Birthday preparations of a different kind

Well tonight was my first emotional breakdown of the week. J and I went shopping at the local home improvement store to buy the supplies for the upstairs bathroom remodel. It was a nice distraction, but then I went to another store to get birthday balloons for Myles's grave. I stood in the store staring at all the balloons and was overwhelmed by the selection. None of them seemed appropriate or good enough. As I scanned the rows of balloons I came to a balloon with Elmo on it that said "Happy 1st Birthday" and it hit me ... Myles would've been turning 1 tomorrow had he survived. The tears started to well up and I quickly picked out a basic, non-kid birthday balloon, bought it, stood there for what felt like an eternity while the young girl to blew it up, and practically ran to the car after she handed it to me.

Once I got into the car I burst into tears. J didn't know what was going on and I told him how things should be different. How I should be planning Myles's first birthday party. I should be making super cute birthday invitations to send to the family and friends. I should be baking a cute Elmo cake. I should be anticipating the delight of watching my little guy smash his hands into his cake. I should be buying decorations for a party. I should be buying fun toys. But, I'm not. I'm planning for a birthday celebration for a child who's not present on this Earth. I bought balloons to hang at my son's grave. I made star-shaped ice lanterns that I will place around my son's headstone. I will light the votive candles I placed within the lanterns around dusk. J and I will get a specialty cupcake from a local bakery and will place one candle on it in memory of Myles. We will quietly sing happy birthday and know that when we blow out the candle our one wish will never come true.