Grief, Easter, and Too Much Baby Stuff

My dear friend, S, sent me an email today that touched me (thanks S!). I was having a horrible day (I'll get to that later in this post) and this email came at the right time. S recently read an article by Dawn Anna, a mother who lost a daughter in the Columbine tragedy 10 years ago, and was struck by the following quote:

"There is nothing wrong with being on your knees. There is nothing wrong with being down in the darkness. There is nothing wrong with staying there as long as you need to. I know one way to start crawling towards the light. The hole in your heart will never get smaller. Never. So there is only one way to make it feel smaller. Grow your heart bigger every day."

I appreciated this quote and was happy to hear another Mother who's lost a child say this. I feel that my friends and family don't understand that no matter how long its been it since Myles's death it's still horribly difficult to face each day without my child. That some days are dark and other days are darker. That the pain never goes away and that you'll always have a hole in your heart. Yet despite all the pain and sadness you can learn to live your life and use your grief to transform your life. I do not think that Ms. Anna is saying that we should appreciate our losses and be gracious for the lessons we've learned (I despise that mentality), but rather that it's a part of our lives and we have the choice to let the grief consume us or we can use the grief to enrich our lives.

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So, why is was my day horrible? Easter isn't a holiday that I'm particularly fond of or that is a big deal in our family. However, last year Easter became an extraordinarily difficult holiday for me. Myles died in February and the first holiday following his death was Easter. This year was equally difficult. J and I stayed home alone today. I couldn't bare the thought of watching the kids in our families today. Instead I spent the morning and afternoon in tears thinking about what should've been this year. Had Myles survived he likely would've been collecting Easter eggs like so many other children were doing this year. It makes me sad to think and wonder and wish.

To make matters worse I had an overload of all things pregnancy and baby the last two days. At my in-laws yesterday I heard way too many stories about how grandchild A did this and that and the other thing. I even got to hear "just wait someday you'll have to deal with that" and "your miracle baby will come". Yesterday my dear friend, J*, gave birth to baby #3 and this afternoon my dear friend, L*, called to tell me that she's expecting #2 in late September. I'm not upset with anyone for these things, but rather just feel like I was getting bombarded by baby stuff on a day when all I wanted to do was escape the baby stuff. I am seriously excited that the day is almost over! The next holiday that I have to survive is the queen of all horrible holidays--Mother's Day.

*J and L you know I love you both and that I am truly happy for you and your families. As I've told you both before it's hard to deal with births, babies, and pregnancy announcements. It's a reminder to me of what we've lost, what is difficult for us to achieve, and what seems to always be just out of our reach. Congrats and hugs to both of you!