What happened to my zen state?

Okay, so I was doing great using the baby gear research (thanks for all the great advice, btw!) in an attempt to refocus my energy from all the bad possibilities of pregnancy, but today for some unknown reason I'm a freakin' wreck worrying about the babies. I have no tangible reason (beyond my history) to be freaking out. K has a phenomenal uterus, is NOT having a spot of blood of any shade of the rainbow and is having tons of pregnancy symptoms including m/s and constant hunger. However, this does little to reassure me. I've been thinking of all the bad scenarios that could befall us: incompetant cervix, pre-term labor, PROM, and last but not least preeclampsia (my personal favorite). I started to let these thoughts creep in last night when I began to wonder if K should be seeing a peri in addition to the ob. It's not that I don't trust our ob--he was the doc who sent me to see a peri in my pregnancy. I'm just a worrier. I have been wondering if K should have cervical length measurements starting at 16wks (plan to discuss this with our ob at the next appointment). I've been worrying about the possibility of preemies in the NICU. I've been wondering and worrying about so much ...

The kicker of the worrying is that today I've convinced myself that one of the babies has died and that we'll discover it in two weeks when we go for the NT scan. The strange thing about it is that I don't worry that both have died (although that could be the case), but rather assume that we've lost one. I usually picture the one we lost as Baby B. I've spent the past hour asking Dr. Goog.le what the chances are of having a vanishing twin after seeing good growth and strong h/b. F*cked up, right?! I know I was told that the risk of losing the babies was less than 5% after seeing h/b and good growth, but I also don't put a lot of stock in statistics, particularly because of been on the wrong end of them too many times.

I've been analyzing my neurotic behavior and have concluded the following factors to be responsible ... First and most obvious is my history of loss. I'm like a magnet for death when it comes to pregnancy and babies--5 miscarriages and one dead baby. Why wouldn't I be worried about yet another loss?! Second, it's been about two weeks since we've had direct confirmation that the babies are alive and well. Last week K went in for an appointment with the maternity nurse counselor, but because she was only 9wks they didn't use the fetal doppler to listen to the babies hearts. Third, I just assume that us expecting two babies is just too good to be true. It doesn't seem that good things happen to us. Finally, I talked to a woman today who is interested in buying my Chic.co Cortina travel system, which I would replace with a better system for twins, and this makes me think that I am jinxing the pregnancy (totally illogical I know). I am hoping that I wake up tomorrow and feel less anxious, but something tells me I won't.

Please stop by Lisa's blog to congratulate her on her great news--she's also expecting twins! :) You know I'm over the moon excited for you girl! Congrats!

Baby gear distraction (Advice Needed!)

Thanks to all who've asked how we've been doing. You are all so wonderful and kind! The babies are doing well (we assume), but are being a bit rough on sweet K. She's been dealing with morning sickness (yep she's knelt before the porcelain throne a few times), sensitivity to smells, food aversions, and a ravenous appetite! Although I wish K wasn't going through this, I have to admit that it gives me some reassurance that the babies are growing and thriving!

I've been okay. I'm worried that something bad will happen, but I'm trying not to play into those fears. I'm remaining optimistic that this will end with two healthy babies! So, instead of obsessing over fears I've begun to obsess over baby gear! I know it seems crazy that the girl who used to worry about jinxing myself went to BRU and USA Baby this weekend. Believe it or not I've found that throwing myself into baby gear consumer research to be a great distraction! I pulled out the Baby Bargains book and took it to the local bookstore to compare it to the 8th edition, which just came out, but it doesn't seem to have much new information (there haven't been car seat crash tests since 2007). Therefore, I'm sticking with the 7th edition that I already have. I bought this book while researching the best baby gear to buy while I was pregnant with Myles and have it littered with comments and sticky note tabs. I remember taking this book with me and spending hours at BRU while J repeatedly told me he was bored. It was hard to look back through my notes and to think about those days. I really miss my sweet little Myles and wish he was here to use the baby gear I bought for him.

The two baby gear items that I'm currently obsessing over are car seats and strollers. I have the Chicco Cortina travel system, which includes a Keyfit 22 and two bases. I LOVE this car seat and bought it based on its outstanding Consumer Reports safety ratings and the reviews it got by Baby Bargains book. It was listed as their "Top Pick" and was given an A. The other plus of the Keyfit car seat is that it holds babies as small as 4lbs and is the only infant car seat that can hold such small babies. Clearly this is something to consider when expecting twins. I am undecided if I will keep the carseat and just get another one, but I'm certain I will sell the stroller. My dilemma over the car seat has to do with the stroller. I need to purchase a double stroller (of course this is all assuming everything continues to go well) and Chicco doesn't make one that accomodates two infant car seats.

I have been reading rave reviews by twin parents regarding the Double Snap n Go by Bab.y Trends for use with infant car seats, but Chicco isn't a car seat that is listed as being compatible. I have talked to a couple of twin moms who've used Chicco car seats with the double snap n go, so I know it's possible. However, I worry that it might not fit perfectly and would be unsafe. I do know that Chicco is a relatively new brand, so it may be that the maker of the snap n go just hasn't tested it with their product and if they did it would be listed?! Per the suggestion of a sales rep at USA Baby I think I'll order the double Snap n Go, which isn't carried in any store, to take to the store to try out with two Chicco car seats.

It sounds like many twin parents liked the double Snap n Go for use with the infant car seats (it's inexpensive to boot) and then moved on to another stroller. Many raved about small side by side umbrella strollers like the Macleran Twin Techno, Inglesina Twin Swift, or Jeep Wrangler Twin Sport All-Weather Umbrella (all rated Top Picks by Baby Bargains). I like the idea of having the side by side when the babies get a little bigger, so they can see the world together rather than having to try to look over someone's head! I would LOVE to hear from other twin moms/dads your thoughts on double strollers and infant carseats. Please, please, please give me your advice and/or opinions!

Edited to add: I know it's way too early for me to be thinking about baby gear for twins because we could lose one (or both for that matter). I am not naive to the risks/stats, but I like the distraction and promised myself to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. So, I'm doing just that ... I'm dreaming of what my life could be like next year with two babies!

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QUESTION @ Blog Design: Is anyone having a problem reading my blog? I had a comment from one reader that it appeared strange on her Blackberry (e.g., light colored text on a yellow background making it unreadable) and want to know if there are others experiencing the same thing. If so, I need to change it again!

No U/S today

Yesterday afternoon my RE, Dr. S, called me to personally congratulate us on the pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Myles he did the same thing and I thought it was so sweet! He asked me how K's feeling and what she thinks about carrying two babies. He went on to tell me that he's very pleased with the first u/s and that he's fine with not having another one for two weeks. So, we cancelled the u/s for today and won't go back until 7/23 for another look at the babies. I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get a look at them until after my trip, but now I think it will give me something to look forward to when I return!

Several people have asked me how I'm feeling and for the most part I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful. However, I have to be honest that last night fear crept in and I started the obsessive googling of topics ranging from normal embryonic heart rates at 6wks to pre-term labor with twins. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that, so I need to get a grip. When I return from Alaska I plan to talk with my therapist about strategies for coping with the fear and anxiety. Of course the easy solution is to not visit Dr. Google, but that doesn't always work for me when I'm in a moment of weakness. Being in Alaska will help over the next week until u/s #2 because I'll have limited access to the internet.

Emotional teeter-totter

As I stated in a previous post I am trying to enjoy each day that K is expecting our baby(ies). My cousin, H, posted this quote as a comment and I think it's wonderful:

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today if its strength."

I think that so many of us infertiles struggle with worrying on a daily basis (I know I do) and can use this reminder.

Now that I've said that I have to be honest with you--I am having somewhat of an emotional dilemma. I seem to be teetering between hope and fear. I am excited, hopeful, and optimistic (note the new pregnancy ticker). I dream, yet I still have those nagging fears that creep up. I think about how many other times we've been here and how we are still without a living child. It doesn't help that there are a few people IRL close to me who ever so kindly remind me of this fact (as if I've forgotten!). Yep, I have friends who "can't be excited for me yet" or don't really even congratulate us on the good news and they say it like they are reminding me that bad things can happen. I find this to be seriously annoying and hurtful because I know first-hand what kind of bad things can happen (5 miscarriages and a dead baby are my reality in case you forgot), yet I also know that good things can (and do) happen. So, I'm trying to balance this emotional teeter-totter. Clearly I can't rid my mind of my past experiences (or tell the nay-sayers to shut the hell up and let me enjoy the moment while it lasts), but I also know that I can believe that this time will be different! How do you balance the emotional teeter-totter?