Return to Work

Tomorrow I will return to work after having been off with Liam & Silas for 7 months. I have been dreading this and have cried on and off all week anticipating the end of my maternity leave. Tonight while putting Silas to bed I rocked him and bawled because I I kept thinking about how I won't see my boys awake until 3:30pm tomorrow. It's not that I'm worried about the boys not being well cared for or that I dislike my job. I love teaching and feel confident that my boys will be in good hands. My mom will be with them here at our house two days a week and our wonderful nanny the other three days. I'm just sad that I won't be the one who's with them. I'm sad that I'm going to miss all the smiles, giggles, kisses, hugs, cuddling, and new milestones. This week is going to be tough, so wish me strength as I return to work.

Studio Photos

6 Months Old

The boys enjoying a stroller ride:

Liam got his first haircut:

Silas having fun with his daddy:

The boys playing:

Our personal contribution to stem cell research

**IMPORTANT NOTE: I know that there are people opposed to using embryonic stem cells and I respect your opinion/position on the issue. It is obvious from my post title that I am supportive of embryonic stem cell research. I hope that my position can be respected and that my blog doesn't become a battleground to debate the issue. We all have to do what feels right to us personally and really should try not to judge others when we haven't walked in their shoes. I appreciate your understanding and thank you in advance for not making my blog your personal debate forum.**

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. We signed the paperwork to donate our 3 frozen embryos to the Stem Cell Institute at the University of Minnesota. Both J and I thought it was important to hand-pick where our embryos were going. We both strongly support embryonic stem cell research and were pleased that we could give them to a local research institution. This particular facility is "evaluating new methods of isolating and culturing embryonic stem cells (ESC) from excess embryos obtained by IVF, so that large number of cells can be made available for patients in a reliable and reproducible manner. Additionally, all new ESC lines will be made available to researchers worldwide."

Although I feel a great sense of pride for doing my part to help advance stem cell research in an attempt to treat and/or cure diseases (e.g., Parkinson's, heart disease, diabetes), I do feel a little sad at the same time. I know our family is complete and that having more children isn't something that we ever plan to pursue, yet I feel attached to these embryos. Well technically I'm not attached to the blastocysts themselves per se, but rather to their potential for life. As I drove home from signing the papers and having them notarized I couldn't help but daydream about "who" was among them. My thoughts drifted to a little girl with curls and big blue eyes wearing an adorable pink floral dress and I became teary. The reality is that I'm a little sad I'll never have a daughter and I think I'll always wonder if there was a girl among those three embryos. I think there's even a piece of me that's still a little sad I'll never carry a baby and when I think of those embryos I wonder if one of them could've become a healthy, living baby by growing inside of me. I sometimes daydream about becoming unexpectedly pregnant on my own, which of course is highly unlikely and definitely not wise, yet I still think about it.

Clearly there's a multitude of issues coming together to create my mixed emotions today, but honestly the sadness is fleeting. I look at my precious boys and know that I am lucky. Actually I am very, very lucky! My life finally feels complete and I feel that I have finally defeated infertility. I know that there are so many women (and men) who would give so much to have what we have, so I hope I don't come off as sounding ungrateful. I am beyond grateful--more than you will ever know. Sometimes it just helps me to move past such emotions by putting a voice to them and it helps me to find peace with major decisions to discuss them (sometimes at great length much to my husband's dismay).

I am trying to look at our donation in the most positive light. We may not be giving these three embryos an opportunity of life, but we very well may be giving an opportunity of life (or a comfortable life) to hundreds if not thousands of people who are stricken with horrible diseases. I truly believe that this is our gift. We are giving back and paying it forward by donating our embryos to stem cell research. We are giving in a way that has huge potential to improve human life and for that I can feel good.

The boys started solids!

On Saturday the boys started solids. We opted to begin with oatmeal. It was very clear to me that the boys were ready to start eating food because they would grab at our food and watch us put food in our mouths while opening their mouth to give them some. It was actually pretty funny to watch and clearly it was time for them to try something new. All in all starting solids when pretty well. Liam made a few faces and spit out the first couple of bites, but after that he was off and ready to eat. We'd spoon up some of the soupy oatmeal and as soon as the spoon moved towards him he'd open his mouth wide, gum/chew, swallow and stare at the spoon/dish for more. Liam actually ate his entire dish of oatmeal and part of Silas' (less the little bit that was on his face and bib). Silas didn't seem to get the hang of it as quickly and kept spitting it out. Eventually Silas was able to eat some, but didn't seem nearly as interested as Liam. However, at one point Silas grabbed the spoon out of J's hand and acted as though he was putting into the dish of oatmeal. It was as if Silas wanted to feed himself. We were able to catch it on video and it was hilarious! At supper today the boys are going to try bananas and then tomorrow for breakfast they can have bananna oatmeal.

Liam's first experience eating oatmeal:




Silas' first experience eating oatmeal:

5 months old & Playdate

I'm a little late in posting these, but here are the 5 month photos of Liam & Silas:




We had a fun playdate at the park this week with Auntie K, her boys, and a dear friend and fellow blogger, Kris, and her boys:

Sleep, Solids, and "Totsicles"

Things are going very well on the sleep front! The boys go down quite easily after our nighttime bath, bottle, storytime routine around 7pm. They get up for one night feeding around 2-3am and then go back to sleep until around 7am. We feel quite fortunate for this and really can't take any credit for it. The day sleep is now starting to become more organized now too. The boys typically go down for their first nap of the day by 8:30am and sleep for two hours. They go down for their second nap around 12:30-1pm and typically sleep for 1.5-2 hours. In the late afternoon around 4-5pm they take a short nap around 0.5-1 hour. Although we did work on sleep training, I also feel that most of this success is attributed to the boys. After a couple of bad weeks of sleep training I gave up on coordinating the boys' schedules and put each baby down for a nap individually, which gives me the opportunity to do a little cuddling as part of our nap routine, and helps the boys go down for their naps. All in all I feel very fortunate to have such great little sleepers who as a result are quite happy, little boys!

In the next couple of weeks we are going to start solids. We got the go ahead from the pedi at the 4 month appointment, but have been waiting for the boys to tell us when they are ready. Also, I was hoping to hold off on starting solids until closer to 6 months given the new data that's out regarding allergies, childhood obesity, and diabetes. The boys are over 5 months now and are starting to seem interested in food. We've been putting them in their high chairs at the dining room table when we eat, so they can get used to sitting in them and because they like to be a part of everything now. Both of the boys have lost the tongue-thrust reflex and can hold their heads up well. Both seem to stare at our food when we are eating. Silas regularly eats 8oz at a feeding and doesn't necessarily seemed satisfied after the feeding. So, we feel that these signs are the boys telling us that they're ready to start some food and plan to get going on that in the next couple of weeks.

I plan to make baby food, particularly because of the bounty of fresh vegetables and fruits this time of year. I am considering starting with oatmeal and skipping the rice cereal, but our pedi told us we could skip cereal altogether and start with vegetables or fruits. A good friend recommended the following website: http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/. I'd love to hear suggestions and/or advice from all of you!

We have 3 embryos frozen at our reproductive clinic and had to decide if we were going to continue storing them (the first year of storage was included in our IVF shared risk plan). When we started IVF we opted to donate any leftover embryos to science because throwing them out seems wasteful and donating them to other couples is something that my husband isn't comfortable with. I thought I was 100% comfortable donating them to science (I am a scientist afterall), but here I sit unable to sign the forms to authorize the donation. It's not that we plan to transfer the embryos to anyone (me included) and have always planned to only have two living children, but I can't seem to let them go. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Liam and Silas were among the 5 blasts that resulted from IVF #2 and if things had been different they could've been one of the ones that was frozen and not transferred (blech that makes me sick to think about). I can't help but wonder about those three embryos ... I wonder who's among them? I wonder if there's a little girl among them? I wonder if I will regret letting them go? I told J that I needed a couple of weeks to wrap my brain around the reality that these three embryos will never have a chance. Deep down I know the fate of these three embryos, yet it still hurts my heart. Has anyone else struggled with this decision? Please share your experience with me.

On a more positive note I'll share a couple of photos of the boys...

Boys playing on the playmat:


The boys in their puppy robes after bathtime:



Fourth of July Parade: