Wow & K's Penthouse Uterus

Wow is really all I can think to say. When I told J that 78 people commented that they regularly read my blog his response was "wow, did you say 78?" Yep and that doesn't include my non-blogging friends who can't post comments without signing up for a Blogg.er account. I can literally feel the love and positive thoughts flowing our way and it makes me smile. I can not thank you enough for coming out of the shadows to say hello and for following my journey!

It warms my heart to hear that so many of you watched my tribute video to Myles and that it moved you in some small or big way. It is music to my ears to hear you whisper the soft syllables of my son's name and to hear you say that his fight was an inspiration to you. Although I wish that my words did not resonate with so many of you, I am happy that you are able to find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this struggle. You are all brave women (and men) who face each hurdle with as much grace and dignity as possible. Please don't ever forget that. For those of you who read, but do not know the pain of infertility or babyloss I must say thank you for trying to learn and understand. I wish more people were willing to look into the sad eyes and broken heart of an infertile and attempt to empathize with our daily struggles. For those of you who are following my blog because you are inspired and moved by K's generosity and strength I must tell you I'm right there with you. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't say praises for K and her wonderful, supportive family. K is an amazing, brave woman and a damn good teammate! I am grateful for whatever brought you hear and keeps you coming back. It's an incredible feeling to know that I have a such a strong, supportive army of people surrounding me as I continue to walk through the "flames" in pursuit of our dream.

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Um, no I don't mean the smutty kind of Pent.house when I'm talking about K's uterus (although it did look rather sexy on the ultrasound today), but rather the posh, highrise luxury apartment kind. I joked with K at the beginning of our journey that her uterus is like a penthouse and mine is more like a dilapidated shack. Well today K's uterus maintained its penthouse reputation and looked perfect on the SHG. My RE said that the D&C didn't seem to cause any problems for K's uterus and that we are all clear to go ahead with our cycle in June! We are over the moon and now anxiously await our calendar, which I was assured we'd have by the end of next week. :)

Come out, come out wherever you are

Thank you so much for your open and honest comments regarding my recent post. It was nice to hear how many of you try to make sense or tragedies or for the majority of us how we are unable to make sense of them. I'm currently reading The Sha.ck and plan to read The Pow.er of N.ow in the future and am hoping that both are able to bring me a bit of enlightenment. But for now I will just be as I am discontent with not understanding the bad things that happen to good people.

After reading the comments by some first time commenters (some who identified themselves as longtime readers) it got me wondering who else might be reading but not commenting. I know that several people IRL read my blog, but few of you comment. I would LOVE to hear from all of my readers, so please just post a hello comment to this thread. I'm not looking for profound words or anything, just a simple hello. If you don't blog, you can still comment using the "Anonymous" option. Also, I'd love to know how you found my blog and why you read it. I often wonder why people read my blog. I wonder is it because it's like a car accident that you can't stop staring at or is it because you are just rooting for me, "the underdog", to have a happy ending. Either way I'm just curious what brings you to my small place in cyberspace to hear about my struggles, particularly becaue it's not always rainbows and roses here. Now don't be shy. Please step up to introduce yourself! I can't wait to "meet" all of you! :)

Clarification

I read my comments for today's post and want to thank those of you who've shared your thoughts regarding these issues. After reading Mary's comment I want to apologize and clarify what I was trying to say. I am sorry if I gave any of you, my blogreaders, the impression that you were the ones saying the trite platitudes. You are NOT! Anyone who takes the time to read my blog and follows my journey is sincere when they wish me well. This includes the girls on the message boards who have followed my journey over the years. I was referring to the newbies on threads I frequent who don't even take the time to read my siggy to get a snapshot of my TTC history before they tell me that they "know it will happen for me someday" or some even say things like "someday you will be a mommy". Well you can guess how much that one makes my blood boil! I am very fortunate to have such a strong following here in the blogosphere and can't thank all of you enough for your continued support and encouragement. I was just annoyed with some recent insensitive comments to me and others on some message board threads. I am grateful that there are brave, caring women IRL and in the blogosphere who are willing to walk with me through the flames. So, thank you!

Mary, I apologize for making you cringe after reading my recent post as that was not my intention. I have to admit that I don't know who you are on SC (what's your screenname?), but I do appreciate your support here on my blog and on the boards. There are some girls on SC who aren't sensitive to the heartaches of others and that was what was annoying me. There was a particular incident recently on SC where one of my friends who's going through hell right (her water broke for one of her twins at 17wks) and some newbie ignored this and went on and on about her new triplet pregnancy without even saying she was sorry for what my friend is going through. It just pissed me off and put me over the edge. It wasn't/isn't you or any of my other friends on the boards. Please accept my apology and gratitude for your support.

Dreary Sunday and Random Questions

I really don't like waking up to rain and thunder on a Sunday. It's depressing. I spent about an hour lying in bed cuddled up to J who was up all night watching the NFL draft and playing video games. While lying there I kept thinking about some of the same things I often think about, but haven't posted on my blog. I've been avoiding the topics for fear of offending, hurting, and/or losing some of my blog readers. However, as I thought about it this morning I decided that this is my safe place. The place where I am supposed to be able to say anything that I want, so I've decided that I'll go there today.

The first topic that I repeatedly mull over has to do with religious beliefs. I know that it's not socially-acceptable to question people's religious beliefs and that is not the intention of this post. I feel the need to preface my statements with the disclaimer that I understand and appreciate differences in beliefs. I am putting this out there to find some enlightenment and insights only! I am not putting this out there to have people feel as though they need to defend their beliefs. So, with that said here goes ... Over the course of my 4.5 year battle with IF I've heard many people IRL and in the blogosphere mention that my struggle, their struggle, or someone else's struggle is part of "God's plan". Or they say that our struggles are "meant to be". Typically this is said to me in some effort to comfort me or to make me feel better. I can only presume that people who subscribe to this belief system find peace and comfort in those ideas, but I do not. I actually find it to be quite hurtful and offensive. To me this belief implies that God sets a plan for our life prior to our birth. This would mean that God would micromanage the lives of the 6+billion people on Earth not to mention all of the other billions of creatures that inhabit this planet. I have a hard time with that. It just doesn't make sense to me, but I want to try to understand it. So, if you subscribe to the belief that there is a set plan for our lives determined by a higher power and that all that we experience in our lives are a part of this plan (i.e., "meant to be"), please help me understand this.

The other thing that I struggle with is disingenious people who pretend to care about my struggles. I DO NOT think that anyone who regularly reads and comments on my blog falls into this category, but I do find many of these people on the TTC message boards that I've frequented for the past 4 years (and sadly a few IRL). I understand that we are all self-involved by nature and I accept that, but pretending to care just pisses me off! Do these people honestly think that I need their faux support? Maybe they actually think that I find their support to be sincere? I wonder if they think I will find comfort in their trite platitudes? In reality it actually makes me laugh out loud when some newbie who's been TTC for a year and miraculously gets pregnant on her own tells me that I "shouldn't worry because it will happen for me too". These people don't take any time to really examine what I've been through or what anyone else has been through, but rather just use the same blanket statements of faux encouragment to everyone. It's annoying and laughable to me. Yes, I am bitter and I don't make excuses for it. I just don't want people to pretend to care when it's clear they don't. I'd rather they didn't say anything! I'd like to know if I'm alone with these thoughts or if any of you have experienced this too.

Good News

K got a visit from Aunt Flow early this evening! I had a feeling if we let up some pressure she'd be coaxed out of hiding. K will start bcp on Sunday and on Monday we'll schedule K's SHG, which I'm hoping can be done at the end of the week. At that time we should get our official calendar. Both K and I are dying to see that! I talked to the IVF scheduler today and was told that our paperwork is on the desk of the RE who handles 3rd party reproduction, so that should be checked off the list by early next week. Yesterday morning J gave his sample and did his infectious disease testing, so one more thing checked off the list. I think the ball is picking up some speed!

Stage Fright

I think K's uterus is feeling a tad bit of stage fright. I told K that we need to try to relax and not put any extra pressure on her uterus as it's been through a lot the last few months. Although I am anxious for AF to arrive, I can rest assured that it will be here by the end of next week given her p4 last Friday.

Last night I decided that I needed to get K and I something special for the day of the ET, so I made each of us a t-shirt. They are coordinating, but unique. I can't say much more than that for now because I want to surprise K with the shirt, but once they arrive I'll post pics of them. We are going to look even cuter at this transfer! :) Can you tell I'm excited for the days to fly by and for early June to be here?!

Bloodwork and Hope

My clinic sent K to have her hcg levels tested on Friday in addition to her progesterone levels. They called K today to let her know that her beta hcg was back to zero and her P4 was 15, so she has ovulated and will get a period in the next week or so. Tonight K has some "pink slime" when she wiped, so we think she might have full flow tomorrow or the next day. I am excited to schedule her SHG, so we can get our calendar! All you IVF vets know how important it is to us to get the official dates!

It's funny because I'm actually hopeful and optimistic again. I've said it before and will say it again ... my highs are high and my lows are low. I range from being completely hopeless to having so much hope that I allow myself to daydream about what might be. I have a dirty little secret to share ... I went to an on-line IVF due date calculator to find out the EDD if K gets a bfp with an ET on 6/15 (I'm estimating our ET to be around this time). The EDD for a singleton would be 3/2, which I could've guessed as I did my FET on 8/14 and my EDD with Myles was 5/1. I figured that most people would think I'm nuts, but when I told K she told me that she'd already figured it out herself! :) I love how we think alike so often and that we are both thinking positive thoughts!