Is this real?

I keep asking myself that question repeatedly. It seems so surreal to me that we are expecting a baby. I don't miss the physical worries that accompany pregnancy for a recurrent miscarrier like me. I sleep better knowing that my baby is in a healthy, nurturing environment and don't have to stress about when preeclampsia is going to strike. I feel so lucky. However, it doesn't feel real. I think seeing the baby on ultrasound made it seem more real, but I'm not quite able to fully let myself feel this. Of course I'm still guarding myself. I'm hoping that with each passing day I will take down small pieces of this wall, so I can truly enjoy this beautiful journey!

I want to thank all of you for being so excited for us! You are a wonderful group of people and we're so fortunate to have you all cheering us on. Having all of you standing by my side means the world to me. This is going to be an amazing ride, so hold on to your seats!

I have some photos that I wanted to share from our 1st ultrasound:

I know how a pregnancy announcement can sting for those of you who are still in the trenches. IF is a horrible battle and after 4 years in and out of the trenches, I’ve experienced that pain. I know that you are happy for me and I appreciate that, but I also know that someone else's pregnancy is a tough reminder of what you don't have. I get that and I empathize with those of you who are going through that. As most of you know this journey has been a long, rough one for me just as it’s been for many of you. Sure I’m one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant, but I’m also one of the unfortunate ones who repeatedly miscarries. I’m also the rarity who got a very severe case of preeclampsia super early and had to deliver my son way too soon. I’m also the unlucky one who’s son wasn’t among the 85% who survive when born at 26wks gestation. So, I know the pain and sadness that IF brings. I refuse to forget the journey I’ve been on and will always be here to support my friends in the trenches.

Using a gestational carrier was initially a consolation for me. I didn’t enter into it lightly, but I definitely gave up a huge part of my dream. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to carry another baby or that I didn’t dream about feeling him/her kicking around inside me. However, I came to a point in my journey where I knew I wasn’t able to have it all. I decided that putting my baby in a safer environment was more important than my desires. Mommies make sacrifices for their children every day and that’s what I did for mine. This baby is already loved and will enter the world under different conditions than I imagined, but this baby will enter this world from wonderful K's uterus into our loving arms in such an amazing, special way!