Easter Weekend 2011

Yesterday we had a fun-filled day shopping, dining, and playing. We took the boys to the play area of the local mall and they had a blast.



Last year the boys were too young to really participate in the holiday, but this year they really got into it. They found Easter eggs that were "hidden" in the yard and located their Easter baskets in the house. We had a beautiful sunny day and had a ton of fun playing with the boys outside. Here's a few photos of our fun-filled day...






After a long day of playing outside the boys still had energy to play with their mommy. Silas kept saying "cookie" (he says it as plain as day) and I couldn't help but think he was asking for just one more cookie:

Liam played hide and seek with me (one of his favorite games next to "chase Liam") and kept hiding behind the door. This is photo shows Liam's sheer joy when I "found him":

Sunday Funday

Yesterday (and today) the weather was in the mid-40's, which feels like a heatwave in WI when we just had -30 last week, so we took the boys out for a ride in the wagon. Both Liam & Silas seemed to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine.


After our walk around the subdivision I made homemade finger paint (flour, water, and food coloring) for the boys to use to make Valentine's for the Auntie K, the nanny, and their grandmas. Silas seemed to enjoy eating it, but did manage to make beautiful masterpieces. Liam was more meticulous with his painting and also created a couple of amazing pieces of art.


Happy Valentine's Day!

Our First Thanksgiving as a Family

Thankful

We have so much to be thankful for this year. I do not take for granted how lucky we are for our two special gifts and say quiet thanks to K so many times throughout the day. Thinking of all of you and wishing you a safe and happy holiday.

Happy Halloween!

Silas the sea otter and Liam the ring-tailed lemur

Giving Thanks

I have so much to be thankful for this year:

1. The 26 days that I was able to spend with my sweet Myles
2. Beautiful K, her rock star uterus, and her amazing, supportive family
3. Liam and Silas--two healthy, growing baby boys
4. My "rock" and the man who makes me laugh--my husband, J
5. My loving family and friends (this includes my blogosphere friends)
6. My cuddly furbabies--Asha and Elvis
7. My good health
8. My family and friends' good health
9. Knowing that my babies are thriving in a safe place
10. Beautiful K's amazing love and generosity (yep, I just can't say it enough)
11. Two of the best legal gurus around (thank you H & M)
12. Having an enjoyable career
13. Being financially stable and knowing how to properly manage money
14. Having been able to experience pregnancy (even if it was only for 25+4wks)
15. Living in a nice, warm home in a safe neighborhood
16. The kindness and generosity of strangers
17. IVF and the genetic technologies that made my children possible
18. Dr. S (my RE who gave me Myles, Liam, and Silas)
19. Dr. D (K's ob who is taking such great care of her!)
20. Monthly ultrasounds (aka, my monthly sneak peaks at the boys)
21. Great food, great wine, and great conversation
22. Access to clean water and clean air
23. Being able to walk through my neighborhood and feel safe
24. Strong coffee and dark chocolate
25. Sunshine, sunsets, and rainbows
26. Comedies and love stories
27. Great music of all kinds
28. Cute fashion accessories (scarves, handbags, jewelry...)
29. All shades of pink and purple
30. Wonderful, beautiful, amazing, awe-inspiring K

I am a Mommy

I am Myles's Mommy. He may not be here today, but he was here 15 months ago. I love my son today just as much as the day he was born. Myles may not seem real to many, but he was very real to me. Myles had 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He had my big eyes and his Daddy's round nose. Myles was a preemie, but that doesn't make him any less our baby. Preemies are just tiny babies born too soon. I gave birth to Myles. I have the scar to show for it. I nourished Myles with my breast milk. I changed his diapers and comforted him when he was upset. I would've died to save my son, but despite my best efforts I just couldn't save him. I love Myles and my heart aches for him.

Today I may not get recognition as a mother and I may not be celebrated by my child, but I know I am Myles's Mommy and I know in my heart he loves me. Today I will remember the days I spent with Myles and I will remember how it felt to touch his soft skin and hold his tiny, warm body next to mine. Today I will quietly celebrate my motherhood in solitude.

Babyloss Mammas Are Survivors

"My Mom is a Survivor"
By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
(Dedicated to mothers who have lost a child
and have somehow survived.)

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her... or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

I'm thinking of all of you who've loved and lost your babies. This weekend will be tough for all of us, but know that we are strong. We walk through life with a broken heart with only a memory of our babies to keep us going. We love our babies just as much as our friends and family who are fortunate to have their children with them here on Earth. Despite the "great sadness" that surrounds us we manage to forge ahead. It's not easy most days, yet we dig deep and find the smallest shred of inner strength to keep on going. We are survivors!

For me my memories of Myles keep me going. I remember what an amazing little "soldier" he was and what a courageous battle he waged. I remind myself that I promised Myles that I would emulate his strength and that I would continue my fight. I fought for Myles and am grateful for all that I went through to have him. I know in my heart that my continued fight and all the pain that comes with it is not in vain. I am determined to beat infertility once again and despite all the devastation we've faced I'm still optimistic (yep, that's me the eternal optimist) that one day with K's help I will win this war. I am a survivor and I will triumph!

Special Delivery X 2

No, not that extra special kind of delivery that we all dream of, but the package that arrived is getting us one step closer to that! The Fed.Ex guy delivered my meds today at work and you would not believe the ridiculously large boxes the meds came in! I had a student go to the office to get the packages and of course my nosey students wanted to know what was in the boxes. I told them it was lab supplies because I didn't want to get into it. My students do know that I have infertility issues and that Myles was an IVF baby, but I don't intend to tell them that I'm cycling in June. I will have to miss a couple of my 1st period classes for monitoring, but I'll just tell them that I was at the doctor. I'm lucky that I have prep 2nd period and I supervise a study hall 3rd period because I'll miss those too on the days when I travel to my clinic for monitoring. The clinic is about a 65 minute drive one-way when the traffic is good and because of my all-inclusive shared-risk plan I have to have the monitoring done at the clinic.

This cycle I'm starting off with 150U of Meno.pur in the AM and 300U of Bra.velle in the PM. In IVF #1 I did 15oU of Meno.pur in the AM and 150U of Bra.velle in the PM, so I guess my RE is acting more aggressively with this cycle. He's hoping to stim me 10 days this time instead of 13 days like last time. Other than this change the protocol is the same.


The other special delivery came on Monday night. Remember I mentioned ordering matching t-shirts for K and I to wear at the next ET. Well they arrived and they are super cute! I took a photo, but don't want to post it until I give K her t-shirt on Saturday night. We are going to look so darn cute when we go for the ET!

I'm still dreading Sunday, but J informed me that we are going to get drunk and skip work on Monday. I thought he was kidding, but he took the day off on Monday. So, I'm taking it off also. I'm sure it will be necessary as I'll have an emotional hangover from the anticipated crying I will do on Sunday. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow and she understands that I just need to stay in the house and not face the world that day. The only place I will go is to visit Myles's grave. Other than that I'll be in my house, so I don't have to see little kids, babies, and/or pregnant women. What will you be doing on Mother's Day to make it through the day?

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. & Mr. Myles

Last year Martin Luther King Day was on January 21. This is the day that Myles was born. Now this holiday will forever remind me of Myles. I remember thinking that there was symbolism in Myles's birth falling on this special day. Myles like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr was strong and he similarly perservered despite all that was up against him. This is where I had hoped the similarities would end. However, as all of you know just like Martin Luther King, Jr. Myles left this Earth far too soon leaving his family heartbroken and lost. Myles's departure was similarly sudden and was an asassination of sorts. The culprits of this crime were preeclampsia, prematurity, and pneumonia. Although Myles and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. are gone, their lives and their fights will continue to inspire and encourage others.

New Year's Eve Dinner Party

Tonight I'm hosting a dinner party for 6 friends (was supposed to be 9, but 3 cancelled). I LOVE hosting parties, so I'm excited. Cooking is one of my favorite hobbies, but baking is another story! I absolutely hate to bake--one of the many things that Rachel Ray and I have in common! ;) Right now I'm prepping things and wanted to take a quick break to check on my blogworld friends! What are you doing for NY Eve?

Here's my menu for tonight:

Appetizers:
-Bacon wrapped water chestnuts
-Cranberry turkey pinwheels
-Shrimp cocktail
-Olive tapendade with cracked pepper crackers
-Roasted red pepper spread on crostini

Salad: Mixed greens tossed with orange segments, parmeson cheese & an amazing orange vinaigrette served with crusty breads and herbed olive oil for dipping

Main Course:
-Grilled filet mignon
-Roasted garlic parmeson twice baked potatoes
-Almondine carrots

Dessert: Lemon berry trifle and coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream

Drinks: X-rated martinis made with ruby red grapefruit juice (these are my fave!), tons of wine, and of course a variety of way too expensive beer to please J

I'm sure I'm making WAY too much food, but that's pretty typical for me. I'd rather have tons of leftovers that not have enough food. I'll try to take some photos later and post them. So, what do you think of my menu?

(Tomorrow I will post my farewell to 2008 and the ringing in of 2009 ... I have so much to say!)