Sick little kitty

My little tabby cat, Asha, is very sick and in the hospital. She's been battling chronic renal failure (CRF) since her diagnosis in early April '08, but has been doing exceptionally well with sub-q fluid treatments, herbal supplements, and steroids. The last few days I noticed her behaviors were different as were her eating habits and the big clue was the ammonia smell to her breath, which is a tell-tale sign that her creatinine levels are elevated. I took her to the vet today and as I suspected her kidney levels (BUN and creatinine) were off the charts, so the vet recommended admitting her to the hospital for IV fluids to flush her system. The vet informed me that if her kidney levels improve even slightly that is a sign that we'll get them back to a manageable level, but if they don't improve this means that she's in end-stage renal failure. I can't bare to think about the latter.
Asha is particularly fond of me. I like to think it's because I rescued her from homelessness. Asha wandered into my life in '99 when I was going to grad school at UGA. One night while I was taking the trash out I saw a tiny tabby cat hanging around the garbage can and being the cat lover I am I called her over. She immediately came to me and rubbed up against my legs while purring louder than you'd expect such a little cat to be able to do. It was instant love and at that moment she became my little princess and ten years later Asha still has ahold of my heart.

I am one of those people who consider my pets to be members of our family. Both of my cats give us unconditional love and we give them love in return. I don't want this to sound strange or to give you the impression that I think my cats can replace a child because I don't, but they do give us a live, being to care for and nurture. After Myles's died Asha was there to console me. She would sit on my lap constantly during the long days and nights that followed. Whenenver I needed someone she was there purring like a little motor. Every night she sits with me on the couch as I read, comment, and blog. So, as I sit here tonight typing this I can't help but notice how sad and lonely it is not having my little Asha here on my lap purring and rubbing her cute little face on my hand begging me to pet her.

Baseline Ultrasound

This morning I had my baseline ultrasound where they measured my antral follicle count (AFC), or resting follicles, and did a bunch of bloodwork. My clinic doesn't usually call with the results of the baseline bloodwork, so I don't have that information yet. However, I did call them to find out and should know tomorrow. My lining was 4.4mm and my AFC was 15, which is a good number for my age (32), but I expected it to be a bit higher. I know I shouldn't complain because Dr. Google tells me that 15-26 is "normal (good) antral count" for women under 35 and that I "should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation." Additionally Dr. Google tells me that with an antral follicle count of 15 I am a "very low risk for IVF cycle cancellation", yet I do have "some risk for ovarian overstimulation". One study of at fertility clinic in Chicago found that the highest pregnancy rates among women less than 35 years of age in the AFC of 15-26:

(http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm)

Of course I came home to immediately compare the baseline AFC for IVF #2 to IVF #1, but was disappointed to see that 2 years ago my clinic just noted that my ovaries were "quiet" and didn't count the resting follicles. I'm guessing it was fairly similar and I'm not going to worry about it. I start stims on Saturday and go for my 1st follicle tracking scan on 6/3. K started estrogen yesterday and goes for her lining check on 6/4. Things are really underway now ... strap on your belts and hold on for a good ride! :)

The kindness of IF strangers turned friends

I just want to say that I hope my previous post didn't offend anyone. My dear friend, S, gave me some enlightening perspective on why not everyone visits the cemetary as often as I do and it makes complete sense. As S reminded me I go to Myles's grave to grieve a loss that is still fresh and raw whereas many others go to a grave of their long lost loved ones once in awhile simpley to pay tribute. I feel terrible for being annoyed and for saying this becaue I think I may have given the impression that going once a year isn't enough or doesn't show true love or sadness over a loss. I didn't mean that and am grateful that S helped me understand. Please accept my apologies if I may have offended you.

I have been meaning to give a shout out to my dear IF blogger friend, Cortney, for an amazing and kind thing she did for me. Cortney noticed me mention the high out-of-pocket costs we incurr for Endo.metrin and offered to send me a bunch of extra that she had. Cortney isn't cycling at the moment, but has some embabies waiting for her in the freezer when she's ready. Since she's currently in limbo and her insurance covers the meds, she was happy to give it to someone who needed it. I was so touched and appreciative of her offer. I immediately messaged her to say that I (I mean K) would love the meds, so she packaged them up and sent them my way.

When I got home from work on Friday I saw a large box on my front steps, which I immediately opened to find the Endo.metrin and a number of other goodies! There was a long, heartfelt hand-written letter from Cortney explaining all of the other gifts in the package. She thoughtfully included a box of brownie mix for me to make for K after the ET, four frisbees to give to K's boys, a ceramic frog to put on Myles's grave (shown in previous post), and four boxes of Endo.metrin plus a few loose suppositories (this much would cost me over $1000). Cortney said that she wanted to "send a little hope and love" with her gift, so she included two heart-shaped stones that say "love" and "hope". I feel so fortunate to be so loved and am very full of hope for this cycle. Not too long ago Cortney donated some of her stimming meds to another girl who ended up getting a bfp, so we're hoping that the rest of her meds are just as lucky! I am so moved and amazed by Cortney's kindness. I met Cortney on a message board and now consider her to be my friend. Thank you for being so darn amazing Cortney. Please pop over to her blog to tell her just how wonderful she is!

Memorial Day

I know that Memorial Day is the official day that we celebrate and remember all the brave men and women who died serving our country, but for most it's also become a day when we remember and celebrate our loved ones who we've lost. The cemetaries are filled with beautiful, vibrant colored flowers (both fresh and fake) and the traffic in and out of the cemetary is constant. I go to the cemetary to visit Myles's grave almost daily and I usually sit at his grave with the peace and comfort of singing birds and wind chimes playing a tune in the blowing breeze. I occassionally see a visitor or two to a nearby grave, but for the most party I'm alone while I sit and remember. Today I am surrounded by people passing through the cemetary to pay tribute to their long lost relatives. I have to admit that I find myself slightly annoyed as I watch the constant flow of vehicles stream in and out. I'm irked because I wonder why people rely on a national holiday to remember their loved ones, but then I have to remind myself that people grieve and remember differently. Just because they don't go to the cemetary daily doesn't mean that they don't miss those they've lost and just because they aren't there doesn't mean they aren't remembering. I know that when I'm not there at Myles's grave I'm still loving, missing, and remembering my son. A huge thanks to all of my friends and family who are remembering Myles with us today and every day!

Here are some pictures of Myles's grave. I've added a few items since I took the first couple of photos, but you can see them individually pictured at the bottom.

The flower arrangement I made for Myles.

A hanging pot of flowers from Grandma Kristi & Grandpa Joe.
A space shuttle from my dear friends, M & J, and their late son, Charley.

A Brew Crew ball from special Auntie D and Uncle J.

A cute ceramic frog from my blogger friend, Cortney.

Your Thoughts?

I apologize for my absence in the blogosphere. I've been dealing with some drama on a message board that has made me quite upset. I won't get into the details here because that will just fuel the fire, but suffice it to say that stepping out on a limb to help protect the feelings of "friends" has made my life a soap opera over the last week! I've decided to try to ignore the drama as much as I can (short of the borderline insults one girl flung at my love for Myles) and continue on with my life, but there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. One of the girls who was creating the drama told me that my blog is "sad" and she said that I've chosen to focus on the negative that has resulted from his death. She went on to say that I chose to not have faith and hope in my future. I don't feel like this is an accurate description of me at all. Yes, I am sad and I am bitter about Myles's death, but overall I'm still hopeful about my future. Sometimes I wonder if I'm naively hopeful about my future. So, I wanted to ask all of you who regularly read my blog if you get the overall sense that I'm a pessimist and that I lack hope. Please be honest. I like to think that I'm brutally honest, but that I'm also someone with a natural inclination to be hopeful. What do you think?

Spring has finally sprung

Today I finally felt like it was safe to plant my flowers. We get frost pretty late in May here in WI, but it sounds like last night might have been the last frost of the spring. Today was an absolutely beautiful sunny day with temps in the mid to upper 60's, so literally the perfect day to garden. Here's a look at some of what I accomplished today ...

Lupron shot #1

K took her 1st lupron shot today, so it seems as though the cycle has officially started now! It's crazy that K is taking meds before me, but soon enough I'll be joining her. Next week I start Dexa.methasone, but what I'm anxious to start are my stims. May 30 can't get here soon enough!