Kangaroo Care with Myles

This day a year ago is a day I will never forget--it was the day that I finally got to hold Myles for the very first time! It was also the first time I got to clean a poopy diaper (actually two!). While helping with Myles's cares Patty, one of Myles's primary nurses, suggested that I pump and then she'd help me do kangaroo care with Myles. Honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for anything in my entire life. At 6pm I put on the fluffy white robe and prepared to finally hold my baby! Just standing in the doorway to Myles's isollette watching the nurses get everything ready was overwhelming and the tears just started to flow. I sat down in the chair and Patty ever so gently placed Myles on my chest. It was simply amazing! Myles felt so warm and soft against the bare skin of my chest. Holding my baby against me felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Josh took pictures of Myles and me for the scrapbook and then sat in the chair next to us looking on with pride and admiration. Patty took a few photos too and then shut the doors to the room and left us alone with our Mr. Myles. Both J and I talked to Myles and told him how much we loved him. We told him how proud of him we were. We told him to keep up the fight and that we were cheering him on all the way! At one point J kissed Myles on the head and told him that he loved him--it was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen!

I was so overcome with emotion, yet was trying to savor every single second that Myles was in my arms. As I held Myles I reflected on my journey and was grateful for each step that led me to Myles. While holding Myles I wanted time to stand still. I begged the universe to let the hour go on indefinitely. In my journal I expressed sadness at the end of the 1.5 hours of kangaroo care and said that my sadness was tempered by what I felt in my heart would be many more days ahead when I could cuddle and love my precious little guy. Unfortunately, my heart couldn't forsee the future. Sadnly I only got to hold Myles one more time before the night I held him as he faded away in my arms.

Beta #1: 11dp5dt

K just called and said the beta was 57. I know that this is within the normal range, but I can't help but worry given my history of miscarriage. K's been testing + since 5dp5dt and only has a beta of 57 today?! The analytical side of me thinks that this can't be good. It seems that we should've had a higher number today with all the + so early. This leads me to speculate that maybe we're catching the beta falling rather than rising. :( I know we could've had both implant earlier and now only one. The good news is that K hasn't had any spotting or bleeding. I just really needed a strong beta that wouldn't leave me questioning, wondering, and worrying. I really hope that we're not having another miscarriage. The last thing I need is the guilt of knowing that I've brought someone into our dark place of despair. We have another beta on Wednesday, so that will give us a better picture of what's going on.

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Okay, I'm trying to breathe deep! I just talked to my favorite nurse at my RE's clinic and she said that this is a completly acceptable number for a FET at this point. She reminded me that FETs tend to have lower, slower betas. When I said "yes, but what about the + 6 days ago? ... the number should be higher." She reminded me that many hpt's have been found to detect significantly lower than advertised pregnancy hormone levels. So, we just wait and hope for a doubling number on Wednesday. Thanks for all your kind thoughts, encouraging stories, prayers, and well wishes! K is doing an amazing job, so please keep cheering her on too!

K's Pee Party

Yesterday J and I went to K's house. I took the above picture while we were visiting to show the blogworld the results of K's pee party. The tests from Friday and yesterday are definitely darker than the earlier ones!

We brought K two more hpts--CBU digital! I love to see the word "Pregnant" and wanted the pics for my scrapbook. K took the test right after we left and "Pregnant" immediately popped up on the test's screen. She photographed it, but the photos are a bit blurry. Nonetheless I could still see the word "Pregnant" and it made me smile huge! We also took the following photos. K and I were holding the pee sticks from 8dp5dt and 9dp5dt.

J is being silly (as usual), but I still thought it was a cute photo. We are so excited and can't wait for the results of beta tomorrow!

K's bum says NO & Digital Test says "+Yes"

I'm still thinking of K's poor bum and wishing the soreness away. The 2x/day PIO must be killers! I never had to do more than one per day. I'm a little worried about what K's bum is going to look like after 5 more weeks of this if it already looks like this! Seriously, K you are one super duper trooper to go through this!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I appreciate the congrats, well wishes, prayers and all the wonderful comments you are sending our way! It means so much for all of you to be so genuinely excited for us!

I didn't want you worrying, so I thought I'd let you know that the digital test confirms what the other tests have been telling us ... "+yes" we are PREGNANT! I am still excited and somewhat in a state of disbelief. I'm nervous and worried about the beta on Monday. I keep telling myself that K has a rock star uterus, so my little ones are probably nestled in for the long haul. I have to remind myself that my early miscarriages probably had to do with my f'd up uterus. Please keep sending sticky dust our way!

6dp5dt - SDFL

SDFL = Slightly Darker Faint Line

K is so wonderful and took this picture for me this morning! She understands my obsession and my need to scrapbook everything! As you can easily see the line is getting darker and I'm getting more and more excited! Last night while having dinner with our wonderful friend, "Deej", she said that pretty soon the acronym of the day is going to be HSIP = Holy $hit I'm Pregnant! J followed this with a comment about a potential acronym that scares him: HSIT = Holy $shit It's Twins! ;) We're just happy to get a bfp and are hoping, praying, and pleading with the universe to let this one (or two) stick!

Thanks for all the congrats! I have the best blog readers in the world! I'm hoping that as we progress through the week I'll have more photos of darker and darker hpts to post!

5dp5dt - VFP

Okay, blog readers. My wonderful, amazing GC, K, coined a new term for us--VFP! I think she gets a kick out of all of the acronyms we IFers use. So, what does VFP mean? Very Faint Positive! Yep, you got that right K did a hpt this morning at 5dp5dt and got a bfp!!! She said that she peed on it, set it down, put in the progesterone suppository, and looked at a double line! K said is was light, but definitely there. I wouldn't expect a super dark 2nd line at 5dp5dt and am hoping that it darkens each day this week! K wasn't going to test until 7dp5dt, but had the urge based on her symptoms. Plus, K admittedly isn't a patient person! ;) K will test again tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that she'll get a + dark enough to be easily seen on a photograph of the test, so I can post it for all of you to see! As you can imagine I'm over the moon excited while simultaneously being scared to death! Please blow sticky dust K's way and soothing thoughts to her sore bum from the 2x daily PIO!

Myles, Groundhog's Day & K

When I arrived to the NICU on this day a year ago to visit Myles I arrived to find a sign that said Happy Groundhog's Day! The significance of this day is that it was the first day that Myles finally got to "eat" my breast milk. I had been pumping every two hours and freezing it, so we had quite a bit stocked up for him. They were doing micro-feedings at 1/2cc every two hours to see how he responded. The day nurse, Shannon, could tell that the milk passed Myles's stomach, but that it would take awhile to pass through his intestines and into a diaper. I was so excited that I finally got to really do something for my little guy and coudn't wait to change his first poopy diaper!

The night nurse this day was our other favorite nurse, Tanya! She was so friendly and so supportive. Tanya loved taking care of Myles and indicated that she had requested to be one of his primary care nurses! We were so excited to know that he'd now have two nurses consistently caring for him. Myles was quite the popular and eventually had 4 primary care nurses!

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Being that I don't have my own symptoms to obsess about I've now started to ask K about hers. Apparently I can't handle the 2ww without having something to obsess over. K told me that her boobs are super sore today. She also told me that she had to go to the store to get OJ and she drank about a gallon today! K reminded me that this is what she craved and did while pregnant with both of her boys! I'm hoping these are some good signs!

Unfortunately today is one of those days when I'm feeling disappointed about the cycle and am convinced it didn't work. I'm sure most of you IFers know how that goes. I seem to have days like this in the 2ww of every cycle! I had several of them when I got pregnant with Myles. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a day when I'm convinced it worked!