Therapy & Courageous Conversations

Today I had my first appointment with a new therapist and have to say that I really, really liked her! She scheduled 1.5 hours with me, but I ended up being there for 2 hours. I had much to talk about with 4+ years of IF, multiple miscarriages, IVF, life-threatening HELLP, Myles's premature birth, Myles's death, surrogacy, and miscarriage with a surrogate. I'm sure it was a lot for her to take in. Towards the end of our discussion she asked me if I've always felt responsibility and guilt for things that happen to me and/or those around me? Apparently this was a reoccurring theme in my story. I thought about it for a moment and realized that I do assume responsibility for many things, including those out of my control, and as a result I drive myself crazy with guilt. I feel responsible for putting J through this nightmare. I feel responsible for Myles's early birth and death. I feel responsible for "wasting" four snowbabies on my uterus because of my selfish desire to carry another baby. I feel responsible for ruining K's formally blissful experience with pregnancy. I feel responsible for putting K and her family through all that they've been through. I feel responsible for asking too much of my friends and family. And I feel guilty and sad for my part in all of these things. My therapist told me that this is something she wants me to work on over the next 2 weeks. She says it's way too much to place all of that on myself. She says that I have to acknowledge that I didn't have control over most of these things and that I need to attempt to let them go. Umm, I can identify and acknowledge, but am not quite sure how I'm supposed to let go of this?

Today I spent the afternoon at a workshop called "Beyond Diversity", which focused on deinstitutionalizing racism and eliminating racial achievement disparities in public eduction. The workshop is based on the book entitled Courageous Conversations and was quite enlightening and has opened my eyes to institutional racism that exists in our schools. The speaker was dynamic and shared several quotes that resonated with me. Although I did think of these quotes in the context of racial disparities and bridging the gap to provide all students an equal opportunity to learn, I couldn't help but think of these quotes in relation to my own personal struggles.

"We will never be able to fix what we can't face." --Author unknown

This quote reminded me of my struggle with guilt and assuming responsibility for all the bad things that have happened. I think that by acknowledging the issue is the first step toward me being able to "fix" this line of thinking (or so I hope).

"We see things not as they are but as we are." --Douglass Fitch

This quote reminded me of the ups and downs of infertility and how that affects my line of thinking in regards to my future. If I am feeling down, then thoughts of my future are centered around hopelessness and despair. I feel certain that another child isn't a part of my future. If I'm feeling "good", then my thoughts of our future are hopeful. I tend to feel strongly that we will have another child. All too often I'm a "feeler" and this overrides or masks the "thinker" in me. J is a thinker and he rarely has this problem, but how I see things is largely affected by how I am feeling emotionally.

"We prepare ourselves to respond, but not to listen." --Franklin Covey

This quote made me think of those people who pretend to listen to what I'm saying, but in reality are actually just waiting for an opportunity to tell me what they think (or more so what I should do). I think we all do this to some extent. When I'm having a heated discussion with J I often miss most of what he's saying because rather than intently listening to what he's saying I'm actually going over in my mind what I'm going to say to him. I think this is a natural tendency, yet I realize that it is incredibly ineffective communication. This is just a reminder to me that I need to focus on being a better listener and hope that others will do the same.