My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy

Summer Fun

2011-07-06T13:23:00.010-05:00

Liam after eating a chocolate-dipped rice krispy pop:

Silas lounging in the pool:

Liam watching a parade in early June:

Silas monkeying around on his chair at the parade:

Liam playing with his Cozy Coupe:

Silly Silas and his bubble-blowing lawn mower:

A family photo on Father's Day:

Liam with a sticky, red face from a sucker he got at a 4th of July parade:

Silas enjoying his dum-dum sucker at the 4th of July parade:

"I Gave You Words / Field Of Cradles" Exhibition

2011-05-18T19:31:00.004-05:00

Our sweet Myles was creator, Susannah Pabot's, inspiration for this project and is among those babies being honored. The poem that was written for Myles is beautiful. I will share it along with photos of the exhibit after the event. If you are near Brown and can go experience this beautiful, moving exhibition, I would highly recommend it. I wish I could be there to experience it in person.

I Gave You Words / Fields of Cradles Exhibition Description
by Susannah Pabot

Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only in pregnancy and the postpartum period, characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Worldwide, preeclampsia and related hypertensive disorders are a leading cause of maternal and infant illness and death, claiming the lives of an estimated 76,000 women and 500,000 babies each year. There is at present no known prevention or cure, except for the delivery of the baby, often much too early in the pregnancy.

In the US, morbidity and mortality related to preeclampsia is predominately linked to the affects of the condition on the baby. Preeclampsia can cause intrauterine growth restriction, a state in which the baby does not receive enough oxygen and nutrients to grow normally, or it can cause placental abruption, meaning that the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus before the baby is born. Risks to a premature baby include incomplete lung development and many other potential health problems.

Although there is no cure, knowing the warning signs of preeclampsia can lead to more timely diagnosis and better outcomes. Despite this fact, almost half of all pregnant women do not currently receive information about preeclampsia during their pregnancies.

This exhibition aims to raise awareness of preeclampia and related conditions by honoring the lives of the many babies lost each year to this disease. Writer Susannah Pabot (BROWN MFA '12), herself a two-times survivor of preeclampsia, worked with over twenty families from throughout the United States to create poems for the exhibition. Each cradle in the exhibition displays one of these poems and is dedicated to the memory of a baby who died as a result of preeclampsia or a related hypertensive disorder of pregnancy. Side by side, the cradles tell a story of the devastation left in the wake of these conditions, but also remind us that each tiny life lost to preeclampsia was that of a little person who was here, who was loved, whose life mattered and always will.

The poems are printed on cotton and displayed on individually designed and knit baby blankets, created by Alyssa Fu (textiles, RISD '11) and Eliza Squibb (textiles, RISD '13). The cradles are designed by Rebecca Lee (furniture design, RISD '11) and created with the generous assistance of Bud Saggal (Precision Laser Inc, Pawtucket, RI).

The exhibition's sound environment, which includes recordings of the poems by members of the Brown and Providence communities, was composed by Ling Zhou (composition, RISD/BROWN '13).

Easter Weekend 2011

2011-04-24T21:08:00.012-05:00

Yesterday we had a fun-filled day shopping, dining, and playing. We took the boys to the play area of the local mall and they had a blast.

Last year the boys were too young to really participate in the holiday, but this year they really got into it. They found Easter eggs that were "hidden" in the yard and located their Easter baskets in the house. We had a beautiful sunny day and had a ton of fun playing with the boys outside. Here's a few photos of our fun-filled day...

After a long day of playing outside the boys still had energy to play with their mommy. Silas kept saying "cookie" (he says it as plain as day) and I couldn't help but think he was asking for just one more cookie:

Liam played hide and seek with me (one of his favorite games next to "chase Liam") and kept hiding behind the door. This is photo shows Liam's sheer joy when I "found him":

A Big Birthday Wish for Auntie K

2011-03-16T21:21:00.016-05:00

This is a week late, but I was unable to post on my blog. J made some upgrades to my laptop, which resulted in me not being able to post, but now it's fixed. Liam & Silas sent the following birthday wishes to K last Wednesday:

Silas & Liam's One Year Photo Shoot

2011-02-25T21:22:00.004-06:00

Check out the photos of the Liam & Silas from their one year photo shoot! Enter the password "mondovi".

Three Years Ago Feels Like Yesterday

2011-02-15T19:40:00.004-06:00

Three years ago my heart broke in two. Three years ago I watched as the beautiful sparkle left my son's eyes. Three years ago we faced the toughest decision of our lives and had to let go of our sweet Myles. Three years ago I held my first-born son and watched the life slowly leave his body. Three years ago my life changed forever. Three years ago seems so long ago, yet three years ago also feels like it happened just yesterday.

Myles, I think of you daily and miss you just as much today as the day you left us. I am grateful for every single minute of the 26 days we were able to spend with you, but I have to admit that I'm greedy and wish there had been more. I wanted a lifetime with you. I had so many dreams for us. I wish you could meet your brothers. You continue to inspire me today and promise to continue to live my life to its fullest in your memory. I love you sweet baby boy! Hugs, kisses & love always, Mommy

Sunday Funday

2011-02-14T19:50:00.004-06:00

Yesterday (and today) the weather was in the mid-40's, which feels like a heatwave in WI when we just had -30 last week, so we took the boys out for a ride in the wagon. Both Liam & Silas seemed to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine.

After our walk around the subdivision I made homemade finger paint (flour, water, and food coloring) for the boys to use to make Valentine's for the Auntie K, the nanny, and their grandmas. Silas seemed to enjoy eating it, but did manage to make beautiful masterpieces. Liam was more meticulous with his painting and also created a couple of amazing pieces of art.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy First Birthday Liam & Silas

2011-01-31T19:52:00.009-06:00

Here are my little guys one year ago ...

Liam:

Silas:

Here they are at one year old ...

Liam:

Silas:

Happy 3rd Birthday Myles!

2011-01-21T19:42:00.003-06:00

It's hard to think that Myles would have been 3 today. I remember very vividly the day he was born and can't believe that it was three years ago already. I miss Myles just as much today as I did the day he left us, but somehow, some way I have learned to live life and smile again. Time softened the edges of the hole in my heart, but the wound still remains. The pain comes and goes, but comes less frequently. Liam & Silas have helped me to love life again, but neither of them can take Myles' place. I often look at my two living boys and wonder if Myles would be like either of them in looks and/or personality. I wonder if he'd be fiesty like Liam or serious like Silas. I wonder what it would be like to have a 3 year old. If only things were different then I would know. I feel Myles' energy around me often and like to think of him smiling somewhere over the rainbow. I miss you Mr. Myles and love you dearly my sweet boy! Happy 3rd Birthday Smyles!

11 months

2011-01-04T19:39:00.008-06:00

10 months

2010-12-09T20:35:00.004-06:00

Our First Thanksgiving as a Family

2010-11-28T21:42:00.002-06:00

Thankful

2010-11-25T09:18:00.004-06:00

We have so much to be thankful for this year. I do not take for granted how lucky we are for our two special gifts and say quiet thanks to K so many times throughout the day. Thinking of all of you and wishing you a safe and happy holiday.

9 months old

2010-11-13T19:57:00.005-06:00

Better late than never ... it's getting increasingly difficult to get these busy little boys to sit still to take their monthly photos.

Liam kept signing "all done" and finally just tried to crawl off the chair.

Silas was content on the chair, but wouldn't stop examining his 9 month sticker.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T21:22:00.008-05:00

Silas the sea otter and Liam the ring-tailed lemur

Family Photos

2010-10-30T19:06:00.008-05:00

Two weeks ago we had family photos taken by a photographer friend of ours. Although it's pretty tough to get both boys to look at the camera at the same time, I was pretty pleased with them! Today the boys are 9 months old already! It's so crazy how fast the last 9 months have gone. I am so lucky and feel gratitude beyond words to K and her family! There are still days when I look at the boys and can't believe what an amazing life story they have to tell!

Birth Certificates

2010-10-13T21:31:00.002-05:00

After 8.5 months we finally received the boys' birth certificates that list me as the mother and J as the father. We had hoped for a pre-birth order (PBO), but the judge wanted DNA testing after the boys' arrival. We did that and jumped through the other hoops to finally have the official documents in our possession. I knew all along the boys were ours and that K wouldn't be contesting that, but it's still nice to have the official documents. It feels like the final step in the surrogacy journey. I feel so fortunate to have had such a great experience with surrogacy and hope that others who take this path to their children find similar success. Life is good!

8 months old

2010-10-11T18:31:00.005-05:00

"Miracle Baby" Birthday Party

2010-10-06T20:52:00.008-05:00

This past weekend we went to a birthday party hosted by our RE and his clinic. They do this every year to celebrate all the "miracle babies" they helped to conceive. The boys were able to meet their first babysitters, the embryologists, as well as some of the nurses and of course, Dr. S, our wonderful RE. The party was hosted at the Mall of America's aqaurium, Underwater Adventures, and the boys absolutely loved watching all the fish. While walking through the aqaurium tunnel Liam laid back to watch the sharks, rays, and large fish swim over our heads and also enjoyed standing up next to the sides with his hands on the plexiglass watching the fish swim by. Silas seemed to enjoy looking at the jellyfish in the small tanks, but seemed a little scared when J put him right next to the plexiglass of the tunnel. It was so much fun to watch them taking it all in. I love seeing life through their eyes where everything is new and so amazing!

A family photo at Underwater Adventures: (it's blurry but the only one we took)

The four of us with Dr. S (who's eyes are closed):

The boys with Dr. S:

Underwater Adventures Family Photo:

Still here

2010-09-27T21:35:00.005-05:00

I am still here and enjoying life. Being a full-time working mom of twins is a lot more work than I expected, particularly when you're a high school teacher and have work to do outside of the normal workday. I vowed not to do any schoolwork while the boys are awake, which means that I'm busy in the evenings when they go to bed and during naptime on the weekends, and so far I've stuck to this plan. My biggest challenge since going back to work aside from being away from the boys is trying to cook well-balanced healthy meals. I've started using the crockpot more often and am prepping my meals on the weekends. Also, I try to make double batches of soups, lasagnas, etc that I can throw in the freezer for another week. It seems to be working well. My other big challenge is keeping my house as tidy/clean as I like it to be. As a Type A I have very high expectations for things, including the state of my house. I'd love to have a cleaning lady just once a month to alleviate this stress and am still lobbying for that with J.

The boys just got over a cold (as did their mommy) and are doing quite well. It's hard to believe that in a few days the boys will be 8 months old already! Neither of the boys has teeth yet, but I can see them just under the surface and they are constantly tongueing at their lower gums. Although they get around quite well by rolling, turning/pivoting and rolling, they haven't started to crawl yet. We've observed both of them on their knees for brief moments, but nothing beyond that. Before I started school we babyproofed the house, so we'd be ready the day they take off. Liam has taken to babbling with anyone who'll listen and Silas is a little more shy. Both boys have smiles that melt my heart and everyday I race home as soon as I can to see them.

Last week I celebrated my 34th birthday (I'm not too proud to admit my age) and our wonderful nanny surprised me at school with the boys. When they arrived at my classroom I was in the back of the room helping a group of students and heard a quiet voice say "Happy Birthday Mommy". I turned around to see our nanny with both boys in tow. They were wearing matching onsies that said "Happy Birthday Mom". I was so happy to see them and couldn't get over the cute onsies the nanny had made. She truly is a wonderful person and we're so lucky to have her caring for our boys!

Return to Work

2010-08-29T20:22:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I will return to work after having been off with Liam & Silas for 7 months. I have been dreading this and have cried on and off all week anticipating the end of my maternity leave. Tonight while putting Silas to bed I rocked him and bawled because I I kept thinking about how I won't see my boys awake until 3:30pm tomorrow. It's not that I'm worried about the boys not being well cared for or that I dislike my job. I love teaching and feel confident that my boys will be in good hands. My mom will be with them here at our house two days a week and our wonderful nanny the other three days. I'm just sad that I won't be the one who's with them. I'm sad that I'm going to miss all the smiles, giggles, kisses, hugs, cuddling, and new milestones. This week is going to be tough, so wish me strength as I return to work.

Studio Photos

2010-08-23T22:09:00.008-05:00

6 Months Old

2010-08-10T09:33:00.009-05:00

The boys enjoying a stroller ride:

Liam got his first haircut:

Silas having fun with his daddy:

The boys playing:

Our personal contribution to stem cell research

2010-08-09T12:54:00.004-05:00

**IMPORTANT NOTE: I know that there are people opposed to using embryonic stem cells and I respect your opinion/position on the issue. It is obvious from my post title that I am supportive of embryonic stem cell research. I hope that my position can be respected and that my blog doesn't become a battleground to debate the issue. We all have to do what feels right to us personally and really should try not to judge others when we haven't walked in their shoes. I appreciate your understanding and thank you in advance for not making my blog your personal debate forum.**

Today is a very bittersweet day for me. We signed the paperwork to donate our 3 frozen embryos to the Stem Cell Institute at the University of Minnesota. Both J and I thought it was important to hand-pick where our embryos were going. We both strongly support embryonic stem cell research and were pleased that we could give them to a local research institution. This particular facility is "evaluating new methods of isolating and culturing embryonic stem cells (ESC) from excess embryos obtained by IVF, so that large number of cells can be made available for patients in a reliable and reproducible manner. Additionally, all new ESC lines will be made available to researchers worldwide."

Although I feel a great sense of pride for doing my part to help advance stem cell research in an attempt to treat and/or cure diseases (e.g., Parkinson's, heart disease, diabetes), I do feel a little sad at the same time. I know our family is complete and that having more children isn't something that we ever plan to pursue, yet I feel attached to these embryos. Well technically I'm not attached to the blastocysts themselves per se, but rather to their potential for life. As I drove home from signing the papers and having them notarized I couldn't help but daydream about "who" was among them. My thoughts drifted to a little girl with curls and big blue eyes wearing an adorable pink floral dress and I became teary. The reality is that I'm a little sad I'll never have a daughter and I think I'll always wonder if there was a girl among those three embryos. I think there's even a piece of me that's still a little sad I'll never carry a baby and when I think of those embryos I wonder if one of them could've become a healthy, living baby by growing inside of me. I sometimes daydream about becoming unexpectedly pregnant on my own, which of course is highly unlikely and definitely not wise, yet I still think about it.

Clearly there's a multitude of issues coming together to create my mixed emotions today, but honestly the sadness is fleeting. I look at my precious boys and know that I am lucky. Actually I am very, very lucky! My life finally feels complete and I feel that I have finally defeated infertility. I know that there are so many women (and men) who would give so much to have what we have, so I hope I don't come off as sounding ungrateful. I am beyond grateful--more than you will ever know. Sometimes it just helps me to move past such emotions by putting a voice to them and it helps me to find peace with major decisions to discuss them (sometimes at great length much to my husband's dismay).

I am trying to look at our donation in the most positive light. We may not be giving these three embryos an opportunity of life, but we very well may be giving an opportunity of life (or a comfortable life) to hundreds if not thousands of people who are stricken with horrible diseases. I truly believe that this is our gift. We are giving back and paying it forward by donating our embryos to stem cell research. We are giving in a way that has huge potential to improve human life and for that I can feel good.

The boys started solids!

2010-07-19T13:21:00.011-05:00

On Saturday the boys started solids. We opted to begin with oatmeal. It was very clear to me that the boys were ready to start eating food because they would grab at our food and watch us put food in our mouths while opening their mouth to give them some. It was actually pretty funny to watch and clearly it was time for them to try something new. All in all starting solids when pretty well. Liam made a few faces and spit out the first couple of bites, but after that he was off and ready to eat. We'd spoon up some of the soupy oatmeal and as soon as the spoon moved towards him he'd open his mouth wide, gum/chew, swallow and stare at the spoon/dish for more. Liam actually ate his entire dish of oatmeal and part of Silas' (less the little bit that was on his face and bib). Silas didn't seem to get the hang of it as quickly and kept spitting it out. Eventually Silas was able to eat some, but didn't seem nearly as interested as Liam. However, at one point Silas grabbed the spoon out of J's hand and acted as though he was putting into the dish of oatmeal. It was as if Silas wanted to feed himself. We were able to catch it on video and it was hilarious! At supper today the boys are going to try bananas and then tomorrow for breakfast they can have bananna oatmeal.

Liam's first experience eating oatmeal:

Silas' first experience eating oatmeal:

5 months old & Playdate

2010-07-16T21:20:00.007-05:00

I'm a little late in posting these, but here are the 5 month photos of Liam & Silas:

We had a fun playdate at the park this week with Auntie K, her boys, and a dear friend and fellow blogger, Kris, and her boys:

Sleep, Solids, and "Totsicles"

2010-07-07T20:11:00.010-05:00

Things are going very well on the sleep front! The boys go down quite easily after our nighttime bath, bottle, storytime routine around 7pm. They get up for one night feeding around 2-3am and then go back to sleep until around 7am. We feel quite fortunate for this and really can't take any credit for it. The day sleep is now starting to become more organized now too. The boys typically go down for their first nap of the day by 8:30am and sleep for two hours. They go down for their second nap around 12:30-1pm and typically sleep for 1.5-2 hours. In the late afternoon around 4-5pm they take a short nap around 0.5-1 hour. Although we did work on sleep training, I also feel that most of this success is attributed to the boys. After a couple of bad weeks of sleep training I gave up on coordinating the boys' schedules and put each baby down for a nap individually, which gives me the opportunity to do a little cuddling as part of our nap routine, and helps the boys go down for their naps. All in all I feel very fortunate to have such great little sleepers who as a result are quite happy, little boys!

In the next couple of weeks we are going to start solids. We got the go ahead from the pedi at the 4 month appointment, but have been waiting for the boys to tell us when they are ready. Also, I was hoping to hold off on starting solids until closer to 6 months given the new data that's out regarding allergies, childhood obesity, and diabetes. The boys are over 5 months now and are starting to seem interested in food. We've been putting them in their high chairs at the dining room table when we eat, so they can get used to sitting in them and because they like to be a part of everything now. Both of the boys have lost the tongue-thrust reflex and can hold their heads up well. Both seem to stare at our food when we are eating. Silas regularly eats 8oz at a feeding and doesn't necessarily seemed satisfied after the feeding. So, we feel that these signs are the boys telling us that they're ready to start some food and plan to get going on that in the next couple of weeks.

I plan to make baby food, particularly because of the bounty of fresh vegetables and fruits this time of year. I am considering starting with oatmeal and skipping the rice cereal, but our pedi told us we could skip cereal altogether and start with vegetables or fruits. A good friend recommended the following website: http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/. I'd love to hear suggestions and/or advice from all of you!

We have 3 embryos frozen at our reproductive clinic and had to decide if we were going to continue storing them (the first year of storage was included in our IVF shared risk plan). When we started IVF we opted to donate any leftover embryos to science because throwing them out seems wasteful and donating them to other couples is something that my husband isn't comfortable with. I thought I was 100% comfortable donating them to science (I am a scientist afterall), but here I sit unable to sign the forms to authorize the donation. It's not that we plan to transfer the embryos to anyone (me included) and have always planned to only have two living children, but I can't seem to let them go. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Liam and Silas were among the 5 blasts that resulted from IVF #2 and if things had been different they could've been one of the ones that was frozen and not transferred (blech that makes me sick to think about). I can't help but wonder about those three embryos ... I wonder who's among them? I wonder if there's a little girl among them? I wonder if I will regret letting them go? I told J that I needed a couple of weeks to wrap my brain around the reality that these three embryos will never have a chance. Deep down I know the fate of these three embryos, yet it still hurts my heart. Has anyone else struggled with this decision? Please share your experience with me.

On a more positive note I'll share a couple of photos of the boys...

Boys playing on the playmat:

The boys in their puppy robes after bathtime:

Fourth of July Parade:

Cool Dudes

2010-06-19T09:20:00.004-05:00

Summer Fun

2010-06-16T08:13:00.008-05:00

First boat ride: (It was a short one lasting about 3 minutes from the dock to my Aunt N & Uncle D's island where they have a cabin)

Uncle J (my brother), his fiance, Aunt T, and the boys sitting around the campfire:

The boys & Auntie K:

Celebrating Uncle J's birthday:

The boys trying out the Rainforest Jumperoo:

And so it begins ... Silas pulling Liam's hair:

Let me clarify ...

2010-06-10T18:42:00.003-05:00

I think there is a big misunderstanding about Weissbluth by some people ... his book primarily focuses on the concept that the quality and duration of daytime sleep (naps) affects nighttime sleep and ultimately affects the baby's demeanor. In his book Weissbluth provides several strategies for helping your baby to get all the sleep they need. Although he does mention cyring it out (CIO) as one technique, it is not the only one (nor is it the preferred one). However, most of the techniques involve some crying. For some people the name Weissbluth means CIO and that simply is not the case. I would recommend reading his book to get a better understanding. I share this because I don't want people to assume I'm placing my 4 month old twins (who are age adjusted 3 months I should add) in their cribs to CIO. I (we) are using techniques that involve some crying, but we are also comforting and reassuring the boys after a set amount of time (graduated extinction).

I also want to explain and clarify that I'm not sleep training in an attempt to get more night sleep for myself (I'm fine with the 1-2 night feedings) or to get a schedule that allows me more freedom. I'm sleep training because most of the sleep experts will tell you that by 12-16wks post due date babies should be taking 2-3 daytime naps, which should occur in their beds and not in a swing, car, stroller, etc. Up until now my boys have been allowed to take their naps wherever they happened to be (swing, bouncy, floor, car, stroller) and I need to change that. I accept responsibility for this major problem and should've done something about it sooner. Since I didn't I'm now stuck trying to fix it. The focus of my sleep training centers around the morning nap and getting the boys to take all of their naps (no matter how short or long) in their cribs. Even though they've both slept in their cribs since they came home from the hospital at 12 days of age and haven't had a problem with it, they are seriously fighting napping in their cribs.

I LOVE rocking my boys to sleep and in fact do that every night when my husband is home to take one baby to rock. When you have twins and are the only care provider during the day it means you can't always tend to each baby's needs immediately nor can you be the one to soothe them to sleep when they are simultaneously showing signs of sleepiness at the same time. Twins make some things that singleton moms take for granted logistically impossible.

I'm trying out different nap time soothing rituals (if you twin moms have suggestions please share!), but right now I put both boys on the floor on a soft blanket, give each a pacifier, rub their backs/bellies, and softly talk/sing/read to them. After about 10 minutes of soothing I put them into their respective cribs with a lovey and their pacifiers. I am usually able to alternate between the cribs providing additional soothing/comforting/replacing of pacifiers as needed (although there are times when both boys meltdown at once). The boys seem to fall to sleep using this technique, but then wake relatively shortly after. So I repeat the process until they are sleeping once again. Today I kept repeating and repeating and repeating the comforting and reassuring for Liam, but nothing seemed to help. Once Liam became wired and overtired it was nearly impossible to soothe him and then he basically refused to nap for the rest of the day, which only added to his overtired fussy state. While trying to get Liam to calm down Silas started crying, but fortunately after 5 minutes of crying fell back to sleep on his own.

I will admit today felt like a complete disaster. I'm certain I did more crying today than my boys did, so suffice it to say this isn't easy for me. But I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this to eliminate having overtired, cranky babies and eventually to help my boys learn to soothe themselves to sleep (when they are old enough to do that ... I've read by 6mo they can do that?!). I plan to return to teaching in the fall and want to ensure that I have happy, well rested, good sleepers by that point. I don't think it's fair to ask or expect my mom who will be caring for them 2days/wk and the nanny who will care for them the other 3day/wk to deal with what I'm currently dealing with. So, I'm hoping in a few weeks I have two happy, healthy little boys who go down well for their naps and continue to sleep well at night.

Sleep Training - Naps

2010-06-10T12:09:00.006-05:00

Okay, please forgive me if this post is disjointed and confusing. I'm having a pretty rough day and looking for people to share their experiences with me. What I'm NOT looking for is people to judge me or tell me what to do (trust me when I say I have enough of that going on IRL). For several weeks now the boys have been more or less STTN. They go to bed rather easily with very little soothing between 6:30-7:30pm and sleep until 1-2am when they awake for a night feeding after which they return to sleep until I get them out of their cribs around 6am. Before the boys arrived both J and I read Weissbluth's books Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins and agreed with all that he had to say. If you don't know about Weissbluth's sleep philosophy google it and you'll get a quick overview, but I will mention that it does involve allowing the babies to cry some. Weissbluth's philosophy, which says "sleep begets sleep", is based on good, sound data and a baby's biological sleep rhythms, which I can truly appreciate and respect.

Weissbluth says that babies between the ages of 12-16 wks will start to have organized day sleep and recommends starting nap training at this point. He says that if babies don't sleep well during the day they won't sleep well at night and we didn't want our great nighttime sleepers to turn to bad nighttime sleepers. Therefore, we (I) started nap training this week. Monday (day 1) wasn't the best with the nap training, but it wasn't all that bad either. Tuesday was great--not a lot of crying and really good naps. Yesterday was horrible with crying, me giving in and very little daytime sleep, which resulted in a huge disruption to the boy's night sleep (i.e., they were up on and off from 2am on). Now today they are extremely overtired and the sleep training for naps has been horribly exhausting and emotional for me. The boys have cried a lot and I've cried right along with them. Although I logically know I'm doing this for their benefit (and mine in the long run), I feel like I deserve the worst mother of the year award.

I'd love for your experiences with sleep and sleep training.

4 months old

2010-06-02T22:41:00.015-05:00

Liam and Silas had their 4 month appointment this week and both boys are doing great according the pediatrician. Developmentally they are where they should be and are growing well.

Liam: 13 lbs 14oz, 22.8 in

Silas: 14 lbs 11oz, 23.86 in

Liam is really strong and holds his head up well, but Silas doesn't do as good of a job. The pedi told us to do more tummy time with Silas and that he'd get it. The pedi gave us the go ahead to start solids in the next 1-2 months. She indicated that we can start with rice cereal if we want, but that it's also okay to introduce fruits and vegetables too. I think I'm going to wait a little longer to start solids, particularly because the boys are only 3 months adjusted. I've read the new data suggests that waiting until 6 months might be best to reduce the risk of allergies. Although I won't wait until 6 months adjusted, I do plan to at least wait until 4 months adjusted (end of June).

Next week I'm going to start some sleep training with the boys for naptime(using Dr. Weissbluth's methods). I need to get them napping in their cribs and want to ensure that by 16wks (adjusted) they have regular daytime naps. Right now they nap whenever and unfortunately do a lot of cat napping. They are doing great with organized night sleep, so I don't want the lack of good daytime sleep to disrupt their habits at night. This is why I think the sleep training is so important. I'm sure it will be a struggle at first, but I'm hoping after a couple of weeks the boys go down for naps that match their natural biological rhythms (e.g., 9am, 1pm). If you have experience with sleep training, I'd love to hear about it.

Both boys enjoy playtime as you can see in the photos below.

A mixed bag of stuff

2010-05-26T20:29:00.015-05:00

I need to apologize for not posting very often. Yes, I'm busy, but I do have a little bit of time to post in the evenings when the boys are in bed. The truth is that I just don't know what to say most of the time. I'm unsure of where to take this blog. I started it as a way to cope with my grief over Myles' death, continued it to chronicle my infertility journey, and now have been sharing my two bundles of joy. I'm fine with keeping the blog as is and using it as I have been doing despite feeling a bit uneasy reveling in my mommyhood when so many of my blogreaders (likely former blogreaders) are still struggling with infertility. I did after all start this blog as a mother (albeit a babyloss mamma) and didn't start out blogging about infertility. I do think that I should modify my blog title somewhat, especially if I'm going to blog about motherhood and our family. I'd love suggestions if anyone has any ... what do you think I should do with this blog and what could I do to modify the title to better reflect my current blog material?

We are loving our new house and feel so at home here. I was worried that this new place wouldn't feel like our home, but this is the home where we will raise our boys and it feels perfect! The extra space is definitely a huge asset with two babies and all their gear. I'm absolutely in love with my kitchen--the large island and huge walk-in pantry are wonderful! I also love having a huge walk-in closet to house all of my clothes. In our previous house I had to utilize portable closets in my basement to store off-season clothing and then change it out each season (huge pain!). The big front porch on this house is our favorite place to sit at night after we put the boys to bed. My parents bought us two wooden rocking chairs, so we can rock, relax, and listen to the birds sing. Another feature that I suprisingly enjoy quite a bit is the 2nd floor laundry, which was our contracter's suggestion--this means I don't have to haul clothes baskets up and down steps. With two babies I do a ton of laundry, so that's saving me a lot of wasted energy. We still have to put our yard in and do the landscaping, but we're waiting until the fall to put in the grass and we plan to do the landscaping next spring.

Kitchen/dining room:

Living room:

Family room upstairs above the garage (this will become the boys' playroom):

Nursery:

Both Liam and Silas are doing great! We have their 4 month peds appointment next week. It's hard to believe that the boys are almost 4 months old already! Liam is doing great on his acid refluxs meds and is actually a very different baby. He is able to eat 4-6 oz of formula at a time and doesn't cry while he's eating it. Silas continues to do well on the meds too. Both boys go to bed without any problems by 7pm--we bathe them, feed them, and cuddle/rock them (we do this because we like it nt because the boys need it.) The boys wake around 1-2am to feed, immediately fall back to sleep, and don't wake again until around 5am. J does the night feeding and I get up with them at 5am. Most days the boys will play a little after the 5am feeding and then will go back to sleep for another 1-2 hours.

Liam is definitely the needier of the two babies and I'm thankful that Silas is so laid back and patient. I swear Liam cries out of jealousy when I'm holding Silas! Both boys are getting stronger during tummy time and have pretty good head control. They are very happy, smiley babies who grow more adorable by the day. Liam has suddenly become quite interested in holding things ... he regularly grabs and holds skinny rattles, his pacifier and Bright Starts Lots of Links. Liam puts everything and anything he gets ahold of (e.g., fingers, toys, Silas' hand, burp cloths) into his mouth. He also drools a ton, which is why I seriously think he might already be teething. Silas isn't as interested in putting things in his mouth and doesn't drool, so clearly he isn't teething. Silas will grab and hold toys if I put them right next to his hand, but he doesn't seem to be as interested as Liam. Silas appears to be close to rolling over and I wonder every day if I'm going to come into the nursery and find him on his stomach in the crib.

I received a Flip Video Camcorder(digital HD) for Mother's Day from my boys, so one of these days I'll upload a video of them doing something cute. It seems like I record them doing something every day because they seem so adorable not to. Until I figure out how to get a video on here I'll leave you with a few pictures of the boys.

Me and my boys on Mother's Day:

This is what our normal mornings look like (ignore my bedhead and pjs):

Hey all, it is me "K"

2010-05-16T19:50:00.002-05:00

Hey gang, long time no talk! Niki and I were talking and decided I should give you guys an update! I AM DOING EXCELLENT! Baseball season has begun at our home and I LOVE IT! Nothing better then seeing my two boys having fun on the ball field! I had a great Mother's Day and got the most special gift from Niki, J, Liam and Silas, a wonderful photo book she made on shutterfly. It was 90 pages long, and was filled with stories, poems and photos about our journey, it was perfect! I cried, sobbed and bawled like a baby! I can't stop showing people, and am so thrilled I'll have this for my whole life to help me remember our journey (it already seems like those two sweet little boys were born so LONG ago)!

On Thursday, I got to hang with the boys all afternoon while Niki joined her mom for some time out and about! I LOVED IT! We snuggled, hugged, talked and played. They are two of the sweetest little souls I've ever met and I'm so grateful Niki and J are getting to enjoy them! Many people have, in a round about way, questioned if I "miss" them. Of course I miss them, but under no circumstance do I wish they lived with me or were "mine". I grew these two boys strong so Niki and J could enjoy them their whole lives long! I haven't once regretted my decision or wished it to turn out any differently...our journey has been perfect! When I look at Liam and Silas with their mom and dad I feel bliss! It all happened just as I imagined it and to be quite honest, I feel lucky to have been a part of something so amazing!

I hope this message finds you all content! Enjoy the summer weather and keep smiling!

Photos

2010-05-05T21:30:00.006-05:00

K and the boys:

Liam smiling:

Silas smiling:

GERD, Sleeping & and a Nanny

2010-05-04T20:34:00.006-05:00

Over the last 3 weeks we've had several horrible nights where Liam was up every hour fussing or he'd just be up from like midnight on. He refused to eat more than an ounce at a time, which was probably contributing to him waking so often, but he also just seemed generally uncomfortable and sometimes would even cry while he ate (poor little guy!). So, we suspected that Liam also had GERD and we started him on Zantac. After a week on Zan.tac things hadn't improved, so the pedi added Prev.acid. Literally within a day of being on Prev.acid we already saw an improvement--Liam ate more, didn't fuss while he was eating, and slept for longer periods of time.

Both boys usually still eat every 2-3 hours, so we aren't getting huge blocks of sleep at night. However, on occassion they sleep a little longer (i.e., 4 hours) between feedings. We usually try to have the boys in their cribs for the night between 7-8pm, which is when the boys seem to naturally want to go down, and this is when they have their best sleep.

Silas is very good at falling back to sleep after his night feedings and doesn't require too much rocking. Liam on the other hand needs a lot of rocking and cuddling before he'll fall back to sleep. Sometimes when I put him in the crib he immediately wakes up and I have to start all over. We read Weissbluth's sleep book and plan to start implementing his strategies. I hate the thought of letting the boys cry (and no I don't mean cry it out), but understand the need for them to learn self-soothing techniques.

I am on maternity leave through the end of the summer, but plan to go back to teaching in the fall. My mom is going to watch the boys two days each week and we are looking for child care for the other three days. Because of our need for part-time we decided to look at in-home day cares rather than facilities, which charge extra for part-time. Plus, I don't want to have to pay for the summers when I'm off. We visited two in-home day cares and didn't care for either of them. Both were way too dirty for my tastes (e.g., stains on carpet, smell of cat urine) and one of the gals actually said "I don't know how you manage twin infants"--hmm????!! What the hell?! She was hoping to care for our two, a 12wk old girl, and her two boys, ages 2 and 5. Needless to say both we immediately crossed her off our list.

After striking out twice with in-home day care providers we decided to take our friends' advice and post an ad at the local university of a part-time nanny. We already have 6 applicants after a day of having it posted and three of them sound like very good candidates. On a whim I messaged a former student of mine, S, to ask her if she knew of anyone who might be interested in the position. S messaged me back saying that she is transferring to the local U and would love the job. S is absolutely AMAZING and has tons of experience caring for babies/kids. She's babysat for a handful of my close friends, including K, and they all rave about her. Also, S nannied for a woman who lost her husband when she was expecting twins (horribly sad I know), so she even has experience with twin infants. J works with S's mom too, so we know her family. S came over today to meet the boys and Silas couldn't take his eyes off her--he smiled and cooed to her the whole time she was here. S is still registering for her classes and plans to try to work it so she can cover all three days. Needless to say I feel as though I won the lottery!!

(I tried to upload some photos of the boys and the boys and K, but it keeps saying there's a problem. Grr! I'll try tomorrow.)

Social Smiling

2010-04-22T21:08:00.011-05:00

Yesterday the boys both started to smile more socially. Silas had been sort of smiling for about a week, but yesterday it was was very obvious! Previously they would smile while sleeping or when they had gas, but wouldn't smile at us when we were talking to them. Yesterday morning when my mom was over helping out the boys were smiling quite frequently at her, which they continued to do today. Silas smiled at me several times yesterday and Liam did it a handful of times. This morning when I got out of bed and came downstairs Liam was smiling and "talking" to my mom (she comes twice a week at 5:30am to help with the boys), but when I started talking to him he frowned. It was hilarious. It seems as though the boys are more "smiley" in the morning. This weekend I'm going to try to get photographs of them smiling, but for now here are a few photos of the boys over the past couple of weeks ...

Getting ready to go shopping with mom:

Both boys love to hang with mom in the Baby Bjorn:

Liam:

Silas:

Survivor's Guilt

2010-04-11T20:08:00.003-05:00

Now that my idealized dream has become reality you'd think I'd feel nothing but sheer joy all the time, but sadly that isn't the case. Don't get me wrong most of the time I'm nothing but giddy and gracious beyond explanation for the gifts I've been given, yet there's still this small part of me that feels lonely and lost. I'm unsure of where I belong or how I fit into the new club that I've recently joined. For 5 years I belonged to the infertility club (and to some extent I think I'll always be a member of this club), but now that I've been blessed with my boys I feel alienated from my fellow members of the infertile community. I'm now a member of a new club--the coveted, highly sought after club that us infertiles dream about--the mommy club.

One might think I'd fall right into the mommy club, yet I find that I don't really fit in there either. Maybe it's because I've felt on the fringes of this club for two years having lost my first child (babyloss mamas aren't made to feel welcome by most among this group). Maybe it's because I feel that I can't relate to those members of the club who came by their membership so easily. Maybe it's because I feel as though my membership wasn't rightfully earned since I didn't carry my boys and/or give birth to them. Maybe it's because I'm still a little shocked that I've finally been granted membership to this seemingly elite club. Whatever the reason I feel in limbo and I feel guilty that I was among the lucky ones. Sure I put in my time and I've earned my stripes with 5 years of battling infertility, 5 miscarriages, 5 IVF cycles, the death of my son, the loss of my ability to carry a child, and surrogacy, yet others have put in more time, earned more stripes, yet are still fighting the battle. I ask myself why I was one of the lucky ones?

2 months

2010-04-02T19:49:00.009-05:00

I'm a little late on this post, but last weekend when the boys turned 2 months old we were moving into our new house (pics to come at a later date). I did manage to snap a few photos of the boys in onsies with the 2 month stickers. Both Liam and Silas are doing well and getting bigger every day. Next week is their two month appointment when they will get their vaccinations. I'm anxious about this appointment because the thought of them getting poked makes me want to cry. I am excited to see how much they weigh. Neither of the boys can fit into the newborn clothes anymore, so I know they are getting bigger!

Liam is still smaller than Silas, but he seems to be diverting energy to muscle building rather than adding girth. Liam is able to hold his head up on his own for extended periods of time, particularly during tummy time. Liam also gazes for short periods of time at himself in the mirror while on his tummy.

Although Silas enjoys tummy time, he can't hold his head up as well as his brother. Silas enjoys lounging in the boppy and watching the ceiling fan.

Getting out to enjoy spring

2010-03-22T15:35:00.005-05:00

I love, love, love spring! I love to hear the birds singing, to watch the flowers pop up above the brown grass, to see the world turn green with plant life, and to feel the heat of the sun on my skin. Another benefit of spring is that I'm able to get out of the house and take the boys for a walk. It may only be in the 50's, but in WI that seems like a heatwave after the long, cold winter months. I bundle the boys up in warm clothes, cover them in blankets and off we go! These afternoon walks give me something to look forward to each day and make me feel refreshed! The boys seem to enjoy the stroller rides as they nap through them. Today I got brave and walked to a local coffee shop to get a latte and the boys did great!

Getting the boys all bundled up for the walk:

This is a photo of the boys when we returned home from the walk:

Candle burning at both ends

2010-03-20T09:43:00.005-05:00

Right before Christmas we put our 3 bedroom historic cape cod house on the market and much to my surprise it sold in less than a month with a bidding war to boot. I had agreed to put in on the market thinking that it wouldn't sell for a few months and knew that we'd pull it off the market once the boys arrived. Both J and I agreed that showing a house with two newborns wouldn't be a good idea, particularly when the house needed to be perfectly staged which would be impossible with baby gear everywhere. Secretly I hoped it wouldn't sell because I didn't want the added stress of packing and moving with the babies, so when it sold so quickly I was quite nervous about what was to come.

Not only did we sell our house, but we were planning to build another one. With new construction comes all sorts of decisions and stresses. When we sold our house we already had the lot picked out, the foundation poured, and well dug, so all we had to do was have the house built. Fortunately we have a great general contractor who's made the process relatively easy. Additionally, we had spent time looking at flooring, counters, light fixtures, faucets, etc before our current house sold, so we were able to make all of those decisions relatively quickly and easily. Selecting the paint colors took me a little longer, but in the end I'm happy with what I chose.

I know it seems like a crazy idea for us to sell our house and build a new one right before twin boys were to arrive. We knew we would be insanely busy packing and moving with two newborns, but it seemed like a better time than when they would be toddlers on the go. Plus, the cost of building supplies are really low right now and the government is giving the $6500 tax credit for repeat home buyers. Our current home is on the small side, so we knew we'd need to move into something bigger once the boys came. Now that they are here with all of their gear it became even more apparent how nice it would be to have a larger home.

Our new house will be completely finished in one week and we'll be completely moved in at that point. Over the past three weeks we've been moving stuff into the basement and garage. Our families, especially my mom, have been an enormous help in packing and moving. By next Saturday all that will be left to move into the new house is furniture, clothing, and the baby gear we use daily. We've more or less packed everything else.

I'm excited to have more space and to have a huge yard for the boys to play in when they are older. The new house sits on an almost 2 acre lot, so they'll be plenty of space for the boys to run around in--I can already see Silas & Liam running and playing in the yard! Additionally, the new house has a large "bonus room" above the 2-car garage, which will be a playroom for the boys. We think it will be the perfect house for our boys to grow up in and can't wait to get settled in.

The outside of the house from two weeks ago:

The boy's playroom before the carpet went in:

My favorite room in the house:

Update on the boys

2010-03-09T13:21:00.008-06:00

I apologize for not posting an update sooner, but I'm still adjusting to this new life with little sleep and even less time to myself (not that I'm complaining). I have been reading blogs in between feedings, diaper changes, bottle washing, and loads of laundry, but can't seem to find the energy to comment. I know that's no excuse, so I hope that you understand and accept my apology. Hopefully I'll get into a groove soon.

The boys are doing great and growing well--at the 1 month appointment Liam weighed 6lbs 6oz and Silas weighed 7lbs 3oz. Silas is still struggling with GERD (acid reflux) and had to have his meds adjusted again. Currently he's taking Zantac 2x/day and Prevacid once daily. Because Silas is so uncomfortable at night lying prone we started letting him sleep in the bouncy seat, which has made a world of difference for him at night. He no longer grunts and groans in discomfort all night long. We put one of the bouncy seats in the crib, so when the time comes the transition back to the crib will be easier. I noticed that Liam didn't sleep as well the first few nights that Silas was in the bouncy seat as he was used to his brother being next to him, but now he seems adjusted. Liam is fortunate not to have GERD.

Both boys are relatively easy going babies (knock on wood). They were previously eating every 3 hours, but have recently begun to eat every 1.5-2 hours, which makes for very tired parents! J and I do shifts at night--J does feedings up until 2am and I do the feedings after that. This allows us each a small block of sleep, but I'm on my own during the day as J is back at work. We typically feed the boys in shifts as we've found simultaneous feeding difficult at this point. Sometimes during the day I will prop them in boppies and feed them at the same time, but I find it to be awkward and prefer to feed one baby at a time. Plus, feeding them separately allows us individual cuddle time! Usually one baby will wait patiently for his turn, but this isn't always the case. Silas seems to be a little more patient than Liam, so I usually try to feed Liam first. This also gives me more time to hold Silas upright after his feeding, which is helpful for his GERD.

I quit breast feeding at the hospital because the boys weren't gaining weight (this was a suggestion of the pediatrician), but continued to pump. Unfortunately I was only getting about 2 oz/day with pumping every 2 hours around the clock. When I was putting the boys to the breast I was able to pump a lot more, but as soon as I stopped my supply dropped significantly. The constant pumping to get barely anything was so stressful and I began to resent it, so I quit pumping about 2-3 weeks ago. It just wasn't worth the stress it was causing me not to mention the time away from snuggling my little guys! I cried for an entire day and felt like a horrible mom, but in the end I'm content with the decision. I can't imagine trying to pump every 2 hours now that I'm home alone with the boys. I do feel good about what I was able to do for the boys for the first few weeks of their life and am glad that I took the time and effort to give them some breast milk.

It's cute to see the boys' personalities coming out already. Silas LOVES his pacifier and likes to sleep with it in his mouth, which is fine by us given that sucking on a pacifier is thought to reduce the risk of SIDS. He also loves to be swaddled tight. Liam will use a pacifier periodically, but isn't as attached to it. Liam absolutely despises a dirty diaper and will scream his head off if he has poop in his diaper. It's pretty easy to know when Liam is filling his diaper because he makes what we've affectionately come to refer to as his "poopy face" where he purses his lips and gets a very serious look on his face. If Liam poops while feeding, he starts crying as he's eating his bottle. Silas isn't nearly as sensitive to a dirty diaper. When Silas cries he actually sheds tears, which breaks his mommy's heart, but Liam doesn't tear when he's wailing.

Here's a few recent photos for your viewing pleasure:

One Month Old

2010-02-28T21:32:00.004-06:00

Adorable Naked Babies

2010-02-22T07:51:00.002-06:00

I snapped this photo of the boys during their photo shoot last weekend (Silas is on the right and Liam is on the left). Our dear friend, M.S., is a professional photographer and as a gift to us gave us a photo shoot with the boys. I'm anxiously awaiting the proofs of the photos. I have no doubt that they will be amazing! Although I'm not even a semi-professional photographer, I think this photo is adorable! I love how Liam has his little leg stretched out--too cute!

Two Years Ago

2010-02-16T20:25:00.006-06:00

Two years ago a giant hole was ripped through my heart. Two years ago my world came crashing down. Two years ago my life changed forever. Two years ago today I said good-bye to my first-born son, Myles. The pain may not be as sharp today as it once was, but it's still very much there. I may not cry as often or as much as I used to, but I still shed tears for my son. I miss Myles just as much today as the day two years ago when I held him in my arms and watched him fade away. I love you Mr. Myles and will remember you always!

Long-awaited Homecoming

2010-02-13T09:46:00.010-06:00

On Friday we brought the boys home! It was a very emotional day for me. I cried tears of joy and cried tears of fear. I couldn't wait to bring the boys home, but was scared to death to findally do so. I think up until the point of putting them in our car it still seemed surreal that they were ours. It was as if we were going through the motions and falling more and more in love with these two little cuties, but I felt as though I was waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under us. The moment the nurse helped us load the boys into the SUV and we drove away from the hospital it became real and that's when the tears really started to flow. Crossing the threshhold of our door also hit me hard--this was the thing that we never got to do with Myles. I flashed back to, February 16, 2008, the day when we walked through the doorway to our house without Myles. It was finally happening for us we were finally bringing our children into our house. Liam and Silas are alive and well and they are our children. After a five year journey filled with heartache and devastation we have arrived at our much anticipated, longed awaited destination--we are finally parents to not just one living child but two living children! Our dream has finally come true and we have K (and big brother Myles) to thank for this most amazing gift!

We are settling into a routine and things are going well. At night J does the 10pm to 2am shift and I do the 2am to 8am shift. After 8am we tag team the responsibilities, which we continue throughout the day, but after J goes back to work in 2.5 weeks I'll be on my own for the daytime care (well with the help of my mom, neighbors, and friends). I'm quite amazed at how quickly the days goes by. I can't really even tell you what we do all day other than feed babies, change diapers, clean bottles, laugh at the funny faces the boys make, cuddle them, and admire the boys while they sleep. We are so in love and are already enjoying our new lives!

Our Cutie Pies

2010-02-09T09:47:00.011-06:00

Silas:

Liam:

Mommy & Silas:

Daddy & Liam:

Hello everyone, it is me "K"

2010-02-08T10:34:00.004-06:00

COULD THOSE TWO BOYS BE ANY MORE DARLING?

I am of course a biased aunt, but I find them to be handsome and perfect in every way! You should see mom and dad dote over them, Niki and J are over the moon in love with these two precious little souls, and I for one could not be more excited for the four of them! They have been so fortunate to have Myles watching over them through the last week, these boys are making all forward progress on their eating, and I think they have a special big brother to thank for that. What a perfect family!

I am one week post c-section and finding that five years makes a bit of a difference on my body, I previously was recovered when I got home, but this time I'm having just a few more aches and pains, nothing to complain too much about, I just have to keep telling myself, OLDER = SLOWER... Thankfully, my staples were removed last Thursday and now I just have steri-strips which are much more comfortable. My boys are happy to have me home, but are far more excited for their next visit with Liam and Silas. :-) Oh and I have to tell you, when the boys met Liam and Silas last Sunday, it was priceless to see Liam turn his head a bit and open one eye as he clearly recognized Kolbe's (the loudest voice in our family at the age of 5) voice. Too funny.

Liam and Silas are stars around here. We have been on the news and in our local newspaper, both such beautifully written stories. It was nice to show people that surrogacy stories do have happy endings. So many people, even strangers, wrote to say "you just gave me goosebumps, its rewarding to know that there are still good people left on Earth" I found those words touching! I don't often think of my role in this journey, but rather focused on the end result, getting Niki and J healthy baby(s). So people's kind words post delivery have helped me realize the gift given. A gift I wouldn't change for ANYTHING!

I just wanted to stop by and say thank you to all of you for your support of Niki, J and I through this journey and Niki and J's journey with Myles. I never knew a cyber world like this existed, and have found such peace here! Love and well wishes to you all!

"Twice the Gift"

2010-02-04T23:00:00.007-06:00

The local TV news featured a story on our surrogacy journey. It was the headline story tonight called Twice the Gift. I think they did a nice job for a short news piece. It's so cute that at only 5 days our boys are already celebrities! :)

Update

2010-02-03T21:20:00.003-06:00

Sorry for not posting an update sooner. As you can imagine I'm pretty wiped, but most definitely not complaining! I'm madly in love with these two little peanuts and won't let sleep deprivation keep me from enjoying my dreams come true!

Both Liam and Silas are still in the Special Care Nursery. They are making great progress, but can't go home until they get better at feeding and gain some more weight. Both boys lost weight, which is expected, but haven't quite mastered the suck, swallow, breath stuff without tiring easily. Monday the pediatrician wanted to incorporate bottle feeding into our routine, so I was nursing, bottle feeding, and pumping every three hours. This meant that I'd get 1-1.5 hours of sleep at a time for about a total of 4 hours a night (the hospital gave me a room to stay here with the boys). Today we started using a supplemental nursing system, which seemed to be a better alternative for the boys, because they only had to "work" once instead of twice to get their food. Also, the boys have been given NG tube feedings to help them grow while they're improving their feeding skills. So far the boys have only been given my breast milk (and K's colostrum), but I presume my frozen supply will run out soon. At that point they'll be given formula along with the breast milk that they get while nursing and from the little I pump. I have to admit that I'm unsure how I'll be able to maintain this routine when I'm home, but I'm happy that I'm doing what I can now.

Liam's and Silas' personalities are already showing. Silas is my "wild child"--he likes to move about more and really gets demanding when he wants to feed. Liam is a little more laid back and patient. Liam is a great nurser and immediately takes to the breast, but Silas is a little more pokey. He prefers to let his brother get the milk to let down before he begins his feedings. Although both boys like to cuddle with mamma, Liam is my little snuggle bunny. He just loves to cuddle skin to skin with me after he feeds.

J is such a great daddy! He's very confident in his abilities to change diapers, give baths, and handle the boys. It melts my heart to see him loving his boys! Today J went to work, which just so happens to be at the same hospital where the boys are staying, and came to visit them several times. After work he was telling them how much he missed them and gave them kisses. It was so cute!

The Grandmas and Grandpas came to visit again today and finally got to hold the boys. I think it made their day!

I've been reading books to the boys. I started with big brother Myles' favorite book I Love You Stinky Face. I talk to them all the time and feel fairly confident that they can now recognize my voice. When I talk to them they turn their eyes to me, which warms my heart! I look at them and sometimes can't believe that they are mine. I am so very, very blessed!

K is doing quite well too! She's coming to visit the boys tomorrow and I know they are excited to see her! I know I am! K said she'd post an update, so I'll let her fill you in on how she's doing.

Our local newspaper wants to do a feature story on us, which is pretty cool, so tomorrow the photographer is coming to take some photos of us and on Friday the reporter is coming to interview us. When the article runs I'll make sure to put a link on the blog. I'm delighted that a heart-warming, beautiful story of surrogacy is going to be shared with the world. I think our story is one of inspiration and hope, so I hope others enjoy reading about it.

Off to feed my boys ...

Liam & Silas

2010-02-02T23:06:00.006-06:00

Silas:

Liam:

Happy Birthday Silas & Liam

2010-01-30T23:26:00.009-06:00

Liam Douglas and Silas Robert entered the world today at 1:21 and 1:23pm, respectively. Silas measured 5lbs 5oz, 18.5 in and Liam measured 5lbs 6oz, 18 in. Both boys are in the special care nursery, but are doing well on room air.

K is recovering well from the c-section. She was already up and walking around by 4:30pm and met the boys for the first time around 5pm. K really is a true ROCK STAR!! J and I are so in love and can't even begin to thank K enough for these two precious gifts. We are so very blessed!

It's me K...

2010-01-27T15:13:00.002-06:00

bored out of my mind on bed rest (but so not complaining because I know many of you did it for much longer then I'll have to even if I make it to 38 weeks).

Here's my update, I'm home, chillaxin as I call it and I cannot help but wonder about when these babies will come, so I'm just asking all of you twin mom's out there, how many of you were dilated to 4 and on bed rest, and how long did you make it before the babies came? Also feel free to share with me how your twin labor started! I thank you in advance for the entertainment!

It has been fun seeing Niki and J get so excited this week, and makes me remember why I chose to do this! I'm certain they are going to be remarkable parents to these boys!

An overnight stay at Labor & Delivery

2010-01-26T13:06:00.004-06:00

We thought we were going to meet our boys last night, but they weren’t quite ready for the world just yet! On Saturday K lost her mucus plug, which can be a sign of labor. Yesterday she began having contractions throughout the day while at work and wiped a little blood, so she called the clinic and they had her come in. The ob checked and she was 3 cm dilated (unsure about effacement because her cervix was high), so he sent her over to Labor & Delivery for monitoring. K had contractions throughout the night that ranged from 3-10 minutes apart and would go up and down in frequency. The boys were highly active (“wild” in K’s words) and had great accelerations and heart rates on the monitors.

K stayed at the hospital overnight for monitoring, so they could evaluate her contractions and recheck her cervix this morning. Her cervix was dilated to just under 4 cm this morning, but the contractions overnight were mild. Therefore, the ob took her off work and sent her home on modified “bed rest”--she has shower and bathroom privileges and is allowed to attend her son's P-T conference this week. K didn't get much sleep last night, so she was going to nap this afternoon. Her contractions are irregular, but she's still having the "vagina ache" as she likes to call it. The ob said he’d like to see her get to February 1. Now we just wait and see what happens!

I am in a weird place of high anxiety and confusion. I'd love for the boys to bake a little longer, but I'm also anxious for their arrival. The not knowing when they'll come is extremely hard for me as a Type A planner. You would think that infertility prepared me to be patient, but I guess I've forgotten that lesson! Also, I worry that we've come so far to let some freak event like a cord accident or placental abruption to take one of our babies. This is why I'd rather have them here with us. I know that they would be born premature and I'm not wishing for preemies, but I also know that over 5lb, 34 weekers will do well in the NICU. After having had a micro-preemie under a pound these boys are going to seem giant! At this point they'd be among the feeders and the growers in the NICU. I feel that if they were here in the world we could control more than we can with them inside the uterus. Please don't lecture me ... I know the boys are best in the uterus, but I also know how in the blink of an eye tragedy can strike in utero.

Okay, as I tell my students when they are anxious or rowdy and need to calm down ... breathe in deep and slowwwwly release!

Happy 2nd Birthday Myles!

2010-01-21T18:29:00.007-06:00

The five star ice lanterns signify the five members of our family. Myles' star is the clear one in the middle flanked by a star for Liam and Silas. The outermost ice lanterns represent Josh and me.

J's brother showed up to take some photos and sing happy birthday with us. He was kind enough to take this photo of us at Myles' grave.

I can't put into words how I'm feeling today. I feel grateful for having given birth to such an amazing little boy, yet I'm sad that Myles isn't here to help us welcome his little brothers in a few weeks. I must admit that this year I'm in a better position to celebrate Myles' life. I've cried less this year than I did last year, but that's not really saying much. I feel like each year I heal a little more, yet I'm certain I'll never stop grieving for my "Smyles". I miss him dearly and spent much of my day wondering what he'd be like today. I like to think Myles would be funny and a bit mischievious like his daddy and that he'd have a heart-melting smile with big, blue eyes like mine.

Myles

2010-01-18T21:35:00.004-06:00

by "Auntie" D.P.
(one of my bff's)

I was thinking of you today
And wishing you were here
Your Mommy and Daddy miss you so
And wish they could hold you near
I’ll never know why some things
Happen as they do
But I am so very glad
That I was able to meet you
I remember seeing your first picture
It was in black and white
The dream your parents hoped for
It was such a precious sight
Your Mommy and I talked for hours
About her hopes and dreams for you
She loved you before she met you
She would do anything for you
Your Dad was excited about the news
That a little one was on the way!
At one point he claimed he would change no diapers
“HA!” Was what your Mom had to say!
You were born so very early
And had so many odds to overcome
And Mom and Dad stayed by your side
To help you fight everyone
I remember when we first met you
I held your hand and said “Hello”
“It’s us, your Auntie and Uncle, Myles”
“And we both love you so”
We didn’t share any words
Though you spoke right to my heart
You were such an amazing little boy
And you were a fighter right from the start.
Your life on earth wasn’t long enough
An irreplaceable 26 days
You filled the hearts of your family with love
And changed us in so many ways.
I hope you like the balloons I send
Over the rainbow and headed your way
I send them on special occasions
And even for an “I miss Myles” day
I look forward to talking with your siblings
And telling them all about their brother Myles
But your Daddy will really say it best when he tells them
Myles was full of smiles
Thank you little buddy
For bringing us all such joy
You will never be forgotten Myles
You precious little boy.

33 weeks

2010-01-16T20:13:00.012-06:00

The 33 week appointment was eventful, but it went well. K is doing great--bp is still perfect! Both boys had strong heart rates and are growing right on track--Liam's weight was estimated at 4lbs 14oz and Silas' weight was estimated at 4lbs 12oz. I'm thrilled that the boys are nearly 5lbs each!

K had a biophysical profile (BPP) just like last time. Liam easily passed the BPP scoring 8/8. Silas on the other had refused to cooperate. He was very active during the scan, but didn't do enough practice breathing. The u/s tech had K roll on her side to try to get him to cooperate, but he just didn't feel like showing us his breathing. Silas would practice breathe for a few seconds, but not for the minimum 20 seconds at a time that is required during the scan. Therefore, he earned a 6/8. I was a little stressed and worried about Silas not passing the test, but K's ob and the u/s tech didn't seem too worried. They tried to reassure me that all was likely okay.

Because Silas didn't pass the BPP K had to have a non-stress test (NST). During the NST both Silas and Liam were monitored in addition to K's contractions. In order to pass the NST the babies need to have at least 2 accelerations of heart rates during a 20 minute time period. The nurse gave K some apple juice to give the babies a sugar boost to get them going. Liam who's normally the calm baby was bouncing all over and had his 2 accelerations almost immediately, but the little stinker, Silas, decided to take a nap. Finally towards the end of the time period Silas had a couple of small accelerations, which were enough for the ob to call it good, and let K go home. As soon as K got home Silas "went into overdrive" with his activity. I guess we have one little boy who's already strong-willed and does his own thing.

It's me K....

2010-01-13T08:02:00.003-06:00

Hello everyone! I'm finally finding time to update you guys on me! As you all know from Niki's last posting, I am having menstrual like cramps, and they have continued, BUT not changed. Our OB thinks this is business as usual with twins, and isn't worried in the least. He did tell me if I start have consistent global contractions, to call ASAP! So far none of that. Which is good, because we need to get to 34 weeks so we can deliver closer to home, near our families and especially my two boys! I am still working 3 days a week in surgery, my co-workers are good to me and don't push me, I suspect I'll owe them big when this is over ;-)

Can you believe this pregnancy is just hours away from 33 weeks! I find that thrilling for multiple reasons, first and foremost these babies will be healthy and well! Second of all Niki and J are going to get to give Myles siblings, and love these boys to pieces. As it turns out I'm also getting excited to rid myself of heartburn, move a bit easier and enjoy a stiff drink after all is said and done. (Don't get me wrong I've enjoy this pregnancy, but it is about that time) After all my uterus is measuring 45 weeks, so walking around 5 weeks overdue takes a lot from a person, lol!

I hope you are all well, and as always thank you for supporting Niki during this journey, you are an amazing group of people who all deserve the best!

K's having mestrual-like cramps

2010-01-10T21:05:00.004-06:00

Since yesterday K has been having menstrual-like cramps. They aren't contractions (although she's had B-H contractions on and off for weeks), but rather feel like period cramps. She called the on-call ob who told her that the cramping could continue and then quit (irritable uterus) or it could lead to contractions (pre-term labor). He told her to take it easy and call if anything changes. It's not surprising that K's uterus is irritable from Liam kicking down on her cervix and all the pressure from two babies, but it has me worried. K has been relaxing with her feet up, which is tough for her as she's always on the go, and has been hydrating well. I'm guessing that her ob will want to see her before our scheduled appointment on Friday and will check her cervix to make sure she isn't dilating. I'll feel better when we hear back from our ob because I trust his judgement better than that of the on-call ob. Please keep K and the babies in your thoughts and prayers. We'd love for them to keep baking for at least 12 more days--34 weeks is the initial goal!

Pumping and Breastfeeding Class

2010-01-07T21:13:00.005-06:00

First I must say thank you for your kind words, encouragement, and suggestions. It means a lot to me to have all of your support. I'm still pumping away every 2-3 hours and all I can say is thank goodness for Medela Hydrogel Pads--they are like a cool piece of heaven on my sore nipples! I emailed Lenore, the woman who pioneered the lactation induction protocol that I'm using with Dr. Newman, and she made me feel better about how things are progressing. Here's what she had to say:

"As for your current impending arrival, you have done all the right things. Inducing a milk supply proceeds quite differently from lactation following a birth. The reason for this is that we can only approximate some of the hormones involved during pregnancy and we're missing a big one....human placental lactogen which is only present during pregnancy. We approach inducing lactation as a two phase process. The hormones can only do so much in phase 1 which is developing the milk making structures. Phase 2 is building the milk supply. To do that it is vitally important that you pump at least 8 times per 24 hours for about 20-30 minutes each time. According to research out of Australia, frequency of milk expression is more important than duration. We typically suggest fenugreek and blessed thistle along with domperidone once you stop the birth control pill and begin pumping. It generally takes about a week for the birth control pill to leave your system. It suppresses milk production while building the breast tissue. Once the milk starts flowing, it tends to build and build. Keep up the great work and your supply should build and build."

I felt much better after reading Lenore's response as she induced lactation herself and has worked with many others who've done it. At least I now know that my response isn't atypical and that I'm on track. I'm adding the herbs this weekend (after I get them) and plan to increase my dom dose to 3 tablets 4x/day (thanks for the suggestion Saffy!). Even without these changes I have already experienced an increase in milk production at each pumping. Last week I just had droplets forming on my nipples that didn't drip into the bottles, but this week I get a few mL that drip into the bottles with each pumping. I'm getting at least 2oz a day from my 8 pumpings. At this point I only pump once in the night around 1:30am, but then sleep until 5:30am and don't pump again until 6:30am. In about 2 weeks I plan to add a 3:30am pumping. I have to pump around 6:30am because I need to leave my house no later than 7:10am to get to school to start teaching at 7:35am. I can't pump again until 11:25am, so I want to have that morning pump as close to 7am as possible.

On Tuesday night J and I attended a breastfeeding class. I was nervous about going. The thought of sitting in a room full of pregnant women isn't the most appealing situation for me (thanks infertility!). It doesn't help that I'm obviously not pregnant and would get some funny looks. As I expected I did get a few stares despite arriving late and sitting in the back. We had to go around the room to introduce ourselves by stating our name(s), EDD, and gender of the baby(ies). I said "I'm Niki. This is my husband J. We are expecting twins via my cousin, our surrogate." I was so flustered that I forgot to mention the genders, so J added "boys ... the twins are boys". I'm sure that everyone in the room was curious why I was at a breastfeeding class (except the teacher ... she was thrilled that I was there), but no one asked. Instead they tried to steal curious looks at me. Nothing like feeling like a complete anomaly.

I thought the class was informational, but J couldn't help himself. He whispered jokes to me throughout the whole class. His favorite, that he's stil saying, is "Niki, can I get time at breast?" The teacher kept referring to "time at breast", so J couldn't help himself. Yep, I'm married to a man who often acts like a teenager. I appreciated J keeping the mood light, which he always does, but I felt bad for giggling. Although he's a jokester, J did take the class seriously and learned a lot. I think the stats they presented will help J to be even more supportive of my efforts.

We signed up for a newborn care class that meets next week. I think I'll be less uncomfortable at this class than I was at the breastfeeding class.

Feeling Discouraged Already

2010-01-03T22:07:00.004-06:00

For those of you who don't know I'm using Dr. Newman's Regular Protocol for inducing lactation. I started the protocol around 10-11 weeks gestation and just last Tuesday (12/29) stopped the hormones and began pumping with the Medela Symphony. I pump every 2-3 hours for 15 minutes (plan to start pumping for 20 min) and take domper.idone 30mg 3x/day. On my first pump I had droplets of milk on my nipples, which continued throughout day 1, and on day 2 I had droplets that dripped into the bottles (probably about 1-2mL total). I've seen a similar pattern for the last few days--I get droplets that drip into the bottle, but don't amount to much more than a 1-2mL. I certainly don't see any spraying of breast milk and although my breasts are larger I don't think they swell with milk. I don't know what to expect as I don't know anyone else who's done this and I'm already feeling discouraged and down.

I am worried that my hormonal imbalance caused by PCOS is going to prevent me from getting a good milk supply. I was able to pump for Myles, but never produced very much. I took out my pumping book and discovered that I was pumping about an 1-2 oz per pumping session for an average daily pumping total of 14 oz per day. I know this is a low supply and I think this fact coupled with my response from the first few days of pumping is making me think that I'm not going to produce much again. It makes me think that I'm just wasting my time in addition to the money I'm spending on renting the pump, buying the domperi.done and herbal supplements.

I just started drinking Mother's Milk tea 3x/day and tomorrow will begin using More Milk Special Blend at 1/4 tsp 4x/day.

I was in tears tonight thinking that I won't be able to do this for my boys. I couldn't bring them into the world, but was hoping that my body would do something for them. I feel bad for whining when I'm so fortunate to be expecting two babies. This is the first time during the entire pregnancy when I've felt bad for not being able to physically do anything for them. Maybe the hormone drop from stopping the birth control pills and the rise in my prolactin levels is making me emotional, but whatever it is it stinks! I honestly feel a little bit like a failure--I feel like I'm failing my boys already and they aren't even here yet.

31 Weeks

2009-12-31T13:39:00.007-06:00

K is still doing amazingly well! Today at 31wks she's measuring 43wks. Her blood pressure is great and swelling minimal. Both boys had heart rates in the 140s and appear to be growing based on K's ever expanding belly. We didn't have an ultrasound today, so we'll have to wait until 1/15 to see them.

K has been having contractions periodically, but mainly seem to come after she's been standing all day at work. Even these are few and far between and don't seem to be anything to worry about. Yesterday was the first day that K was a little worried about contractions. Liam is still breech and kicks down on her cervix hard. While kicking down yesterday he was causing some painful contractions that spread upwards from the cervix. Fortunately Liam settled down and so did the contractions. The ob said that this often happens when the uterus becomes irritable from the direct kicks to the cervix and didn't seem slightly phased by this news. He did mention that he can probably schedule the c-section for 38wks, which would be 2/19, but doesn't seem too optimistic that she'll get to that point because according to the ob over half of of twins are born by 37wks.

The ob does feel quite confident that the boys won't come before 34wks, which is encouraging to us! If they do come before 34wks, K will be transferred to a different hospital with a Level III NICU. I asked to have her transferred to a different hospital than the one where I delivered Myles--too many memories. I think the NICU care Myles received was wonderful, but I just don't want to go back to that place. The ob and K understood and were fine with that. We're feeling confident that this won't even be an issue because these boys are going to bake for at least 3 more weeks! Keep your fingers crossed for us! It seems surreal for me to think that in a month I could have two babies! WOW, WOW, WOW!! It makes me teary to even think about. K you are AMAZING and my angel on Earth!

Happy New Year's Eve! I can't wait for 2010 ... it's going to be an AMAZING year!

The Nursery

2009-12-30T21:49:00.011-06:00

Lactation Induction: Pumping Day 1

2009-12-29T09:29:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I picked up the Med.ela Symphony pump I'm renting from one of the local hospitals. The lactation consultant who helped me was fabulous! She was thrilled to hear that I was able to get Domperi.done and that I'm using it to induce lactation. Apparently it's difficult to get a prescription for the meds from local docs, so she said to consider myself lucky. We discussed my previous experience pumping and she mentioned that new research suggests that PCOS causes low milk supply, which they think has something to do with failure to develop mammary tissue early on in development, but the supply troubles can range from mild to severe. The lactation consultant palpated my breasts to feel for mammary tissue and she indicated that I have a "good amount", so she doesn't think that should be an issue. However, I didn't produce a ton of milk while I was pumping for Myles, but there were so many factors (prematurity, magnesium sulfate, preeclampsia) that could've affected my supply. I'm going into this realistically and am aware that I will likely have to supplement with formula, particularly because I'll be feeding two, but I'm going to do my best to produce what I can.

When I pumped for Myles I used the Med.ela Lactina and the standard in the NICU, but decided to rent the Symphony because it's extremely quiet and has a new two-phase expression (starts fast and then slows), which is supposed to simulate the natural sucking of a baby. Being that I hadn't used this pump the lactation consultant asked me if I wanted to try it in front of her, so I did. Within a couple of seconds I already had milk droplets pooling on my nipples. I can't tell you how excited I was to see that and the lactation consultant was just giddy!

Today I officially began the pumping phase of the lactation induction protocol. I pumped for 15 minutes and will do that every 3 hours. It went well and again I produced several droplets of milk from each breast. I didn't really have anything to collect, so I just rubbed the milk into my skin as suggested by the consultant. I've read that I should start to see the my milk supply come in and increase over the next few weeks. I'm hoping this is true because it's going to be tough pumping all the time if I'm not seeing any results. I will just have to remind myself that it will get better when the boys come and that I'm doing this for them!

Something Fun

2009-12-27T13:41:00.005-06:00

I just bought a set of 12 of these stickers called Picky Sticky that you put on your baby's onsie each month to chronicle their growth through photos. My friend, J, recommended them, and I thought they were so adorable that I had to buy them! I think they will make for some cute scrapbook pages! I ordered a set for each of the boys (Watch me Grow - Mister Fister) and a girly set (Watch me Grow - Missy Fissy) for a friend who's expecting a little girl around the same time the boys are due (if you are reading this S.H. don't go buying yourself any because yours are on their way!).

Thinking ahead ...

2009-12-20T20:51:00.005-06:00

On Friday night we picked up the 2nd crib and mattress in addition to the two extra car seat bases, so we officially have all the big stuff now. Although we probably won't use both cribs right away, we're going to put it up sometime this week. Once the 2nd crib is up I'll hang the names above the cribs along with the custom paintings that match the bedding. At that point the nursery will be completely done and I'll take some photos.

Tonight I made a list of things I still need to get to be ready for the arrival of these boys. I just need a few small things like cloth diapers to use as burp rags, two extra mattress pads, a couple of extra crib sheets, butt paste, baby laundry detergent, a big can of formula, and a stockpile of diapers (NB and Size 1) and unscented wipes. I also made an Ex.cel spreadsheet to use as a daily log for each baby's feeding and diapering. This chart includes columns for the following: date, time, nursing (right), nursing (left), breast milk (oz), formula (oz), pee, poop, and comments. Is there anything else I should add to it?

I haven't talked much about it here, but I am inducing lactation. I have been on the meds (birth control pills and Dom.peridone) since around 10-12wks gestation and I'll begin pumping next week. The meds have been quite easy to take and the only thing I've noticed is an increase in my breast size and occasional tenderness. According the protocol I should start pumping 6 weeks prior to the EDD, but they advise expectant twin moms to begin pumping at 30wks instead of 34wks in case the babies come early, so technically Friday is my pump start date. However, I decided not to begin this process while I'm at the in-laws for the holidays (that would be uncomfortable not to mention stressful) and will actually start on 12/28. Although I pumped with Myles, I'm a little nervous to start the pumping phase of the protocol. I guess it's because I don't know what to expect with inducing and I'm a little worried about how it will go while I'm working. I'm supposed to pump every 3 hours, but won't be able to do that in the morning at work. I teach 1st through 4th periods, so I'll pump at 7am and then at 11:30am (lunch). It's not ideal, but there's not much I can do about it. Carrying the rented hospital grade pump (Med.ella Symphony) back and forth to work isn't going to be much fun either. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the one thing that my body can do for my babies and the bonding while breast feeding will be wonderful, so all the hard work will be worth it!

Last week I made two appointments with local pediatricians to "interview" them. We have to choose a doctor for the boys and wanted to find the perfect fit, so we are doing 20 minute "meet and greet" appointments with each one. Both of these doctors come highly recommended by friends and family, so I'm sure one will be the person to oversee our babies' care.

On the legal front we're moving forward as well. Our attorney will be going to court soon to obtain our pre-birth order (legal document to get our names on the birth certificate as soon as the boys arrive). We were fortunate enough to get the judge who's familar with surrogacy and open-minded. Next week our attorney is meeting with the judge to make sure she has everything she needs in order before the appearance in court. We're excited to have this important issue squared away!

**K are you happy now? ;) K was tired of logging onto the blog and seeing her beautiful pregnant self, so she wanted me to post something. Of course I'll happily do anything for K, so I posted something!

28 wk Appointment

2009-12-15T19:19:00.009-06:00

K is doing an amazing job all the while looking absolutely beautiful! K joked that I have to tell her that, but the ob agreed and said he doesn't have to say it. Everyone who sees K agrees that she wears pregnancy so well and even carrying twins she looks amazing! K's belly round and so big--she's measuring 40wks! Her blood pressure was great around 112/62 and her weight gain was right on track. K had the gestational diabetes test today and will find out the results in a couple of days. She now starts every other week appointments, but we won't have another scan until 32wks.

Both boys are doing great! They were practice breathing and both scored 8/8 on the biophysical profile (BPP). The boys are measuring on target for their gestational age! Liam (Baby A) is 2lb 7oz and is in the 39th percentile whereas Silas (Baby B) is 2lb 11oz and is in the 50th percentile. I was concerned that both aren't closer in weight and that Liam is no longer in the 50th percentile, but our ob reassured me that there is nothing to be concerned about. Once again he's very pleased with how everything is going with the boys and K.

Liam was cooperative right away and showed us his face in a 2D image, but when we wanted to get a 3D look at his face he wouldn't turn around (he's breech facing K's body).

Silas was extremely active during the scan and flipped from a transverse position to a head down position. Silas gave us a sneak peak look at his face in 3D, but kept his arm covering half of his face. I think he's absolutely adorable and so does K, but we are a bit partial! Silas' round nose is so cute! K says his lips are kissable and I couldn't agree more. I'd like to think Silas gets the lucious lips from his mommy!

Sensationalism of Surrogacy

2009-12-13T16:54:00.003-06:00

The NY Times posted yet another disheartening article about surrogacy, Building a Baby, With Few Ground Rules. I absolutely despise how the media treats infertility and surrogacy. Both are typically presented in such an extremly biased, one-sided, negative light and it's utterly maddening to me. Some of the stereotypes that the media likes to perpetuate include the following ... Infertiles are horrible people who should "just adopt" or aren't supposed to have children (natural selection). Surrogates are horrible women who "steal" other people's babies. Surrogates carry other people's babies for the money. Intended moms are depicted as women who don't want to lose their girlish figure by having a baby and/or are too career driven to take time to carry their own baby(ies). Intended parents are highly educated affluent members of society while surrogates are impoverished and uneducated. This is just a few of the horrible things that the media likes to use to grab reader's attention and make a few bucks. I find all of these stereotypes to be disgusting and extremely disappointing. I challenge members of the media to do a better job. I challenge them to present the positive aspects of both infertility and surrogacy.

I have been involved in a battle with infertility for 5 years and during this time I've met some of the kindest, most compassionate women I know. These women are waging their own war with infertility and are also going to great lengths to share their lives with a child. Along the way these women have likely encountered harsh criticism for their efforts not only from the media, but sometimes from family and friends too. Early in my war I dealt with this more often, but with every battle my skin thickened and I managed to better deal with the criticism. I decided that most of the critism I had encountered came from people's ignorance about the emotional, social, and financial struggles of infertility, which is why I became so vocal with my own struggle. I felt that if I could educate people using my experience they would be less likely to criticize others going through infertility and more likely to lend support and encouragement. I just wish that the media would follow suit.

I wish that the media would present some of the positive stories that exist in the world of infertility and surrogacy. I wish they would see some of the faces of the 10% of US women who have difficulty getting and/or staying pregnant. There are about 6 million of us out here, so it's likely that most people know someone who's been waging their own war against infertility (often alone in secrecy). I challenge newspapers, magazines, and news programs to focus on the women behind those statistics and show the goodness in them.

I also challenge the media to present one of the beautiful, surrogacy journies that exist. There are plenty of them to choose from. I would even volunteer to share ours and K's story. Our story is one of love, compassion, generosity, and gratitude. We have a wonderful relationship that grows stronger with each day. The two little boys who are going to enter this world in February because of K have an amazing life story to tell and will be the luckiest boys on the planet. Without K our boys wouldn't have a future story to tell and we wouldn't be able to experience parenthood with a living child. Surrogates offer up themselves to help loving people become parents who otherwise couldn't. Many form life-long bonds with their intended parents and get to watch the babies they brought into this world grow up. Surrogacy creates families and to me there isn't anything more beautiful than that. This should be what the media shares with the world about surrogacy!

Feeling Anxious

2009-12-09T20:48:00.002-06:00

Today I had a snow day and I spent the entire day writing my sub plans. I plan to take the rest of the school year off, so I had to do plans for almost an entire semester for two different courses. It's a ton of work to say the least, but its done now and I feel great about it! On another good note I found a great long-term sub, so I won't worry about my students for a second while I'm gone (not that I'll have time to).

Tonight I've started worrying about K having the babies early. I don't really have any reason to worry about this (no contractions, pain or anything), but I'm still worrying. I am hoping for at least 6 more weeks of baby baking!

All of a sudden I'm starting to feel very anxious about becoming a mommy to twins. I feel like there's so much I don't know about babies and I worry that I won't be a very good mommy to them. I worry that with two of them and only one of me things are going to be very tough. I worry that they'll both need me at the same time and I won't be able to do what I need to for them both at once. I asked one of my close friends how to hold two newborns at once and she said "I don't know. You'll have to tell me." This makes me nervous that none of my closest friends will be able to provide any advice because they haven't had twins. I love these boys so much already, so I'm not worried about not bonding or anything like that. I simply worry that I'll do something (or more likely many things) wrong that will somehow hurt them. I guess the logistics of two babies and my ignorance of babies/baby stuff are really causing me anxiety right now. I wonder if this is normal for expecting moms? I didn't get to this point in my pregnancy with Myles, so I didn't ever feel this way. And when he was born I had a whole different set of worries. Please tell me if you felt any of these things.

Baby Showered

2009-12-06T21:16:00.015-06:00

This weekend was a weekend of baby showers. On Friday night my STELLA girls hosted a quaint shower for me that was tons of fun! The monkey theme started with the adorable invitation continued to diapering the stuffed monkey and ended with yummy banana splits for dessert. I had a fantastic time and think everyone else did as well! We had many laughs, ate great food, and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. The only thing missing from this STELLA event was the scrapbooking! Thanks D, A, B, J, and M--you girls rock!

Today I had another baby shower. This one was hosted by my two long-time friends, J and L. L and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten and we've both been friends with J since 6th grade. I love J and L dearly and can't thank them enough for working so hard (with my Mom's help) to make the day very special. I was so pleased that a couple of my friends from out of town were able to make it today (so good to see you M and S) and although two of my close out of state friends couldn't make they sent gifts to let me know that they were there in spirit (thanks B & Dr. E). Today's baby shower was the biggest one I've had, yet it was still personal and tons of fun.

I really am one lucky girl! The boys'nursery is overflowing with baby gear, their closet is full of adorable clothes, and I couldn't be happier. I am so thankful for K, her amazing gift, and for all of my wonderful friends and family! Thank you to everyone for sharing in our excitement! We are truly blessed!

Today's Nursery Project: Crib #1

2009-12-01T20:46:00.004-06:00

Tonight J and I assembled the above crib--we made a good team and had it together in about an hour. This crib is a baby shower gift from my two best friends, L and J(the mattress is a baby shower gift from their moms). J and L are hosting the "big" baby shower (#5) this coming Sunday at my parent's house. They figured it was easier to deliver the crib to our house rather than taking it to my parent's for me to bring back to my house with all of the other gifts I'll have. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and can't thank them enough for such a generous gift! L and J you both know I love you dearly!

I was excited all day to put the crib together and couldn't stop staring at it when it was done. I immediately put the bedding on the crib to get the full effect. Unfortunately, my matching mobile doesn't fit on the crib, so I won't be able to use it. The crib is beautiful and very sturdy. After the showers this weekend we will order the other crib even though we could probably get along with just one for awhile. I like to have everything in order, so I want to get ther other one now too. The boys are really going to love them!

Baby Shower #3

2009-11-29T19:24:00.013-06:00

My mother-in-law, K, hosted a baby shower for me yesterday. Many of the family was there to celebrate our expecting with me. The party was quite a lovely event. We played some fun games, Name the Baby Animal, Baby Babble (word scramble), and a game where you had to mate the baby socks as quickly as you could. The photo below shows the basket full of cute, little baby socks we used for the sock mating game. I clearly need some practice mating socks as I only got 4 in the alloted time.

I received many wonderful gifts: baby outfits, many onesies, diaper pail, diapers, wipes, vaporizer, health care kit, bottles, bottle cooler, bibs, space saver high chair, baby food, spoons/forks, burp cloths, car seats, pacifiers, books, picture frames, lullaby CDs, and toys.

I am so grateful for everything I received, but the best gifts of all were the two handmade quilts my mother-in-law gave me. She quilted both blankets with love for us and her future grandbabies. Although they are each quite different, both are absolutely beautiful! One has safari animals on it and the other is a pinwheel quilt with fun, bright colors.

Today I spent about two hours in the nursery putting things away and trying to organize it. Although I still have to wash all of the baby clothes, I did cut off the tags and organized them by size and type. The outfits are hanging in the closet, the onsies, sleepers, and gowns are folded in the dresser, the newborn diapers are placed in a basket next to the changing table, and the toys are in baskets. The room is starting to look more and more like a nursery. Here's a sneak peak ...

Giving Thanks

2009-11-25T22:58:00.002-06:00

I have so much to be thankful for this year:

1. The 26 days that I was able to spend with my sweet Myles
2. Beautiful K, her rock star uterus, and her amazing, supportive family
3. Liam and Silas--two healthy, growing baby boys
4. My "rock" and the man who makes me laugh--my husband, J
5. My loving family and friends (this includes my blogosphere friends)
6. My cuddly furbabies--Asha and Elvis
7. My good health
8. My family and friends' good health
9. Knowing that my babies are thriving in a safe place
10. Beautiful K's amazing love and generosity (yep, I just can't say it enough)
11. Two of the best legal gurus around (thank you H & M)
12. Having an enjoyable career
13. Being financially stable and knowing how to properly manage money
14. Having been able to experience pregnancy (even if it was only for 25+4wks)
15. Living in a nice, warm home in a safe neighborhood
16. The kindness and generosity of strangers
17. IVF and the genetic technologies that made my children possible
18. Dr. S (my RE who gave me Myles, Liam, and Silas)
19. Dr. D (K's ob who is taking such great care of her!)
20. Monthly ultrasounds (aka, my monthly sneak peaks at the boys)
21. Great food, great wine, and great conversation
22. Access to clean water and clean air
23. Being able to walk through my neighborhood and feel safe
24. Strong coffee and dark chocolate
25. Sunshine, sunsets, and rainbows
26. Comedies and love stories
27. Great music of all kinds
28. Cute fashion accessories (scarves, handbags, jewelry...)
29. All shades of pink and purple
30. Wonderful, beautiful, amazing, awe-inspiring K

25wks 4days

2009-11-24T14:05:00.003-06:00

Today K is 25+4wks pregnant, which is a significant point in this pregnancy for me, and I'll be very, very happy to move past this point. 25+4wks is the exact day when I gave birth to Myles. I am crossing my fingers, begging the universe, and hoping with all my might that these babies don't make such an early entrance into this world. I'm somewhat comfortable with the boys coming a few weeks early, but not any earlier than 34weeks! I do get the real possibility of them being born prematurely, particularly with twins, but I know that I just can't have two more micropreemies. And I definitely don't think I could survive the loss of another child. Tonight I will drink some wine with "my girls" and try not to think about it...

Baby Shower #2

2009-11-22T20:01:00.009-06:00

Today was my 2nd baby shower and it was perfect. This was a quaint luncheon hosted by my sweet Aunt B. We met for lunch at a small gourmet diner in a small town along the Mississippi River. Our table was near the window, so we could look out on the river and watch the fishermen enjoying the beautiful fall day. Aunt B wanted an intimate gathering to celebrate the upcoming arrival of the twins. There were six of us in attendance (K couldn't make it) and it was perfect! I was able to chat with my Aunt, her mom M, my cousin H, my Mom, and my soon to be sister in law, T. I'm very happy that we were able to do this because my cousin, H, is due to have a baby in a few weeks and likely won't make the big baby shower on 12/6.

Cousin, H, and her dear husband, T, spent time making a beautiful diaper cake composed of diapers, onesies, bottles (hidden on the inside for support), spoons, and baby toys. Aunt B brought a beautiful flower arrangement too. In addition to great conversation we enjoyed delicious pasta, wine, and sinfully delectable desserts. To top off a wonderful lunch the weather was in the upper 50's, which is something to celebrate in WI in late November. It really was a perfect afternoon! Thanks Aunt B for making me feel so special! I love you!

24 Week Growth Scan

2009-11-18T21:06:00.010-06:00

The growth scan went very well today. Both boys are growing right on target--weighing in at 1lb 10oz each, which puts them in the 54th percentile. The amniotic fluid levels are great and both boys are still boys! ;) Baby A was more than happy to show us his face, his boy parts, and the rest of his anatomy, but Baby B didn't really want to show us his face. He was lying face down for the scan, but we did manage to see his boy bits after a little maneuvering and by angling the probe the u/s tech managed to get a photo of his face.

K is doing awesome and all is well with her too! She really is a rock star! K's blood pressure was 110/60, which was a huge relief to me, and her weight gain is ideal for twins. Her belly is very big and absolutely beautiful! Suprisingly with that big belly K doesn't have one single stretch mark. K's twin baby belly is stunning!

The Boys' Names

2009-11-17T20:43:00.003-06:00

I've decided to completely let the cat out of the bag. The boys will be named ...

Silas Robert and Liam Douglas

I like how the names Silas and Liam sound together. They aren't too similar, but also don't clash. Both first names are strong names and seem like a good fit for our strong, growing boys! The middle names are paternal family names: Robert was my grandfather's name, is my dad's middle name, and my uncle's first name (K's Dad) while Douglas is J's dad and brother's middle name. K has been calling the boys Silas and Liam for a few weeks now, so they're probably getting used to hearing their names!

Tomorrow we have a growth scan and I can't wait to see my two little monkeys on the u/s screen! I'm hoping to have a couple of good pictures of the boys to put on the blog tomorrow afternoon.

Asha Update: my sweet little Princess is holding her own. She's been eating a bit more with the increase in sub-q fluids, which we're doing daily now (it flushes the toxins from her body). We do give Asha an anabolic steroid called Stano.zol every other day to help stimulate her appetite, but when she's in a crash mode nothing seems to help her to eat. For those of you who don't know Asha has chronic renal failure (CRF), which is a progressive, fatal kidney disease. She was diagnosed in Aril '08 and we've been actively treating her since then. Fortunately CRF isn't painful (just uncomfortable at times), so by doing what we are doing we're not prolonging a poor quality of life, but rather giving her time to love and enjoy us just as we love and enjoy her. We will continue to do this until the day comes when it's clear she's lost her fight. My parent's cat, Schnitzel, had CRF and my mom has assured me that we'll know when the day comes that it time to let her go. She says that Asha will no longer be Asha. I just hope that day isn't any day in the near future. Until then we will savor every moment we have with our special little girl. (As I type this she's sprawled across my lap.)

Bargaining with the Universe

2009-11-15T19:11:00.004-06:00

I need to apologize for being a bad blog commenter. I'm reading, but just don't have it in me to comment. I've had a horrible cold, we're in a very scary part of the pregnancy for me, and my cat is really sick again (see below). I will try to be better this week. Must. Pull. Self. Out. Of. Dark. Hole!

I'm grateful not to have H1N1 or any other flu strain, but man this cold is kicking my butt! I've had it for 10 days and it's been pretty rough. It started as a mildly sore throat and progressed into nasal congestion and cough. I'm still struggling with the nasal congestion and accompanying headaches. Eating healthy, taking vitamins, drinking tons of water, and medicating with over the counter cold meds haven't seemed to help much. I've even resorted to using Air.borne, which I'm certain only works because people think it works (placebo anyone?!), but I figure I'll try anything at this point. Plus, the extra Vitamin C and Zinc it contains can't hurt me and might actually help support my struggling immune system.

We've reached viability so if the babies were born now they'd have a chance. Albeit the chance of their survival at this point is not a good one, but a chance nonetheless. According to the March of Dimes "the chances of survival at 24 weeks are 60%, and the chances of having a handicap due to the early birth are 60%, as well. Babies born at 26 weeks have a 95% chance of survival and their handicap risk drops to 40%; just two more weeks makes a big difference in [a] baby's outlook." Well you all know how much 2 weeks helped us, so that does little to reassure me. I'm just hoping with all my might that the babies are not born anytime soon.

My sweet little cat, Asha, is having one of her renal crash episodes and I'm worried she won't make it this time. Every other time Asha's crashed she managed to recover with our help (we give her "kitty dialysis" every 1-2 days). Right now our biggest problem is her unwillingness to eat. She's lost weight, which isn't good because she only weighs 6.6lbs to start. The other day she was down to 6.2 and I'm guessing she's less today. I can feel her little spine and it makes me so sad. We feed her chicken, tuna, salmon, and turkey. Today she ate some tuna and a little kibble, but not enough. I'm going to start adding turkey and chicken baby food (the kind without onions) back to the mix to try to get her to eat. I may even have to do some force feeding, which I can't stand, but she needs to eat more. Renal failure makes her feel nauseated, so she won't eat. It's frustrating and stressful.

I find myself doing some bargaining with the Universe. I keep saying that I'm willing to give up something or I say I'll try to be a better person if the babies stay healthy and grow strong. I've even had the thought that I'd let Asha go if it meant that the babies would come safe and sound. How messed up is that? What kind of pet parent am I to offer my sweet little Princess in exchange for two healthy baby boys? This bargaining point makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel guilty. I blame myself for Asha's crash ... like my mental bargain with the Universe resulted in her crash. The reality is that I don't want to lose Asha and I really don't think I should have to lose her so the babies live. I guess I'm so accustomed to bad things happening to me, so much so that I'm assuming something bad must happen. Other people go throughout their lives living blissfully, so why can't I do the same? I want Asha to recover. I want her to meet the boys. I want both boys to arrive big and strong in February. Am I asking for too much?

Rough weeks ahead

2009-11-11T21:12:00.002-06:00

As you can see from my ticker K is currently in her 23rd week of pregnancy. This probably doesn't seem like a significant week to most, but to me it is hugely significant. No we're not at viability quite yet, but 23wks has personal significance to me. While I was pregnant with Myles I was diagnosed with preeclampsia in my 23rd week of pregnancy and was put on home bedrest. Late in the 24th week they discovered that Myles was severely IUGR, which made my preeclampsia diagnosis severe and I was hospitalized. Early in the morning at 25+5 wks I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and was forced to deliver Myles via emergency c-section to save my life. So, weeks 23-26 of pregnancy are terrifying for me even when someone else is carrying my babies.

I know that the babies are much, much safer with K and I know that her blood pressure is great, yet I worry. How can I not worry? I keep reminding myself that both babies were measuring 1 week ahead at our last u/s (Myles was already 1.5wks behind at the same point). Next week we have a growth scan and I'm hoping that this will alleviate some worries for me (at least for a couple of weeks). I very much need to see that these babies are weighing over a pound already. I need to see that these babies have grown. I need to see that these boys are healthy and well. We need to get over this hurdle.

Baby Gifts from Cyberfriends

2009-11-08T20:06:00.005-06:00

I am feeling so lucky and blessed. Not only do I have beautiful K carrying two healthy boys who are growing big and strong, but I also have so many wonderful friends and family. Some of my friends I know in real life while while others I only know through blogs and messages boards. Most of the women I know in cyberspace have been touched by infertility, preeclampsia, and/or baby loss. These are the women who completely "get it" because they've lived through it and somehow managed to survive the nightmare. These women can lift and warm my soul in ways that others can't.

Last week I received a couple of packages in the mail from women I haven't had the privilege of meeting. One of the gifts was a Moby wrap and came from a fellow blogger, Meg at On the Wrong Side of the Statistics. When I asked for advice about baby carriers sweet Meg shared her love for the Moby wrap and offered to mail me an extra, brand-new Moby wrap that she had received for a shower gift. I was so touched by this random act of kindness. Meg has suffered who own share of heartache and loss on her journey and is now blessed with a beautiful son. I feel so lucky to be on the receiving end of Meg's generosity and can't wait to carry my boys in the carrier when they arrive. Thank you so much Meg for your kindness!

The other gifts came from a fellow preeclampsia survivor and IVF vet, JC. I met JC on IVFC while I was cycling in July '07 and have "known" her ever since. When Myles died JC and her dear husband sent us a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I was deeply touched by JC's willingness to reach out to me in a time of deep and utter despair. Although we had been chatting on-line for several months, we were virtual strangers. I won't forget this amazing act of kindness. I may not know J in real life, but I have been touched by her warm, caring personality. Through the miracle of IVF J has been blessed with 4 beautiful boys (her oldest are twins) and she sent me two gifts that she couldn't live without. One is a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins by Marc Weissbluth and a cd of baby lullabies by Nicollette Larson (which are peaceful, melodic sounds). I hope that both of these items work as well for us with our boys as they did for JC and her boys! Thank you so much JC--you are such a kind soul!

Baby Shower #1

2009-11-01T21:04:00.011-06:00

As I drove to this baby shower I kept feeling like I'd forgotten to bring a gift and I had to keep reminding myself that this shower was for ME! I've spent the last 5 years going to and hosting baby showers for others all the while wishing that it was my turn. And now here I am reminiscing about my very first baby shower--it's finally my turn! K, her mom, L, and her SIL, A, did a great job--the food was great, the cake was adorable, the games were fun, and the gifts were plentiful. A made K and I corsages--mine said "Mommy to be" and K's said "Oven". They were so cute! Not only is K carrying our babies, but she worked hard to make today a very special day for me. I really am one lucky girl! Here are some photos from the day:

K was pampered a little today too. She received several gift certificates for spa treatments and other items in addition to the scarf I gave her. K continues to look beautiful. As my Aunt N said today K is "all belly":

On the way home from the baby shower we saw a huge, stunning rainbow spanning across the sky. My dear friend, D, said "aww, it's Myles ... somewhere over the rainbow". It gave me goosebumps to think of my sweet little angel Myles sending me a message on this special day. We stopped to take a photograph:

Look what I got in the mail yesterday ...

2009-10-29T21:39:00.006-05:00

This awesome stroller is a gift from my parents. It made my day to pull into the driveway yesterday after a long day of work to find the box on my front steps. I immediately put it together and tested it around the house. J even gave it a spin. I have been staring at it dreaming of taking the babies for walks around the neighborhood in the summer. Thanks Mom & Dad, we absolutely love it! Oh and so do the cats, especially Elvis--he hopped in the basket as if he was asking me to take him for a ride--silly cat!

Hey, it's me "K"....

2009-10-28T13:51:00.003-05:00

I hope this message finds everyone enjoying fall and the upcoming Halloween festivities!

Well we are coming up on 22 weeks and all is going so well! I'm big (pictures after Niki's first shower on Sunday at my mom's). My feet are starting to feel the difference, but not terrible, just enough to remind me to slow down! Best news is, I finally have heartburn under control, what a blessing!

I'm so thrilled for Niki, J and sweet baby Myles on finding out they are blessed with two baby boys. My four year old son's response was priceless "perfect, just like us" I too am the mom to two boys (he doesn't understand Niki's even luckier, she was blessed with three boys, one whom is watching over them from above) that's over his head yet.

I can't wait to meet these two little guys growing so big inside of me, and can't imagine seeing the smiles on Niki and J's face when they get to hold them...time is going so quickly!

Baby Carriers - Advice Needed

2009-10-25T19:59:00.004-05:00

I didn't register for a baby carrier because I think they are so ridiculously overpriced and was hoping to get a couple of used ones for a great deal. I just bought a Baby Bjorn Active carrier for $26 on ebay, which I thought was a great deal given they retail for over $100. I figured that J would probably wear this one because it looks a little more manly than the sling-type carriers, which is the other type of carrier I'd like to get. I am looking at pouch-type slings like Hot.slings and wrap-type slings like Moby wraps, but don't know what to get. So many people say they love one and can't stand another. I really don't want to waste money to find out I can't stand them, but also don't want to be without one when it could come in quite handy. So, I'm asking you to tell share with me your experience with baby carriers.

I just had to post a photo of the absolutely adorable matching sweaters I bought yesterday for the boys to wear next fall/winter (9mo). J doesn't want me to dress them alike, but I think once in awhile it will be cute! Besides I could put one in jeans and the other in cargo pants. :)

Baby Gift & Consignment Sale

2009-10-22T21:46:00.010-05:00

I came home yesterday to find the following cute little outfits from my Mom (thanks Mom!). I think they are adorable! I love how they are complementary and not identical. I think I'll have the boys wear these little monkey sleepers home from the hospital in February (don't you love my optimism?!).

Last night J and I went to presale of a huge baby consignment sale. We spent around $140 and got some great deals. The big items we purchased are shown below, but we also bought three sleepers, two fleece, long-sleeved sleep sacks, one fleece, sleeveles sleep sack, and two organic cotton halo sleep sacks with swaddlers. All of the items look barely used and were a great price. I could've bought so much more, but given that I'm having 5 baby showers I figured I'd hold off for now on buying too much.

More from the big day

2009-10-20T21:42:00.008-05:00

We are having ...

2009-10-20T12:17:00.003-05:00

... TWO BOYS!!

Well both babies have all their parts and look very healthy. I was awake all morning worrying about them having some major problems, like missing the important left ventricle of the heart, so this was a huge relief to me! Both babies are measuring about a week ahead, which was also a huge relief to us given our extremely IUGR baby experience, so all is good there. The tech asked if we wanted a sneak peek before she began her measurements and I of course said yes give us a quick peek! She moved the wand to Baby A (the one K predicted to be a girl) and before she could say a word J shouted out “I see a penis!” It was so cute! The tech said that J was absolutely right … Baby A is a boy! K and I were laughing at J and I was giddy with excitement! Next the tech moved the wand to see Baby B’s goods, which he was displaying quite proudly, and again we saw the boy bits! Yep, we are expecting two healthy baby boys! (I'll post the u/s pics of the babies tonight when I get home from P-T conferences.)

We are over the moon and can’t wait to start buying some boy stuff! J kept telling K how thankful we are for what she’s doing for us and it’s so true! We can never thank her enough for giving us such an amazing gift x2! K really is an amazing woman who is giving so much of herself to make our dreams come true! K is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person!

Only two more sleeps ...

2009-10-18T14:03:00.003-05:00

... until the big day! I'm so excited I can hardly do anything productive! First and foremost we hope that both babies get a good health report and that all body parts are present and intact. Secondly we are uber excited to find out the genders! J who is normally the reserved, scared to death to even talk about the pregnancy mentioned his excitement this morning. I'm crossing all of my crossables that the little ones, particularly naughty Baby B, will cooperate and show us the goods!

Remembering Myles

2009-10-15T21:41:00.004-05:00

Today and every day for the rest of my life I will remember. I remember Myles' sweet little face and big, sparkling eyes. I remember admiring his tiny twisted toes and round little nose. I remember Myles turning to the sound of my voice. I remember how warm he felt against my chest and how soft his skin felt against my fingers. I remember watching my husband hold his son for the first time and feeling so proud. I remember hearing J say "Myles is full of smiles" and thinking about how he was probably smiling on the inside. I remember begging the universe to spare Myles and wishing I could take his place. I remember loving so intensely and losing so much. I remember feeling like I was living in a bad dream and I remember waiting to wake up. I remember the unconditional love and the immense pain of losing my long-awaited child. I will always remember my son, Myles, and the joy he brought to my life.

19 wk beautiful twin belly

2009-10-13T19:37:00.005-05:00

K thinks she looks better in the 2nd photo, but I think she looks equally beautiful in both of them! I can't believe how big her belly is getting already! K's feeling extremely exhausted and is having some swelling already in addition to the heartburn and leg cramps that have been bugging her for weeks. I wish she didn't have to suffer any annoyances and if I could I take the bad stuff for her. K wanted me to post the following notes to my blogreaders about the photos ...

* "My hair was so big because I was going to see Rob Thomas in concert and trying desperatly to get on his tour bus ;-)"

* "Why did my husband cut off my jeans and shoes? (they rocked!)"

A Walk to Remember Myles

2009-10-11T19:09:00.007-05:00

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so many organizations and support groups around the country are hosting remembrance walks. We missed the local support group's walk last week due to prior obligations, but our dear friends, S, B, and T, braved the cold (upper 20's) and blustery winds yesterday to walk in memory of our sweet Myles. J and I are so very touched by their tribute and hope to join them next year! Although seeing Myles' name on the back of the t-shirt brought tears to my eyes, it also made me smile knowing that others continue to remember our little boy. Thank you so much S, B, and T for walking in memory of "Smyles"! We love you and feel fortunate to call you our friends! Check out the photo slideshow S put together for us. Oh and I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that Myles' namesake, Miles Davis, is playing the music on the photo slideshow (am I correct S?). :)

Please take a moment to remember all those babies who were lost early in pregnancy, those lost later in pregnancy, those who entered the world silently, and those who's lives were cut too short. Every parent who loses their child(ren) silently grieves daily and never, ever forgets no matter how long it's been. Please do not be afraid to speak the name of those children who've left their parents to live in this world without them. I can tell you from experience that the mere mention of my child's name warms my heart and makes me smile. I'm certain it would do the same for other babyloss parents.

Baby Shower Dates

2009-10-10T10:24:00.004-05:00

My friends and family are having 5 baby showers for me--yep 5. Wild, hah?! It makes me smile to think about how lucky and loved I am! K is able to be at all but one of the baby showers, which makes me very happy. It seems fitting that K be a guest of honor at the celebrations. Plus, I think that babies should be there!

Here's the calendar of baby showers:

November 1: My Dad's Family hosted by K and her mom, L
November 28: In-laws hosted by MIL
December 4: STELLA Girls (scrapbooking group) hosted by my dear friend, D
December 6: "Big Shower" (Mom's family & friends) hosted by my good friends, J & L
January 24: Foxy MHS Girls with my girlfriends from school hosted by my friend, C

Wow, I am going to be busy with all of these showers and the holidays thrown into the mix. I can't wait for all the festivities to begin! Although I did a registry when I was pregnant with Myles, I didn't make it long enough in the pregnancy to have any of the baby showers that were planned. So, these really will be my first baby showers.

Only 12 more sleeps ...

2009-10-08T22:00:00.004-05:00

... until the big ultrasound! The date of the u/s is 10/20. It's early in the morning, which means it will be here even sooner! We're all anxious for the day to get here and are hoping that the babes cooperate with us, so we can get a peak at the goods!

Thanks for being so wonderful and understanding. I'm feeling much, much better today. I think I was just having one of those days. Like I told K most of the time I don't spend much time thinking about what it would be like to have the babies inside of me. Most of the time I'm thinking about what a relief it is to have K carrying the babes because I don't have to worry about them (okay I still worry, but not about something going wrong wtih K's penthouse uterus). I know that K's uterus is a healthy, nurturing, and safe place for the babies to grow and develop. I guess it's just like anything you grieve sometimes it crops up and hits you unexpectedly.

I'm letting the cat out of the bag to my students on Monday. It's getting hard to whisper to my colleagues about the babies, so I decided it's time. I'm nervous, but excited at the same time. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Feeling blah

2009-10-07T20:56:00.003-05:00

I'm feelng rather blah and I can't really pinpoint a reason. It could be all the rain we've been having. It could be the cold weather and the impending extremely cold weather to come in a couple of months. It could be the forecast for a few snowflakes tonight/tomorrow. It could be all the grading I have to do (150 lab reports were submitted yesterday and I have 60 more to grade). It could be that my best friend just had a new baby boy who I'm going to meet on Sunday (newborn baby boys are still quite tough for me). It could be that I'm just missing Myles a lot more than normal this week. It could be that my precious cat is slowly dying of a fatal disease (she's cuddling with me now) and I can't do anything about it. It could be that one of my co-workers told me that it would probably be best not to share my baby news with my students (ever). It could be that registering for the twins brought me back to registering for Myles and made me sad. It could be that the Domperi.done I'm taking to help induce lactation is making me emotional (it sure is doing a number on my breasts--ouch!) More than likely it's a combination of all of these things. Whatever it is it's making me feel down in the dumps.

The other thing that's been bothering me is the ever so slight bit of envy I'm feeling. I'm feeling it towards my IRL pregnant friends/family, my pregnant blog friends, and even to a small extent K. I guess after 5 years of infertility I have a hard time letting go of the pain that I feel from other's pregnancies (especially those fertile ones). I have been embarrassed to admit this because I feel like it makes me seem unhappy for others or ungrateful for my fortunate situation. I love K dearly and can not thank her enough for the amazing gift she's giving us. My feelings have nothing at all to do with anything K is or isn't doing. K is doing everything I could ever want her to do (and then some). I know just how lucky I am and I don't for a second take that for granted, so please don't begrudge me for this.

I spent countless hours before pursuing surrogacy worrying that I'd feel extreme jealousy towards the person carrying our baby(ies). I can't imagine anyone entering into surrogacy not wondering/worrying about this, especially those women with infertility problems who've tried for years to get pregnant and carry a baby on their own. I spoke to expectant IM's to see how they felt about this and none of them ever felt that way. I worried and asked about it because I didn't want to feel that way and fortunately I don't! However, I admittedly envy K. I wish that I could be the one feeling our babies move and kick inside me. I wish that I could watch my belly swell. I wish I could lie in bed at night rubbing my belly and talking to my babies. Most of all I wish I didn't long for these things, but I do. Now that doesn't mean that I'm not relieved to have our babies growing and thriving in K's healthy, protective uterus. It just means that I still have that innate desire to carry and nurture my babies. Despite me trying it just doesn't go away, but fortunately I can make myself feel better by reminding myself that K is going to bring into our lives two healthy, living (hopefully chubby) babies!

Baby Name Ideas

2009-10-05T20:17:00.004-05:00

I wasn't sure if I was going to share any of our potential baby names, but I'm feeling in the sharing mood tonight. Although we don't know the genders yet, there are a few names that J and I both love and agree on.

Girl Names:
Isla (pronounced Eye-lah)
Elsa
Adia (pronounced A-dee-ah)**

Boy Names:
Silas (or Sylas)

I really struggle with boy names, so if we end up having two boys we'll have to put our heads together. I do like the boy names Grady and Liam, but I'm not sure what Josh thinks of those. I also like the name Lily for a girl. Once we find out the genders we'll probably pick the babies' names, including middle names, but for now these are just some of our ideas. I'm guessing if we have a boy and a girl we'll name them Silas and Isla, respectively. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

**This was to be Myles' name when we thought he was a girl. At our 20wk u/s we were told we were having a girl and we named her Adia Rayne. I still LOVE this name. Adia means "gift". Josh likes the name too, but feels weird using it because he says it's too closely tied to Myles. I think it would be a fitting tribute to a future daughter's older brother.

Honest Scrap Award

2009-10-03T12:48:00.008-05:00

Thanks to my dear friend, L, at Meinsideout for nominating me for this award. Sadly both L and I are recurrent miscarriers, but happily we are now both expecting twins! This award gives me a chance to share with the blogosphere ten things that you don't know about me. Although I find these things somewhat narcisstic, I also enjoy reading them about others. So, here goes with 10 things about me ...

1. I have a Master's degree in Wildlife Biology from UGA and did my research on small mammals (e.g., rats and mice)--this is what funded my graduate studies and paid my bills. Although I am a self-proclaimed girly girl, I can get my hands quite dirty. I'm not afraid of mice, rats, snakes, worms, spiders, bats, or anything else creepy crawly (well except fish I have an aversion to touching fish--it's weird I know).

2. I once woke up to a mouse in my bed. In my groggy state of being half-asleep I heard our cat, Elvis, growling, which he only does when he has a mouse and doesn't want Asha (the other cat) to take it from him. Despite not being afraid of mice (see #1) I didn't like the thought of a live mouse crawling under the covers on my legs, so I bolted out of bed, ran out of the room, slammed the door, and left J in the bed with the cats and mouse. Mind you J is scared to death of mice and wasn't pleased with me in the slightest bit!

3. I once got stopped by a police officer when I was picking up a dead coyote on the side of the road in Georgia. I was with three girlfriends and all three of us were done up in full makeup as we'd just come from a Mary Kay party. At the time I was a grad student in wildlife biology and was required to make study skins (think taxidermy) and was desperate for specimens that I didn't have to kill myself. I mainly "stuffed" mice because they were readily available (refer to #1) and easier to catch. I didn't end up using the coyote as it was a lot more work than the mice, but one of the other girls "stuffed" it. Seriously, can you imagine what this officer said to his colleagues when he went back to the station?! LMAO!

4. After graduate school I worked in wildlife epidemiology studying West Nile virus. My job was to travel around Southeastern US trapping/netting birds to collect blood samples to establish the spread of West Nile virus.

5. I'm a total science nerd! I LOVE to read research and I love to critique it! It's quite normal to hear me speak of replicated studies, small sample sizes, uncontrolled experiments, biased data, etc...

6. I am ridiculously attracted to bad boy, Collin Farrell--yum! I think he's a terrible actor, but I find him to be extremely sexy. It's funny because I would never, ever want to date someone with a bad boy personality like his, but I still like to fantasize about him. (And yes I did see his sex tape--J actually downloaded it for me one Valentine's day. I was simultaneously aroused and turned off by it. If you watch it, turn off the volume and you'll enjoy it more! The eye candy is nice (and big), but he says some ridiculous things!)

7. I'm obsessed with plucking my eyebrows. I like shapely eyebrows that aren't too thin and aren't too bushy, but just right. I can't stand to see the little black hairs poking out of the skin, which makes waxing impossible, so I have to pluck my eyebrows at least every other day.

8. I'm a detail-oriented perfectionist to a falt. I waste countless hours of time fixing seemingly insignificant things. For example, I'll spend hours on a Power.Point presentation just fixing the font, bullets, spacing, etc, so it's all the same/uniform. My good friend and colleague, E.L., calls this "Nikifying" things. I call it wasting time, yet I can't seem to let it go. J always tells me I "focus on the trees and miss the forest", but in my opinion what he doesn't realize is that without the individual trees there wouldn't be a forest!

9. I am super self-conscious about my body. I've struggled with body image issues my whole life and always see myself as "fat" no matter what size I am, including when I'm a size 1/2 (I'm now a size 5/6, but determined to get back to a size 3/4). It's something I've been working on improving my whole adult life. I do NOT want to my children to grow up disliking their bodies because they hear me saying negative things about myself, which is why I'm working hard to change this.

10. Although I'm embarrassed to admit this, I'm annoyed with people who speak poorly and have terrible grammar. I find myself judging them as ignorant, unintelligent, and uneducated. This is definitely one of my weaknesses. I dislike judgemental people and yet here I do it myself, so I'm working on this.

I would like to nominate K for this award and hope that next week she'll post 10 things about herself for us to read. I also nominate the following bloggers for this award:

Kris at Looking for Another Angel
Meg at No Oven for the Bun
B at No Regrets
Jaymee at Our Surrogacy Adventure
Infertile in the City
Kate at From Infertility to Baby
Becca at Into the Light Again

Baby Shower

2009-09-30T19:38:00.006-05:00

This is what I saw when I got the mail today. Notice that the stamp is a baby shower stamp and that the envelope is addressed to "Mom" ... K is so darn thoughtful! She even addressed my mom's invite to "Grandma". Awww! Inside the cute envelope was this absolutely darling invitation to MY very own Baby Shower! As K mentioned in her last post she's having a baby shower for me [frighteningly] early, but she wanted to host it and feel comfortable enough to make the food and do all the other hostess stuff. After freaking out a bit about how K would only be 22weeks I decided that having an early baby shower isn't going to make one bit of difference if something bad does happen--I'm going to be devastated regardless of how much baby stuff I have. So, early it is and damn straight I'm excited about it ... I'm excited to not just attend a baby shower, but to actually have the shower be a celebration of the babies I'm expecting! MY first baby shower is on November 1and then in December/January I'm having three more! It seems so surreal that these baby showers are for ME! I have so much to look forward to over the next few months leading up to the arrival of the babies! :)

Bittersweet

2009-09-28T20:31:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago I listed the Chic.co Cortina Travel System + an extra base that we bought for Myles on Craigs.list. It was brand new and obviously hadn't been used. In fact the extra base was still in the box. Tonight I sold it for $285 to a nice young woman who was thrilled beyond belief to be getting such a great deal on the new system (retails for $400 at BRU). She's a nurse who's having her first baby in January and fortunately for her she's living in the ignorant blissful state. Although I'm glad it went to such a good home, I'm feeling sad that I sold it. I didn't plan to use it for the twins, so I know it had to go. But it was purchased for Myles and it makes me sad to let it go. I know that Myles didn't even get to sit in it, but it was still "his" nonetheless. I remember spending hours researching it and picking out the perfect system for him. Now it's someone else's and that's hard for me to take. On the one hand I'm happy to be able to use the money to buy something for the twins, but sad that I sold something that was Myles'. Simply put it's bittersweet.

The Expecting & The Pregnant

2009-09-27T20:04:00.005-05:00

This is a photo of K and I taken today at a baby shower for our sweet cousin, L. There were 3 pregnant women at this shower and I couldn't get enough of the baby bellies. Of course K's belly is my favorite and I wanted to rub it non-stop, but used some self control. K's belly is absolutely beautiful. K's total weight gain to date is 11pounds and it's all in her belly! (Try to ignore the balloons coming out of my head!)

33

2009-09-21T18:50:00.005-05:00

That is my age today. It's my birthday. It's hard for me to believe that I'm 33 and still don't have a living child. I started my TTC journey when I was 28 and thought I'd be done having children by now. Don't get me wrong I'm uber grateful that I had my sweet Myles and that we are expecting twins, but you just don't forget the pain of infertility and miscarriage. You just don't forget going in for an ultrasound at 12wks gestation on your 30th birthday to discover that your baby died a week or so ago. I spent my entire 30th birthday crying in an ER because my first pregnancy after 1.5 years of trying had ended. That kind of pain sticks with you. And last year my birthday was even worse. I expected to be spending it snuggling Mr. Myles, but instead I sat crying at his grave. So, yeah birthdays aren't all they are cracked up to be for me.

This year my dear friends and family did their best to lift my spirits. My dear friend, A, greeted me at school with a tea latte and a card saying that she "hopes this year is my best yet". Another dear friend, B, left a card on my desk and gave me a big birthday wish in the hall. Many other friends and family sent cards, emails, and phoned me with birthday wishes. I am incredibly lucky to be loved so much and can't thank all of you enough!

The wonderfully, awe-inspiring, amazing K called to tell me that she snuck in for an u/s today at work as a birthday gift to me. My initial reaction was sheer panic when I heard those words u/s and birthday in the same phrase, but immediately I was relieved to hear that both babies are alive and well. Sweet little Princess (Baby A) was resting sucking "her" thumb and energetic little Ninja (Baby B) was practicing his karate punches on his poor sibling. K said that Baby B was all over the place flipping, kicking, and punching all the while Baby A peacefully rested despite the blows "she" was receiving. I couldn't help but smile thinking of my beautiful little ones thriving in K's womb.

Tonight my wonderful husband, J, took me to my favorite Thai restaurant and made me chocolate chunk brownies for dessert (not exactly diet friendly, but oh so good!). Now we are getting ready to cuddle on the couch, watch a movie and enjoy the ooey gooey, chocolatey brownies!