Walking Through Flames

I am at a loss for what to say. I am moved beyond words by your kindness, compassion, sadness, mourning and willingness to be mad at the universe with us. We will ever so slowly pick up the pieces as we always manage to do. K is strong and I know she will weather the storm and will come out fine on the other side, but my heart still hurts for her and for us. I know K wanted to do this for us to help us realize our dreams and I know she was aware of the risks, yet I can't get over how unfair it is that she has to go through this. Someone who gives such a gift shouldn't have to suffer. We have been openly communicating and are doing are best to try to support each other through this. As K reminded me this morning "we're in this together". That tiny little phrase warmed my heart and took away some of the guilt I feel for putting K through this. I was reminded that we are a team and that although it's not going to be easy for any of us, we will perservere!

I am saddened that the universe teased me and dangled my dream in front of me only to coldly rip it from me again. You'd think I'd be used to the disappointment and sadness of a miscarriage being that this is the 5th one I've lived through, but I can't seem to grow accustomed to it. Despite my best efforts to guard myself and prepare myself for bad news I'm left shocked and devastated. As most of you know this little embryo had an extra special place in my heart as he/she was conceived with Myles and frozen with him. This little embryo was my last living connection to Myles and now it's gone and my heart aches. With every miscarriage after Myles my heart aches more for him. The losses take me to the dark place inside of me where I am certain that I will never have another child and that Myles was my one shot at motherhood and I f*cked it up. (Please don't lecture me on my guilt over Myles's death. I'm logical and know I couldn't do anything, but it doesn't make the hurt and guilt in my heart any less sharp.)

I looked to surrogacy as my hope for the future and I never expected that this would happen. After having a day to reflect and think, I'm still convinced that surrogacy is the path for us to baby #2 (or #3). A friend asked me last night why I don't consider adoption. At this point I don't care to get into all the details of why adoption isn't the appropriate path for us at this time, but suffice it to say that it just doesn't feel right to me. I felt strongly when pursuing IVF that it would lead me to a baby and it led me to Myles. Yes, I had to go through hell and back to get there, but I was blessed with my wonderful, amazing little Mr. Myles. I would do it all over again and go through more just to have him for a minute of time.

Others have asked questions that leave me thinking they wonder how and why I put myself through this repeated heartache? I realize that it's difficult for some people, especially those who have easily conceived their children, to understand how someone would continue to go through such pain and devastation. It seems sadistic. But I ask anyone who's a parent to ask yourself this question ... Would you walk through fire for your child? I'm certain you all would. I am doing just that. I just walk a little longer and through a little hotter flames. I may stumble through the flames, but I manage to get up again and continue to walk. I walk through these flames for the child I know in my heart awaits me in the future. I feel it in my heart that surrogacy is the path that will lead me to another child, so when, and if, K is ready we will try again.