boys are wonderful little guys with big hearts and melting smiles! With a mommy like K it's a no-brainer that her kids are terrific!

Our 1st u/s is on Monday, February 23 (not Jan. 23 like I said in one of my previous posts, but I'm sure you figured that out), and it can't get here soon enough! I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. I have been trying to not worry about the bad possibilities and focus on the positives. Please keep praying for our little one(s)!

Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Around 4am on 2/15/08 (J's birthday) Myles was very awake and alert. Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, took some of my favorite photos of Mr. Myles in this state. It is very easy to see Myles's beautiful, sparkling eyes so full of spirit and life in these pictures. It's still hard for me to believe that just 12 short hours later the sparkle would be gone from his eyes.

When I looked into Myles's eyes around 4pm I just knew that he was leaving this world. I recall the NICU doc telling me to stay strong and think positively, but for the first time in 25 days I just had a really bad feeling. I talked to Myles and cheered him on through my tears. I touched him and tried to soothe him. I begged and pleaded with the universe to not take him from me. I prayed and prayed and prayed to anyone and everyone who would listen. The doctors and nurses worked tirelessly for almost 8 hours trying to do everything and anything they could to help Myles, but nothing seemed to be helping. Around midnight the same NICU doc who was present at Myles's birth told us that there wasn't anything else they could do for Myles and that his time on this Earth was coming to an end. The doctor told us to spend as much time with Myles as we wanted.

Both J and I took turns holding Myles. We kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and how proud of him we were. We tried to memorize every single aspect of Myles's tiny body.

As I held Myles for the very last time I tried to figure out how to let him go. I just couldn't bring myself to get the doctor to remove his breathing tube. I felt completely paralyzed and unable to move. J finally convinced me it was time. I was acting selfishly and I knew it. I had to let Myles go. I had to end his pain and free him from this life. I had to say good-bye. I was worried and didn't want Myles to feel any pain. The NICU doc assured me that Myles would go peacefully and that he wouldn't fight it. I held Myles as the doctor removed his breathing tube. I watched as the life slowly left my son's body. I felt his warmth turn to cold. Although I knew Myles was gone, I still couldn't let go of his body. My miracle baby boy who I'd spent so long trying to reach was now gone. Once again I was paralyzed. I was lost. J was in complete shock. Our son had died in my arms and we were now parents of a different kind. We left the NICU with empty arms and shattered hearts.

Myles Lee Anderson (1/21/08 - 2/16/08)

Kangaroo Care with Daddy

On February 13, 2008 Tanya, one of our favorite nurses, told us that we could do kangaroo care with Myles. I was really hoping that Josh would take his turn holding Myles, but he was nervous and had told me not to pressure him. Fortunatly, Tanya was able to get away with a little pressuring and somehow she convinced J to do it. Although I was dying to hold Myles again, I was so thrilled to hear that Josh would be holding his little boy for the very first time! After some maneuvering Myles was snuggled against J's chest. I could not stop smiling at the two of them--my two favorite boys! Of course I was a mess of tears as I looked on with so much pride and admiration. I had waited for years to see my wonderful husband holding his child. When Josh was holding Myles he kept saying "Myles is full of smiles." I couldn't agree more. I just knew that Myles was smiling from within as he snuggled with his daddy!

Remembering Myles - 3 wks old

A year ago yesterday Myles turned 3 wks old. I took this photo of Myles on Valentine's Day last year. He was snoozing so peacefully. The little blue piece of fleece in the upper right hand corner of the photograph was a special piece of fabric--I wore it against my skin so it would smell like me. The nurses thought it would be comforting to Myles if he could smell my scent, so I would wear a different piece each day and we'd put the "fresh" one near Myles's head in the isollette. Myles slept on small pieces of soft blue fleece--mini "blankets" that one of the nurses and I made for him. I kept a few of them and sleep with one every night. It may sound silly, but it's comforting to me to have Myles's small "blanket" with me while I sleep. (Oh and in case you are wondering I do rotate the "blankets" and wash them regularly!) A close up of Myles sucking his thumb while he slept. You can see Myles's head lying on the little piece of fabric that I wore. I like to think that having my scent near him made him sleep better.

I love Myles just as much today as I did the day he was born. I miss him so much and think about him always. It really bothers me that so few people mention his name anymore. I think most are hesitant to speak of Myles in fear that I will have a breakdown at the mere mention of his name. Ironically it makes me more upset that I rarely hear his name spoken anymore. Just like any Mommy (and I am a Mommy) I am proud of my son. Just like any Mommy I love my son. Just like any Mommy I constantly think of my son. But unlike most Mommies I will never see my son again. I miss my son. I cry for my son. I long for my son. All I ask is that everyone remember and acknowledge I had a son and his name is Myles.

Kangaroo Care with Myles

This day a year ago is a day I will never forget--it was the day that I finally got to hold Myles for the very first time! It was also the first time I got to clean a poopy diaper (actually two!). While helping with Myles's cares Patty, one of Myles's primary nurses, suggested that I pump and then she'd help me do kangaroo care with Myles. Honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for anything in my entire life. At 6pm I put on the fluffy white robe and prepared to finally hold my baby! Just standing in the doorway to Myles's isollette watching the nurses get everything ready was overwhelming and the tears just started to flow. I sat down in the chair and Patty ever so gently placed Myles on my chest. It was simply amazing! Myles felt so warm and soft against the bare skin of my chest. Holding my baby against me felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Josh took pictures of Myles and me for the scrapbook and then sat in the chair next to us looking on with pride and admiration. Patty took a few photos too and then shut the doors to the room and left us alone with our Mr. Myles. Both J and I talked to Myles and told him how much we loved him. We told him how proud of him we were. We told him to keep up the fight and that we were cheering him on all the way! At one point J kissed Myles on the head and told him that he loved him--it was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen!

I was so overcome with emotion, yet was trying to savor every single second that Myles was in my arms. As I held Myles I reflected on my journey and was grateful for each step that led me to Myles. While holding Myles I wanted time to stand still. I begged the universe to let the hour go on indefinitely. In my journal I expressed sadness at the end of the 1.5 hours of kangaroo care and said that my sadness was tempered by what I felt in my heart would be many more days ahead when I could cuddle and love my precious little guy. Unfortunately, my heart couldn't forsee the future. Sadnly I only got to hold Myles one more time before the night I held him as he faded away in my arms.

Myles, Groundhog's Day & K

When I arrived to the NICU on this day a year ago to visit Myles I arrived to find a sign that said Happy Groundhog's Day! The significance of this day is that it was the first day that Myles finally got to "eat" my breast milk. I had been pumping every two hours and freezing it, so we had quite a bit stocked up for him. They were doing micro-feedings at 1/2cc every two hours to see how he responded. The day nurse, Shannon, could tell that the milk passed Myles's stomach, but that it would take awhile to pass through his intestines and into a diaper. I was so excited that I finally got to really do something for my little guy and coudn't wait to change his first poopy diaper!

The night nurse this day was our other favorite nurse, Tanya! She was so friendly and so supportive. Tanya loved taking care of Myles and indicated that she had requested to be one of his primary care nurses! We were so excited to know that he'd now have two nurses consistently caring for him. Myles was quite the popular and eventually had 4 primary care nurses!

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Being that I don't have my own symptoms to obsess about I've now started to ask K about hers. Apparently I can't handle the 2ww without having something to obsess over. K told me that her boobs are super sore today. She also told me that she had to go to the store to get OJ and she drank about a gallon today! K reminded me that this is what she craved and did while pregnant with both of her boys! I'm hoping these are some good signs!

Unfortunately today is one of those days when I'm feeling disappointed about the cycle and am convinced it didn't work. I'm sure most of you IFers know how that goes. I seem to have days like this in the 2ww of every cycle! I had several of them when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a day when I'm convinced it worked!

Implantation Day

All day today I've been envisioning my two little totsicles burrowing into K's inviting uterus. I'm hoping that they are getting nice and comfy for the long haul! K's been having a good feeling about things. For all those who asked K will be testing towards the end of the week and I'll be sure to let you know the results.

I went out with my girlfriends tonight for sushi and wine. It was a great time. When we got our bill we got fortune cookies and mine reads "A shooting star tonight will bring you good luck tomorrow." Of course I want to interpret this as a sign, but the logical side of me finds it hard to believe in signs. However, I did get a similar fortune while having lunch with a friend at the very beginning of the FET that resulted in Myles, so I'm having a hard time ignoring this!

Although things have been busy with the FET to Kealy, I'm still remembering each day we were blessed with Myles. I continue to read my journal and the CarePage posts and comments. I am still moved beyond words by the amazing love and support of our friends and family. My mom's bff had our CarePage made into a book for us and I love it. I can reread all the comments that people made. The love that flowed through their words could be felt by all three of us. It was amazing!

Myles--one week old

When I arrived bright and early the night nurses had put up a Happy One Week Birthday sign for Myles. As soon as I got there I sang Myles a little birthday song and read him "I Love You Stinky Face". J stayed back at the Ronald McDonald House to get a little extra sleep, so I had tons of alone time with my little boy. I just sat by his isollette and stared at him all morning.

Today was one of those days that all those with little ones in the NICU dread--the head scans for brain bleeds. J and I were on pins and needles all morning awaiting the news. Fortunately at noon Dr. J told us that all looks perfect--not even the smallest of bleeds was present. Another positive that occurred this day was that they were able to wean Myles down to just 1 blood pressure med (he had been on 4-5). This allowed us to breath a big sigh of relief for awhile. We were convinced that Myles was feeling the strength of all who are thinking of him, praying for him and cheering him on in his fight. I know we could feel all the love each and every day we logged on to his CarePage.

One of Myles's nurses gave him a "Rock Star" award today because he was having such a great day! We couldn't wait to tell Uncle J that his little nephew was already a rock start just like him!
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Tomrrow afternoon I'll post pics of K and I at the clinic, our embryos, and an update on how things went at the ET. Keep sending all those positive thoughts our way!

Myles--6 days old & Surrogacy Update

Not much to say about this day. Family and friends were still visiting, but all left today in the early afternoon. J and I spent a lot of time just hanging out with Myles and chatting with the nurses. I continued to pump every 2 hours and was getting only a few ounces each pumping. I was really bummed about this, but given that Myles hadn't even been given any breast milk yet I was building up quite a stock of it.

I would catch Myles sucking on his hand or fingers and thought it was so cute! He didn't let that darn breathing tube stop him from sucking away. Here's a picture that I took showing how he'd suck on his hand. Myles looks so precious and peaceful sucking his thumb while sleeping as his friends watched over him.

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BTW ... I appreciate all of you blogreaders following along and remembering Myles life with me. Your visits and comments mean a lot to me. Many hugs to all you wonderful people! Also, you may have noticed that I changed the days on my posts. I had them mixed up for some reason.

On the surrogacy front ... K's taking the PIO like a true rock star! She says they don't hurt, so either she's got buns of steel or her dh has the best technique around! On a funny note the first night K's dh did the shot he made a reference to how he used to have to give shots to pigs, so it should be pretty similar. K reminded him rather quickly that she's his wife not a pig! Hilarious!

In about 36 hours Dr. S will be placing our two snow babies into K's warm, fluffy, inviting uterus! It seems so surreal that the day is so close! I'm hopeful, yet scared out of my mind. It's hard to find hope in the wake of so much devastation and heartache. After awhile you start to expect only bad things to happen to you, but I think it's about time that something good come our way again!

Myles--5 days old

Several new family came to meet Mr. Myles on this day a year ago. My Aunt M and her whole family came. My bff J came to visit again and brought us some home cooked food. My other close friends A & K brought ginger cookies for us (these are J's fave) and they brought a separate container of the cookies for the wonderful NICU nurses. A & K brought two books for Myles: "I Love You Stinky Face" and "Where the Wild Things Are". These books will forever be special to me. I immediately started reading them to Myles and read them to him several times throughout the day. J loves to call me and our cats, Elvis & Asha, stinkies, so "I Love You Stinky Face" was a perfect book for Mr. Myles. Myles was our precious little stinky face ... we would have loved him even if he was a "super smelly skunk" or "a big hairy ape" or "a bug eating green alien" or even a "terrible meat-eating dinosaur". Our love for our little stinky face is unconditional, constant, and forever!

It was this day a year ago that we met one of the most amazing nurses, Patti. She was amazing with Myles and would quietly talk sweetly to him as she did his cares. Patti was the resident positioning expert in the NICU and did such a great job of getting Myles all snug as a bug (see pic below). Patti taught me how to calm Myles by gently bringing his little arms and legs close to his body. I would ever so carefully hold my hand over him and he would immediately relax. Patti made us feel much more comfortable touching and helping with Myles's cares. We love Patti and are still in contact with her today. I really think that Patti was Myles's favorite nurse too!

As you can see in the above photo we added a few more friends to Myles's isollette to keep him company. This day was another good, uneventful day for Mr. Myles.

Myles--4 days old

There wasn't much that happened on Myles's 5th day of life, but lack of activity in the NICU is a good thing. All of our immediate family, my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, J's brother, J's mom, J's dad and his wife, came to stay for the weekend. They all took turns talking to and cheering on Myles through the isollette portholes! Here's a great photo that Uncle Jeremy A. took of J's mom and dad admiring Mr. Myles:

Everyone repeatedly told us that Myles was cute and looked just like Josh. I couldn't agree more--Myles was a beautiful, little baby who had his daddy's nose and mouth.

Myles--3 days old

I have been reading my journal that I started the day I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. It's quite difficult to read the daily updates about Myles, but I want to remember each and every detail of his 26 days of life. Over the next 22 days I plan to do daily blog posts that chronicle Myles's life.

A year ago today Myles was only 4 days old and one of the neonatologists sat us down and told us that we should expect the worst. He told us to call and make arrangements with a local funeral home. The NICU doc said that his 20+ years of experience and a gut feeling told him that Myles wouldn't make it. Of course we were absolutely devastated, but we refused to give up on Myles. We spent the whole day with Myles telling him how much we loved him, how proud of him we were, we encouraged him to keep up the fight, but also told him that we understood if it was too much to continue. We held his little hands and feet and admired him all day.


Many of our friends and family came to meet Myles on his 4th day of age. My bff's, L & J, my parents, J's mom, and my brother, had all met Myles on his birthday, but a few others came to meet him for the very 1st time. Everyone who met Myles thought he was absolutely perfect and they all cheered him on! Auntie D and Uncle J brought Myles a little stuffed lion named Growwl. It was so cute and so fitting. A lion is a symbol of courage, so we put it in Myles's isollette to watch over him, to give him some company, and to help him continue to find the courage to keep up his heroic fight!