Kangaroo Care with Myles

This day a year ago is a day I will never forget--it was the day that I finally got to hold Myles for the very first time! It was also the first time I got to clean a poopy diaper (actually two!). While helping with Myles's cares Patty, one of Myles's primary nurses, suggested that I pump and then she'd help me do kangaroo care with Myles. Honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for anything in my entire life. At 6pm I put on the fluffy white robe and prepared to finally hold my baby! Just standing in the doorway to Myles's isollette watching the nurses get everything ready was overwhelming and the tears just started to flow. I sat down in the chair and Patty ever so gently placed Myles on my chest. It was simply amazing! Myles felt so warm and soft against the bare skin of my chest. Holding my baby against me felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Josh took pictures of Myles and me for the scrapbook and then sat in the chair next to us looking on with pride and admiration. Patty took a few photos too and then shut the doors to the room and left us alone with our Mr. Myles. Both J and I talked to Myles and told him how much we loved him. We told him how proud of him we were. We told him to keep up the fight and that we were cheering him on all the way! At one point J kissed Myles on the head and told him that he loved him--it was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen!

I was so overcome with emotion, yet was trying to savor every single second that Myles was in my arms. As I held Myles I reflected on my journey and was grateful for each step that led me to Myles. While holding Myles I wanted time to stand still. I begged the universe to let the hour go on indefinitely. In my journal I expressed sadness at the end of the 1.5 hours of kangaroo care and said that my sadness was tempered by what I felt in my heart would be many more days ahead when I could cuddle and love my precious little guy. Unfortunately, my heart couldn't forsee the future. Sadnly I only got to hold Myles one more time before the night I held him as he faded away in my arms.