Remembering

Last year at this time I was lying in a hospital bed at Mayo Clinic. Two days prior I was transferred via ambulance to this hospital because the local one where I had been for a couple of days didn't have a Level III NICU. The day I was transferred I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia when they discovered IUGR and reverse diastolic blood flow. You'd think I would've known that I would be delivering sooner than expected, but I didn't have a clue. When I left the local hospital my ob still said that he thought I'd make it to 28wks, so I went with that. When I was first placed on bed rest at home at 23wks I figured I'd be there bored out of my mind for the next 17wks. I had no idea that in three short weeks I would be delivering my baby and the hell that I would live in for the rest of my life.

As an avid scrap booker I am disappointed that I didn't take photos of the hospital room, the wonderful nurses who cared for me, me in the hospital, or anything! My excuse is that I expected to be there a lot longer and would have plenty of time to take photos for my pregnancy scrapbook. Now as I sit here getting ready to go scrap book with my girlfriends I think about how much is missing from my book. The last photos I have of me pregnant were taken on New Year's Eve and two that Josh took of my belly sometime during my home bed rest. In the photos of my on New Year's Eve I look puffy and swollen in the face and I wonder why I didn't notice it. No one else noticed it either. These were the signs that preeclampsia had already started to rear it's ugly head and given that Myles was the size of a 20-21wk baby it likely started right after my 20wk ultrasound.

Photos of me out on New Year's Eve:


My final pregnancy photos:


It's hard for me to think that a year ago I was blissfully ignorant. I was happily awaiting the arrival of the baby I'd spent so long trying to meet. I remember enjoying Myles's kicks and remember thinking how funny it was that he played "chase the baby with the monitor" games with the nurses. I remember the first day I felt Myles move--I was sitting on the couch eating dinner by myself as Josh was away at training for work. It was the most incredible feeling! A feeling that I envied in others for so many years. Every day after that day I felt Myles move and remember thinking how it was our little secret. A special secret that only Myles and I would ever know. I cherish those moments.

I can't believe that in 5 days it will have been a whole year since the traumatic morning when I was told that I had developed HELLP syndrome and that my kidneys and liver were shutting down. I was told that they had no choice but to deliver my baby at 26wks or I would die. My cherished, secret moments with Myles would no longer be.