Breaking the silence

My dear friend Lisa is feeling alone in her long, brutal infertility struggle. This makes me sad and angry. Lisa has a great support sytem in the blogosphere, but IRL no one knows of her struggles. I can't help but be upset and frustrated that Lisa has to suffer in silence without any support from those closest to her. It's not fair and it's one more reason why I despise infertility. No one else who's battling a disease or medical condition is made to feel that they have to suffer through it alone in silence, so why does Lisa feel that she has to do that? Obviously the answer is not an easy one to establish. The reasons are likely as complex as infertility itself, but it is my personal opinion that the underlying issue is the negative stigma that surrounds infertility. Infertility is one of those topics (just like baby loss) that makes people squirm in their seats and I'm not sure why?

Infertility is already full of shame, guilt and feelings of failure. Infertiles feel broken and defective. Because of our "defect" we feel alienated from our friends and family who are not defective. We, infertiles, are outsiders trying to navigate our way in a fertile world. It's not an easy path to travel publicly, so I can't imagine how difficult it must be to travel it silently.

All infertiles suffer alone to some extent as we are constantly inundated with reminders of our inability to have children from media and those around us. We have to endure the torture of baby showers. We have to listen to our friends discuss their "oops pregnancies." We have to hear our friends complain about their kids. We have to hear just how lucky we are that we get to sleep in or do this, that, and the other thing because we don't have children. All of this is said as we sit silently wishing, wanting, begging, praying and hoping that someday, maybe just maybe, we will be so lucky to have a baby of our own.

I imagine that infertiles like Lisa who suffer through infertility in silence are further alienated and alone. Infertility is consuming and literally takes over your life. For many of us having a baby becomes the one and only thing that you think about. Infertility literally becomes a large part of who we are and it reshapes our personalities.

Infertility is a complex disease like any other that for many can be successfully combatted with treatments. For some like Lisa and me it's a long-term battle that is exhausting physically, emotionally, and financially. Such difficult struggles with any disease are aided with love, support and encouragement, but this can only be provided when others know of your battle.

I have found that by going public with my infertility struggle I have received love, support, and encouragement, but I've also opened myself up to criticism, judgement, and an much unwanted advice. Early on in my journey I heard some of the worst so-called advice: "just relax and you'll get pregnant", "drink some of the water around here and you'll get pregnant", "if you adopt you'll get pregnant", "have you tried x, y and z?", and my all time favorite is "my husband just looks at me and I get pregnant" (seriously, how is that helpful?!). I remember how hurtful all of these things were to me, but fortunately I rarely hear those things anymore. This is not to say that I don't hear other hurtful things, such as "why don't you just adopt?", but it's much less often than in the early stages of my journey. When I went public with my infertility struggle I accepted (and still do) the risk of getting such unwanted advice, yet I still cringe when I hear it.

There is no one right way to deal with and battle infertility. Some people, like me, prefer to do it publicly and others, like Lisa, choose to do it silently. I just hope that it is Lisa's own personal choice to battle this ugly disease in silence, but I have a feeling that some of her decision has to do with society's negative perception of the infertile. Therefore, it is my hope that by publicizing my infertility battle I am helping others to understand the disease and by doing so help to dissolve the negative stigma that surrounds infertility. I hope that my very vocal, honest, and often uncomfortably raw discussion of my infertility struggle will help encourage others to break their silence and come out of the shadows into the light.